Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
Time for an update, I figure.
Had dinner at M's the other evening. We went for a walk and then ate on his deck. I only went indoors to pee and wiped down everything I'd touched with a disinfectant wipe. Easy. Pooch was more excited to see him than I was! (M and I'd had a nice walk and talk date a week ago, winding up in my back yard.)
Having settled back into my usual solitude for the last three weeks (except for very nice breaks of outdoor socializing)...I've had time and focus to think more about this relationship. I'm still in it, not quitting so far, and we're doing therapy which is great anyway.
But.
I've started to think that one reason M was so easy for me to get involved with was that his sparkly, entertaining, show-offy, demanding, conversation domination and self-absorbed incessantness is very like my Nmother's. I was raised and trained to placate, please and cope with that kind of behavior. I dread labeling it, but the Nword is in my head.
I've been reflecting on a lot of stuff about him that isn't coming up feeling good. There's still the fun and charming and at times generous stuff. I will talk about that again I'm sure. But right now, I'm allowing myself to look pretty plainly at things I seriously dislike. And ponder what that may mean. NOT making a decision right now; just feeling wary of plunging farther or faster down the road. And that's a good thing. In my life, rushed romance and premature commitments have always, always backfired.
I dislike it when M is passive-aggressive. Example: I've explained to him at least six times that although I understand that it's a courteous ritual he was raised with, I do not want him to "top off" or automatically refill my wineglass. If I decide I want more, I prefer to pour it myself. That's because wine tempts me, I know when I should stop, and M is more likely to want to carry on beyond my own limit. (And perhaps he enjoys treating me as a "drinking buddy.") So, at dinner, at one point he comes up behind me and SWIFTLY refills my glass. I didn't react immediately as I should have (it's tiring to be on max-reflex) so didn't object.
But I resented it. A small thing maybe, but another example of him deliberately marching over a boundary I'd set very clearly. It's as though having shared a vulnerability with him (I can be tempted to have more wine than I really should) -- that he took advantage of it.
Another. I've asked him not to call me after 9pm because I have severe insomnia and he tends to offload a lot of dire, anxious or forbidding or tragic comments about news or this or that, and then he's all sleepy and content, and I'm riled up from the exchange and can't sleep. A few nights back he calls me at 1030pm, yakking on in a similar vein. Same thing. He wants the comfort of my voice at bedtime and I absolutely resent that expectation. I'm not his mommy, it's deleterious for me, and I'd like him to respect my boundary.
The upshot is that even though I have a couple of close friends with whom I have the understanding that we are to each other a person you could call in an emergency any time of the day or night, I have to leave the ringer off all night because I cannot trust M to respect my wishes.
I withdrew today, quietly, after emailing him (and explaining nicely on the phone) that I just need to retreat and think. So just now I get an email from him full of a dire local projection about the virus, and he goes through this weird explanation of how he didn't know if he should tell me about it or not but felt that he "must" -- and it's another evening scary-news report. So he still manages to do that thing...even not on the phone. Upsets me either way.
The reason this kind of excuse-to-do-what-I-want-no-matter-what-you've-told-me-about-your-needs upsets me and riles me up is that I feel disrespected and overruled. He has done it before in many ways and I'm starting to just feel fed up. Partly virus irritability, but real.
Is as though in his cute, subtle, clever ways....he's passively needling me, poking at vulnerabilities, poke poke poke.
I've settled into my solitude more lately and he senses it. So we may just go through another round of this stuff. Which I loathe. I just don't want to have to battle my partner. There are men out there who will not needle, passive-aggress, and be infantile sometimes.
He wrote me the other night and closed his email (flattery) with a challenge:
"Will you keep being my conversation companion forever? (Answer now, with no equivocation!). [The last was a demand.]
I wrote back, nicely to the first part. Then wrote, "We can talk about your ultimate questions, but not on email." He wrote back, "We will TALK on Thursday!" I just didn't like his tone.
That's about it. I'm just weary of him right now. Doesn't mean I can't recover or we can't. But I am not enjoying comfort or support and feel it's mostly, almost all the time, ALL about him. I'm starting to toy with thoughts about other old fish in the sea, or even, given the pandemic...is it really going to be worth it to tie myself long-term to someone this immature.
