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Relationship/s

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sKePTiKal:
Hops, it's always hard to tell the story of something that broke our hearts. But I suspect, that this will be a healing telling. Just go at your own pace... don't map it out... and give him time to compassionately feedback to you. Tell it naturally. It's perfectly understood, that not everything will come out the first time you tell the story. And it won't be a linear progression per se either - because you'll be touching on some still sore areas - and that will be A-OK.

Dollars to doughnuts, he'll reach out and comfort you.

Fret not dear. The fact he asked to hear it, in the first place, isn't that he doesn't understand how these things happen in families... My guess is, he already senses how painful it still is and he CARES.

Hopalong:
Gotta go shortly so in a rush...THANKS, Amber.

He does care! No question. But he also has a relentless
mind (appetite for inquiry) and given his powerful career,
perhaps not much sense of his own limits. He has teased
out Islam's deepest roots in the western world as a major
cause of present tribal ills even to today, to much reknown.

So he's approaching my D situation with a similar deep deep
interest in details and timelines, as though as an historian,
he'll get an answer. And I just don't wanna relive all this.

I'll try. With boundaries. I did email him that his probing had
awakened the anguish monster, and he was sorry it had. But
I think this may be a difficult thing to navigate.

The love is there, so I'm hopeful we'll navigate it okay. But
family estrangement just Does Not Compute to him, who is
passionate about family all the way back! So...he's pressing
and keeps telling me (again) how sad it makes him.

I honestly wish he wouldn't. Once I said, "I cannot carry your
grief about my grief. It's too much." And a few days later, he
says it again.

I think my challenge is to learn not to try to fix his sadness
by excavating more "research information" for him. He is
driven by that kind of approach, I think.

Off to winery! Clean Pooch!

xxxxoooo
Hops

lighter:
Aww, Hops.  He's a kind, good man who really seems to....

seems to.....

::dropping head::

want to HELP you solve this dd problem... I think?

If he wants to understand, then he'll have to learn about personality disorders, the nonsensical nature of these things, and how PD individuals sometimes (often IME) sabotage themselves along with those closest to them.  That's never going to make sense.... no matter how you tell it, IME.

I'd ask M why he wants to know the details.  Maybe his answer will guide the answers you provide?

From here, there's a linear story, and trying to tell it would lead down painful rabbit holes that go way off track, and are confusing, perhaps, for both you and M.

I suggest writing out the pieces, in the order you want M to hear, to help him understand the situation.  Depending on what he says he needs to understand about it, writing it out might be a healing process that helps him understand, while helping you remain as level as possible.

You can include websites with information about PDs.

Your painful journey, understood clearly, and quickly, is something that could bring you and M closer, IMO. 

If the thread of truth meanders, or he misunderstands, or God forbid makes you feel judged..... that would be a direction to avoid.

I very clearly so both POV.  I didn't have experience with PDs, and truly didn't understand until I experienced it first hand.

The ignorance isn't willful, or meant to harm, but it can, and that feels bad.  I really want M to understand, with economy of motion, while avoiding your most tender spots, or making you in any way feel misunderstood (defensive) which is demoralizing, and my rule has been to NOT discuss these things with people who aren't capable of "getting it."

I don't know if he can understand, but talking to him about it before trying to explain is an imperative, I think.

Maybe providing a few articles about PDs that can help frame your story before you share.

Definitely consider writing it out, and providing it to him.  You can write, read, sort, and re write in your own time, carefully considering the pieces, and putting them together in the most helpful way.  It might help a layer deeper. At least I very much hope so. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thanks, (((((Lighter)))) --

In a way, though, for me writing it IS reliving it.
I did print out my two threads on mothering again from here, and re-read them through last. SO much anguish spilled and healed here, I cannot tell y'all.

But today, our magical afternoon really was that. It was hard but since we had a 45-min. drive, and he wanted to know in a chronological way, I narrated through the first half of her life (and my two marriages) -- the outline of when, where we lived, etc. -- taking her own life up to the death of her Dad at her age 19. That's kind of First Half.

When I go for dinner on Wednesday, I promised him the Second Half. Bit in two that way, it's not so bad. In a funny way it does help to go chronologically, not just because timelines are his comfort zone, but because I know I'm now halfway through it! I don't think he understands much about PDs or mental illness, but I've referenced both. I also sent him links to Joshua Coleman's work and a huge review article on estrangement that covers what research there is. Ironically, Dr. Coleman is in SF so if I do move to Sonoma, we'll go visit him together!

I think it'll be okay. Today really was gorgeous and fun and relaxing. We talked and talked and he brought a ridiculously lavish picnic and we did a tasting and bought a bottle of rose and stared at the mountains and wandered around the vinyard with Pooch. There is no more beautiful place in spring.

Back to his house, bit o' cuddling, and by the time I get home he's already emailed me again that he's "crazy, mad" in love with me. He is already hinting at "the rest of his life" with me, and you know, I am feeling it too. We'll see! No rush!!

And when we were on the big porch at the winery his sister called from Costa Rica (I kind of wondered at the timing) and she wanted to talk to me and was SO KIND. Told me how thrilled the whole family is for him and how he told them I've brought him back to life. (He had sunk into a really sad sad dark place after she died.)

One thing I'm stunned by is that there are HORDES of people in his life who are his family or clearly consider him family and so far I've felt nothing but welcome. And a grandbaby in SF on the way!

He's also going to take me to Cuba, where his great aunt lived. We can go there from Costa Rica. I have always wanted to go there!

This is ri di cu lous.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Well that's a relief, Hops.  Sounds like everything's working out. 

I couldn't be happier for you. 

CUBA! 

Lighter

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