Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
And on we go....
very happy Bday in the nearest large city.
Wandered the wonderful turn-o'-century neighborhood with its fabulous restored homes, ate at a Cuban lunchery I'd looked up (he has Cuban roots too, the heritage is insane--Costa Rican, Manhattan, Spain, Cuba, Ireland...fascinating muttage). And he looks 100% Irish so it's funny when he bursts into Spanish all the time with his colleagues or on the phone. Drank beer, talked, laughed, wandered, got silly, toured a condo open house for the hell of it, patted a huge Malinois who was mellow as a St. Bernard (uncharacteristically)...drove home the pretty way that adds 10 minutes in exchange for often being the only vehicle on long stretches of tree canopied road, fields each side. I'll never understand why people forgo that drive for the bland interstate, but suits me they do!
We're waking slowly from the honeymoon-feelings torpor but working our way through things pretty well, communication is good. A few sticky points (he keeps mentioning my D in a tragic tone and I have asked him to stop bringing it up more than once) -- but nothing we can't work our way through.
And we have building anticipation about our trip to Paris (then me to Oslo and him to Jerusalem to lecture for a week, then Istanbul...but he's cutting out the Madrid leg because he says he'd rather come back to be with me). Turns out he'd told himself this sweeping trip would be a kind of funereal tour because he was in such grief, and was beginning to think his life was over (at 72!). Now that we're together he's got a different mindset.
I found a dog sitter who's solid as the earth which is a great load off my mind. She radiates calm and responsibility and I'm so relieved she'll be here with Pooch, whom I've never left for so long.
The where-to-live question does loom and I want to drag it out but pretty much think it's inevitable that I'll need to move into his house. Even though I loathe wealthy white enclaves it is a pretty space, right on a lake, and only 10 minutes farther from downtown than I am now. It'll be emotionally very hard to leave my sweet home, but given that mine's too small for two (and he has generations of family Stuff, sigh) and I'll have two rooms of my own at his (a bedroom and study), it is just not rational to resist the logic of it. He's still looking at sweet properties in the Bay Area but as far as I can tell, we're seeing home base as here, and long visits out there...as our solution. He sounds happy about it (staying here near his friends where he's been for 20 years, and before than in DC which isn't far)...and maybe having a house or condo out where his sons are will increase his feelings of freedom and security -- and he says it'll be a smart investment regardless.
Makes sense. I don't know if it'll be this fall or next fall, but I need to get ready to rent mine out at some point. Don't have to make the decision or the move in any rush, though. We already are together 3 times/week on average, sometimes more.
So far, so good! And I am still very very grateful.
xxoo
Hops
lighter:
Lots of gratitude there, Hops.
Glad the birthday was nice.
I'm sorry you aren't excited about moving into his home. Having 2 rooms designated for your sole use is better a positive, IMO. I hope your comfort level increases. You need to be happy with the plans too. Don't settle for something you can't be happy with.
I'm excited about the travel. Excited about his ability to reframe his life, and views. Hurrying home to you, rather than completing his planned funereal tour, is a wonderful thing.
Finding a good dog sitter takes the stress off that piece. Good job. You don't want to worry about pooch while you're away.
I have compassion for his inability to understand the situation with your dd. He doesn't get it. He can't. It won't compute for him. He needs it to, so he continues looping back, even though you asked him not to. I have compassion for you, and for him
in that. I don't know how you help him.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Hops, the only thing I can suggest about the DD topic - is to tell him flat out, that spending time thinking/talking about the topic upsets you and is painful to the point that you're in danger of recycling into the past and all those emotions and not enjoying yourself in the here & now. That even tho you KNOW this isn't perfect or even what you want, it is, WHAT IS - for now.
And then, when he brings the topic up in passing - ignore it. Move on to another topic. He'll remember with enough practice, even if it's not something possible in HIS lexicon of experience.
Twoapenny:
That's such a lovely update, Hops, I'm glad you're having such a good time and there's so much going on. I can understand the wrench of leaving your place at some point but renting it out rather than selling it makes good sense and I suspect that Mr Tutu will be very open to any decorating/re-arranging suggestions you have at your new mutual home. And will the rent money give you a bit of an income or will it all go on maintaining the property? Just wondered if it might help your financial situation a little.
Glad pooch has a good dog sitter lined up! Very necessary to have someone you feel happy with. And yes, I get the difficulty with talking about D. I was talking to some other parents of children with disabilities yesterday and we were all saying how hard it is to have to keep explaining our kids' problems to every person we come into contact with. Not quite the same situation as D, I know, but that having to keep digging deep is just too much. I think he'll get the hang of it. Maybe you can train pooch to chuck a ball at him each time he does it :) Lol.
I'm glad it's going so well. You sound really happy and it just sounds kind of easy. Which is so lovely. I'm really chuffed for you xx
Hopalong:
The rent money will be wonderful!
Mr. Tutu's suggestion is that I can use it to fix up this house.
I may squirrel it away out of my depression-era-ish fear of poverty.
Which I know, and YOU know, sucks. But that's tempting, even if
I never live here again. But I could one day, if I outlive him. Which
I don't want to do, simply because I don't want him to grieve.
Yet.
He's also stated that he intends to pay my living expenses once
we are living together. Plus travel. And I believe him. It's ridiculous.
I did insist on being responsible for my own 2-day visit to Norway,
since he's doing everything else re. Paris. That plus 10 days of dogsitter...$$!
In October, we'll go to California to visit the granddaughter due then.
And it's going to be Costa Rica for Christmas. His brother and sister
are there, and all their kids.
The thing is, it has sunk in that I have found My Person. And A FAMILY!
He has told me over and over that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
And I just say, "I feel the same." I do! I think we'd be smart to live together a
while before formalize it, but we both see marriage as the point, ultimately.
My Person. Not to mention my Pooch's Person! He stuffs her with treats
and then while he's rubbing her belly gives me a side-eye and
says, "She's my dog now." We banter and tease about her all the time.
I finally conceded that she is clearly 49% his dog. This is a joyful fantasy
come true. I have fantasized for YEARS about doting on a dog with a beloved
partner, bantering and teasing together. And this is happening. It's crazy.
His youngest son arri ves for aweek this weekend and Ican't wait to meet him.
love and thanks fo rlistening! (Cursed spacebar...my laptop's in the shop.)
xxxoooo
Hops
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