Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
sKePTiKal:
OK, so you've learned a lot Hops. What you like/don't like; want/don't want for who you are now. You jumped in and took the risk - the emotional risk - of allowing yourself to dream with M. All while minding your boundaries and not allowing him to push you too fast. Protecting yourself.
Then, you put on your practical hat. From under that feathered brim, you quickly realized what was dysfunctional between you too -- and you went to work to make things better. And dealt with the disappointment of M's lip service to the idea, without making any substantial changes because he was getting what he wanted and it's beyond his ability to try to give you what you want. Just means he is the wrong guy for you.
I keep examining how I define commitment - and what is possible for individuals within commitment; what that looks like in real life terms. I think this changes as we grow & mature; and as we assume responsibility for our own basic needs - and even for social connection needs outside of the prime relationship - so that it may be absolutely possible to achieve that romantic commitment because the needs of earlier life aren't mingling in that definition. There isn't such pressure to "provide", "make a home", childcare responsibilities, etc.
IMO there's no one "right" definition of commitment - and sometimes I want what I want and simply don't care if anyone approves or not, as long as the interesting party is interested in the same thing - or close enough, that it's only a small gap that needs bridging. My partners - with a small number of exceptions - have mostly had some basic fundamentals in common with me and that's made things simpler and easier; fewer misunderstandings.
Hopalong:
YES to the fundamentals, Amber.
I think, though, in my present circumstances, this looms larger than for you:
--- Quote ---the needs of [edit to make it me] LATER life aren't mingling in that definition. There isn't such pressure to "provide", "make a home"
--- End quote ---
I gotta work on this. Really make peace with my fears of old age alone in a not-nice care home. Given what I can't afford.
It's never been M's JOB to smooth that fear away for me. But he did. Repeatedly. Over and over.
So realizing he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear....is small comfort now.
But I need to really step up and face uncertainty, even embrace it. I just have horrible fears, having spent waaaaaay too much time with elders in nursing homes substituting for their families....of being in that circumstance.
Oh well. I can still grow up more. Face facts and work on my fears.
It's never too late for that.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Gotcha Hops. That's an entirely different topic too. And another deep one.
Hopalong:
Judith Sills (A Fine Romance) had a couple of great terms, like "the switch" which somebody referenced. Another one was "the curtain call" -- and it hit me that's a perfect explanation of what I was going through recently.
The quarantining, loneliness, etc, plus the "pod" safety I felt with M, plus the residual affection, etc., all added up to me totally losing my balance and beginning to tell myself I could slide back into the story (and that of course meant he also would be ready to work together to make the dream real).
I feel relieved today. I drilled in obsessively (as you've no doubt noted) re-analysing, picking away, poking, thinkingthinkingthinking...and then over the last two days re-read all 50 pages of this thread.
It was an enormous help. I saw the whole arc in clearer view. His humanity and mine. I also saw the bright lines for what they are, both mine and his. And I think I've re-let the fantasy go, with much relief. (I had let Fear of Future corrupt my courage and I'm getting it back).
I'll still see him now and then. But I'm not, hopefully and determinedly, going to lull myself again into focusing everything around him. When people tell you who they are, believe them. "Don't imagine anything different." What an insane message for a poet!
Spring is coming and life is calling and even if that means living alone, I'm going to live until I don't!
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
I'm glad you've been able to see things a bit more clearly (realistically?), Hopsie, and that things are less intense. I think it's perfectly natural to really desire companionship and affection, even more so with this winter that we've all just been through. I do understand the Fear of Future aspect; it is a big unknown and I'm the Queen of not being able to tell myself 'what will be, will be' in many situations so I do get that. Are there other options between 'married' and 'alone in a care home'? I don't know what the situation is like over there and please don't feel that you have to explain all the things that aren't available or that just wouldn't work, I'm just curious as to whether there are other things in between.
I'm glad you have a spring in your step again and that things are looking a bit more constructive again xx
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