Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Relationship/s

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Hopalong:
Thanks, ((((((Sea)))))).

I am, I think. (And thank you for the lovely things you said.)

I feel more solid in myself than I did while we were trying to navigate a future plan and his forcefulness was so very stressful for me. We're both acting a lot mellower now--from having let the dreams go-- and I do think the pandemic has caused more introspection.

I feel mortal in new ways these days but it's not all bad.

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
After several months of floating in a very happy just-friends-companions space with M, I've gotten back into an anxiety space. I think I know why but it'll help me clarify to write it here (as usual).

He's started mentioning me traveling with him once restrictions are lifted. Like to California to see his wonderful kids, their families, and the adorable grandkids. The way he's mentioned it (about 3 times) is now: 'You can come if you want." Also, we wrote back and forth a little about a free screening of an event about Barcelona (he doesn't want to go, mainly I think because he's jealous of his colleage who is hosting it and "doesn't know what he's talking about" -- unlike M, who lived there at one point). I dropped it, and then he wrote: Let's go to Barcelona in July!

I replied -- we can talk about it. But inside, things went awry and I got very anxious and re-read emails from the time I did the breakup in July, just to remind myself what the issues were. And I saw his replies, including comments like "Don't imagine anything new" and "Life's too short [for serious therapy" and there's no time!" etc. And he's also said:
It doesn't have to be that way. (Re. my fears of old age miseries in a nursing home)
There will never BE another woman!

Oy. Bottom line is, I need to believe him and stop the trickle of NEW dreams I'd begun to indulge in myself since we've been such happy and comforted companions as pod-mates during quarantine. Sigh.

What I'm forcing myself to focus on now is:
--He has directly or indirectly refused to talk about our relationship, or feelings.
--He has made multiple comments about not dealing directly with the future, just staying in his house until he can't, and then assuming his kids will come to the rescue. (He's really not concerned with organizing things or planning his downsizing.)
--I believe he realized during our house hunt that he really isn't interested in making a home together or sharing daily life. He never said so, but acted it out.

So. My conclusion is that it would hurt a LOT to go re-bond with his kids, whom I really really adored and who welcomed me like a family member. To re-appear there without any clarity on who I am in their world now would just pile on feelings of outsiderness and to re-bond with the baby and then know I'll never be her grandma just sounds like pain on legs. So I'm saying no to that.

No real conversation about who we are to each other now, and what we EACH want? I think he just wants me to adapt to his preferences, honestly. And I can, to the degree that the occasional shared meal and evening is comforting and fun. But if he's subtly trying to re-introduce travel and family time...I think it's too much for me to handle, without feeling some security. And I don't.

I'm also not feeling fit enough for the stresses of big travel.

So for all those reasons, I'm going to tell him tomorrow evening that I'm not able to go, and perhaps it'd be better if he wouldn't keep inviting me.

(In some ways it feels like he's dangling carrots under my nose. Am I a mule?)

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
((((Hops))))
No....not a mule.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Got up the nerve to tell him over the phone that I needed that sort of honest conversation now. Told him I'd started re-dreaming and then got quite anxious when he made repeated invitations to be with his family again, much less Spain. And that I wanted to know how he felt too.

He said that because I "summarily executed" him during the last T session, he felt he could never live with or marry me. And that I'm "too self absorbed." But he loves my company and still wants my companionship. Dinner tomorrow.

I think that leaves me between a rock and a hard place, because although it's been very comforting to have the "pod" together, he's been clear. And I have to as well. If I continue pouring so much daily thought and attention into him, my uncertain old age will just get moreso. And what I want is a deeper and fuller relationship, including the commitment that would give me some security. I'm not ashamed of it. I may never get it but I also can't pretend it doesn't matter. I'd live in a state of loss and subtle grieving if I just keep going as it is. It's important that I heard him.

If he's still got his victim narrative going ("The woman broke it off in front of our therapist!") and characterizes that as "unconscionable" -- he's dismissing everything else, villainizing me, and taking no responsibility for any part he played. I think we BOTH contributed to the collapse of our initial relationship. But I'm alone in that, because he wants to blame it all on me and avoid all vulnerability -- and still have the stimulating interesting dinner companion and caring friend he really enjoys.

Truth is, I think he's a dutiful friend to maintain the sparkling conversation times and dinner company. But I'm not experiencing him being a very caring one. He is completely incurious about what I am experiencing. And distress is unwelcome. It somehow breaks the rules.

My poet friend, who's spent some time with us, said she thinks he's very comfortable with pretense. And so a pretend relationship is where he feels at home. The rituals and dinners and silly emails...that's really all he needs. (And he does love Pooch.) For me, those things would be enough too, within the context of a shared life.

I'm glad I talked to him and heard what he had to say. It'll sink in. And I'm grateful for the company and support we've given each other during this pandemic time.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
I'm sorry, Hops ((((((Hopsie))))))

I am glad he's been clear and direct, though, and not given you any false hope or made promises that he can't keep.  I know it isn't the way you wanted things to turn out, ideally.  But hopefully over time the current situation will lessen and the comfort of a pod won't be as essential as it is now.  And I hope you're able to keep being kind and caring to yourself in the meantime xx

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