Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Relationship/s

<< < (71/206) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Oh Hops... I've been on both sides of the money-power issue. And had the exact same "house" difficulty to deal with.
I'm with Lighter - contact the realtor and ask to be notified if there are any problems with the first contract.

Its another type of assertiveness; to stand your ground on what you want. Since when does impressing others outweigh feeling at "home"? Especially starting over as an older couple? Maybe this time, it's M's turn to "give a little" so you can have your heart's desire?

That bond with place... I know pretty well too. The beach just wasn't it for me.

Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. You got it, entirely. Empathy helps! At one point, when we left the T's office, I looked at him and said, I don't think you understand how raw I feel. And he looked into my eyes and I saw it hit him. He immediately contacted the realtor to make an offer. Even though it was too late, I did see that he was upset when he finally took in how I felt. It mattered to him. Our challenge is getting him to be more able to listen to me in the moment. Even now and then would be encouraging, because with his racing mind, it sure won't be constant. And that's okay. To a degree.

Amber, and both--the realtor knows. It was an all-cash contract and has been ratified, so I don't think there's much chance. But if it collapses she'll notify us.

I'm feeling gradually more peace about it. I do think M made a mistake, as it hurt me a lot and will haunt me for a while. But also, I needed to understand his anxiety. Even though he has a lot of money, he's just lost a third of what he's built over his lifetime. That has to be a huge shock. I haven't even looked at my wee investment portfolio. I am incapable of stock picking and reallocating with enough sophistication to stop the plunge, so why torture myself. Frugality is my only answer and fortunately, it doesn't scare me. I had one parent whose family was very poor, and I saw how resourceful people can be.

In addition, once M and I do set up a home together, I'll have a small rental income from my present home added to my social security. So I'll be able to save a bit more.

I'll learn something Monday, if M's attitude while we encounter the new places we're looking at, shifts a bit. I think it might, or he might remain in mogul-mode. That to me is just marching through a space without a pause to check...how does it feel to you? The good thing is we'll be at the T right before that appointment. I'm going to ask that we come to some understanding of how M is right to examine everything from a cost perspective, but how I would also like to be asked, included, in terms of my own sense of whether this could feel like home. Whether I can see "happy" there.

Fingers crossed!

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
That sounds like win-win compromise to me, Hops. I don't care how good a deal a property is - if it doesn't "feel" right to the person you want to share it with - that $$$$$ isn't going to make any difference long term.

There are robins here today.  :D

Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber.
Simple, but truly you're right...it's the bottom line.

We saw the other house (same magical street) today and M really likes it.
I don't feel that "madly in love" feeling but could be happy there. It's very charming.

Smaller and less adaptable spaces than the first one, but we could make it work.
My piano would take up 1/4 of the living room, and he'd have to leave his ancient
one behind or put it in the basement (it's unplayable). So...dunno how that would fly. Fortunately the house is not even on the market yet, so there's not an intense rush to make decisions. I'm kind of stepping back to see what M wants to do, give him space to think. We could suddenly be under the gun to decide but at least right now, not.

It was a heavy day but, to me, a beneficial one. At T we dug deeper into what I'd experienced at the first house (they both got how emotional it was), and he shared more about what he feels overall in the present -- completely upside-down with a combo of anxiety (the market collapse), and grief over impending losses after wife's death (then professor friend, then his brother's dire diagnosis, and just yesterday, another relative diagnosed with the same deadly cancer --pancreatic-- that took his wife). Overall, our talk uncovered for me that underneath all the privilege and bluster, M is scared. The coronavirus is kind of a capper for him because for the first time in 40 years, he's not going to be with his sons to celebrate their birthday (same day, seven years apart; being with them then has been an annual thing since his oldest son's birth nearly 40 years ago). But because of the virus, he's not going back to California again this month. There are six cases in the town the kids live in, and they're scared too.

Right decision but it's just shaken M, who is feeling overwhelmed with change, past losses, upcoming losses...and literally, the meaning of life and death. I'm glad we talked so much and both listened better. I can see he's in a fairly dark place. As an uprooted man who's never quite been sure where he belongs, the threat of change and certainty of loss and fear of meaninglessness and death are peaking for him right now.

I get it. And oddly I feel pretty steady, not spiraling out myself. I have fears too but am seeing that although I can't predict the realities of my older age, I am safe now, and warm, and do have friends. I still want to wind up with M if as we work together in T these realizations continue to make us feel closer. But if I don't, I will remember that I got along without him before I met him. It was lonely at times, but I was living.

What I want to do for now is be supportive to him, not push him too hard, continue my own path and growth and time with him, and see what happens. We both have a lot on our plates and I've neglected my own life (writing, progress with home issues) since we met. That's on me (laziness, avoidance, plus ADD) and predated meeting him.

Live and learn is what I'm saying to myself. Live, and learn.

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Aw, Hops.  I just want to give you both a big hug.  No arse kicking for M now :)  Maybe the house buying can take a back seat for a while?  It's a stressful business and as you're both raw at the minute, albeit for different reasons, maybe you could put it to one side for a while longer?  Just let things settle a bit, emotion and money wise?  Hugs to you both xx

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page