Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 21, 2020, 08:24:37 PM ---That Heather remedy description is amazingly spot on, Tupp. Thanks for that!
I would love for M to try something but unless it's evidence-based, he won't go there. I have to admit I'm pretty similar, about homeopathy and such. I believe it's all placebo, not that there's anything wrong with that!
Thanks, G. Learning is ongoing, definitely. I remember some of the folks in their 90s I worked with sharing realizations they'd had in very recent years. It was inspiring.
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Perfectly understandable, Hops, I'm the same re placebo - if it works it doesn't matter how, from my point of view :) I'm glad the therapy is going well and you're making such good progress xx
seastorm:
Hi Hops
Last I heard you were applying for a passport just before the full catastrophe of the Corona Virus hit. Hope you had a nice time and got home safely. These are tumultuous times with lots of change. I kind of like staying home.. taking a course in Chinese Painting, Online Pema Chodron, binge watching Ozark and talking on the phone for about two hours a day, most days. I am adjusting and sleeping and meditating. All very much one day at a time.Oh yes, and learning not to take the bait when a beloved tries to pick a fight.
Hopalong:
((((((((Sea!)))))))))))))
So wonderful to hear your voice. YAY.
You sound like you know exactly what to do when the outer world goes nuts, as you always have.
I'm so happy to hear you.
My passport app was actually before last summer, when M. took me to Paris. Made it (after a small stroke a few days before!) and visited an old friend in Oslo on the way home. Quite astonishing that all that worked out so well, actually.
I love the sound of your quarantine coping. It's more than coping.
My hope is many people will turn to deeper things during this time.
love,
Hops
Hopalong:
I am all over the map about M these days.
First, we're getting along very well during quarantine. A lot less tension. He seems to have listened during therapy to my descriptions of how hugely stressful I've found his manic, nonstop talking. He's calmer when I visit, less performative, easier to be around. And though he doesn't listen WELL, he's trying more. That's new but very nice!
Quarantine has slowed us down. I talked about how I think we had needed that. From the start of our relationship, M pounded me relentlessly to be his life partner, commit, etc. He's stopped it and the pandemic has jolted him into the present more, me too, and that's a good thing. He's also enjoying very productive work on his articles and a new major book.
In times of anxiety, I still chew on the bad moment we've never unpacked yet. Will be hard to bring it up in T but I will eventually. It was that moment at the jungle house when I had upset/frustrated him (and felt very vulnerable) and he kind of walked around "musing aloud" in a cold way, saying negative things about my character and intentions, but disguising them in the professorial superiority tone. I've never heard it since but at that moment I freaked out, believing I was seeing a different side that could come out during marriage. I will discuss that with my own T today, as she's good at helping me see things clearly. I think I just need to get up the courage to say something like, although with your intellect you're capable of slicing and dicing someone in that sort of cold fashion, if you ever do that with me again when I'm in a vulnerable state and you're annoyed, I will be leaving.
I don't THINK he's a Jekyll-Hyde, really. But my second husband absolutely was, so hence my niggling concern about that. Which may not be entirely warranted.
I do have fears of men and relationships in general. Trust issues. This has come up in couples-T and I think legitimately. The Sikh asked me if I'd ever felt entirely safe in a relationship...and my answer was, more than once, with my father I did.
So after we "worked on" M a whole lot, given his overt dominant manic personality stuff, it's my turn to look at what I'm contributing to our dynamic too. And I feel willing to, because I've been feeling heard by both of them.
In general, I think the update is that we are doing a lot better. I'm glad we slowed down a bit. The commitment is there, but not the urgency.
Though I have to admit I emailed with a lovely young classical musician who'd be quite interested in renting my house. Occurs to me that one way to pass this winter in continuing social distancing, but to prevent isolation, might be to spend it at M's house, and rent mine out for a year beginning this fall. Just to see how living together might go. I haven't said anything to M about it though.
Boy would that give me a chance to face my fears....
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
I'm glad that the enforced halt has been helpful, Hopsie, and that you feel you can/will talk about that unpleasant time at some point. I think it's great that you and M have done and are doing so much work on your relationship and yourselves. And yes I can understand the underlying fear about relationships in general. I'm not sure I can ever trust someone with my whole heart. It may just be that the damage will always mean a little bit isn't quite there. But as you've felt safe before then I would be hopeful that you will again :)
My heart quickened as I read about the young musician; I thought this was a love interest! Lol. I think the idea of trying it out with M by sharing for a year is a good one. My only wee practical concern (with my own mother hen head on, and acknowledging that your rental rules and regulations may be very different to ours, and knowing that you are wise enough to check all of these things out for yourself anyway) is whether you can get your house back early if staying with M does turn out to be the clang of doom for your relationship, or just if there is another bolthole if you feel you need some space and just need a day or two on your own every now and again? Can M leave his house empty and move in with you (and then go home if it's all a bit much?). You will figure it all out, I know, I just always go to disaster scenario and have images of you living in a campervan over the winter :) Lol xx
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