Sigh. Thanks for listening.
Hugs to all,
Hops
Hopalong:
Left off a big piece that stuck in my chest.
We were talking about my D with the T (which was extremely difficult for me). M described me to the T as "so hyper-sensitive" about her and said that at one point I was "spiraling...". He was looking so innocent but I felt it was gaslighting.
I'm going to address this in our next session. What sent a chill for me was that he often described his ex-wife as "crazy." That, in my understanding, is a CLASSIC way that some men denigrate women for having powerful emotions or getting upset. I intend to spell out that I do not accept that framing about me and will not let it pass.
I am BOTH sensitive and strong. I do have powerful emotions on some subjects, and have to set boundaries when someone is insensitive about that loss, but I am not hysterical nor irrational. I have never yelled or thrown anything or done anything unhinged whatsoever, even when talking about the most painful subject in my life.
So to have him begin "narrating me" to our therapist that way created a dark spot in my feelings for him.
I think the bottom line is, I don't fully trust him emotionally. On the surface he is mostly charming. In his core he is a decent person. But he's developed behavioral habits because of lack of insight...that concern me.
Twoapenny:
Aw, Hops, I really understand that 'crazy' label. It's a very destabilising and it demeans very real and relevant feelings and experiences. I've had it thrown at me many times when I've stood up for my son. We all have things we are sensitive about and when it comes to our children (big or small) of course we are sensitive, we love them and that pain with you D is so intense you would need to be made of stone not to feel it. But I agree, him labelling it that way is inappropriate and a real shame, I think, that he's making that your problem instead of perhaps looking at his own need to poke around in that area when you've clearly explained to him not to.
And yes, it chimes with the other things you've said about him not respecting your boundaries, calling late in the evening to fill your head so he can empty his own and so on. I'm sorry. I think these crisis times do give us time to reflect and think (and sometimes remind us how much we like our own company as well). I'm glad you're seeing it even though it's painful to see. It's very easy to gloss over the less than pleasant bits when so many other things work well but you always pull the drawer out and check underneath it. I really admire you for that. I'm glad you feel able to discuss it with T next time you go in. Is this still the nice T that has been so helpful so far? xx
sKePTiKal:
Ya know Hops, I think often I overlook those small things... BECAUSE, instead of my guy always needing me to provide that emotional security - he's offering it to me. And it's VERY different from what I'm used to.
"Security" meaning I can trust him not to call so late my sleep is messed up; not ordering me around as if I'm chattel... boundaries/routines respected and worked with. Mike did pretty well with that, even if he WAS exceptionally needy - he wasn't selfish; Buck is better. He pays attention to my routines and is very considerate.
It sounds like you're describing the balance of emotional support given/asked for within the circle of the two of you. And something just isn't working... after a year, and even T. It's just me, but if after that much time - it's still the very same thing bugging you - it's something that isn't going to change; it'll always be there. Maybe you can learn to love that too... maybe you just can't.
The high priestess, the exalted (and humble!) Amber gives you permission to learn to live with his habits, or perhaps expand your horizons... or even do nothing for a little bit... including perhaps, restating your boundaries and standing firm without worrying about HIS feelings in reaction to that.
:insert magic wand sparkles:
lighter:
::stepping into Amber's magic sparkle dust::.
I think Amber's right.
This is going to be about you, Hops, changing how you view M's behaviors rather than M learning to change all the things pinging off warning bells and reminding you of your mother's behaviors.... "the law of contagion"... our minds using context to connect things and provide meaning through our amygdala. M's doomed if your brain interprets his behaviors with all reactivity your mother's behaviors built through the years, IMO.
This, for me, ties into a video I watched recently about what global THING everyone on the planet fears. I won't spoil it for you, but it ties into this thread.... at least in my Lighter view of things. Think Pavlov's dogs here. Here's the link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Vmwsg8Eabo
I wish I'd had access EMDR sessions throughout my life. To see what's in front of me, with clarity, would have been a priceless gift.
Having access to that gift feels like magic wand sparkles to me.
Lighter
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version