Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
sKePTiKal:
Oh. My. Goodness!
This sounds like a fairy-tale come true Hops. And JUST what the "doctor ordered" for ya!
Do me one favor, though. Stay anchored in "Hop's world" for a just a bit. Your life, still has purpose and meaning, on it's own. I have no worries about this, with you. Just a reminder to take your time about falling head first into an "us". Remember to breathe, in between meetings and emails.
I do understand the time factor; it was something that Mike and I went through. But, it turned out just fine (even though I'm still trying to convince Hol of that, in some aspects; there were parts of him that she saw me "caving" to... that she didn't think were "really me". Maybe she's right. I'm not sure I need to know that, one way or another, right now.)
lighter:
Gently echoing Amber here.
Stay anchored in your world, Hops.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Yup, yup.
Still gotta do my taxes.
Still take comfort in coming home to my messy solitude.
One step at a time, despite the exciting announcements.
Thanks, guys...important reminder! I still feel the earth beneath my sensible shoes, but I'm glad you're watching!
xxxxxxxooooooo
Hops
Twoapenny:
This is so lovely to read, Hops. I'm glad his lovely, extended family and work network are welcoming you in to their fold - as they should be! A lovely addition to the group :) The situation with your D is difficult; I can understand him wanting to know more and understand (as this is such a huge part of your life) but equally understand your reluctance and worry over pulling those wounds out again. But you are able to put the breaks on when necessary and I know you will feel you can tell him "Not today. It's too much". And I think he will understand, he sounds like the sort of person who hears what people say and that's quite rare.
I loved what you said about having a deep conversation with the caterer at the formal event :) I did lots of waitressing jobs when I was younger, always at very posh do's, either corporate events or weddings, fancy christenings and so on. There is always someone (they've usually snuck off for a fag) who ends up chatting to the staff and having their own little party separate to everyone else! I loved it, always really interesting people and I've always felt you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat waitresses, cleaning ladies, bin men, road sweepers and so on. It sounds like a lovely evening (although I can identify with the faff of getting ready for it :) ).
It sounds lovely - fun, excitement, travel, adventure, and interesting conversations and new people to meet. Aw. I'm really happy for you xx xx xx
Hopalong:
Talked to my T yesterday about how painful it is to answer his questions about D. She said, it was not just grief you healed from, it was deep trauma. I haven't been using that word inside my own mind, but it does make sense. I recall one parent on a forum said complete rejection from an estranged adult child feels like a combination of death, divorce and murder. That rang true.
I DID heal from it. But to be truly intimate with M, I do understand the necessity of telling it. Because he would interrupt me at moments or go on brief tangents, it was difficult to tell him Part One. I got through it and was relieved afterward, but still felt that while he does care, he also is pretty cerebral about it. Being analytical, rather than fully comprehending what it costs me to talk about it.
So I just told him. Wrote him a long email about what my T had said, and spelled out unmistakably how deep and complex is the healed wound he is probling. And how I am willing and recognize the importance of re-lancing the wound to tell the story, I need to ask him to sit with me first for an hour next time I see him (before he bounces around happily concocting dinner, pouring wine, talking nonstop about friends and scholarship) and just listen.
It's tough to draw this boundary but for my own peace of mind, I needed to. Each time he has suddenly talked about how sad HE feels about my loss of my D, it's like a pick, poking into the sorest part of my being. He truly does not want to cause me fresh pain. But I felt I needed to tell him the truth. He does, when he's casual about commenting about it.
One thing I noticed when my dearest, oldest friends were visiting for an overnight last week. Even THEY asked, "Have you heard from D?" It astonishes me. They even knew her, when we lived in another state. They knew my second husband. They once remonstrated with her about the way she was talking to me (contempt). They watched her (and our relationship) deteriorate. They know I haven't heard from her in seven years. Yet, still asked the question. And, the pick went in.
I think it must be rare enough that even the kindest people, people who love you, people who normally display empathy, will just comment, or ask questions, that are really painful to hear. I don't blame them. I don't feel anger. It just amazes me. (I told them the truth: it is over. My relationship with my D is over. We could start a new relationship one day, if she wants it. But the old one is over. Not my love for her, which will never change. But there is no relationship.)
I hope and pray M will eventually come to understand this too. It's not unfinished business. I have finished all I know to do.
Thanks for listening,
Hops
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