Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp.
I'd still like M to be happy, because I care about him. I see what's vulnerable and want to be gentle with that part. Every now and then I just get sick of the ego.
I'm just still working at my untwining. I have to adapt to being alone and have begun to face that being around him is both pleasurable at times and also risky.
Being as alone as I am/feel is a big challenge. Having M in touch daily is both a comfort and an avoidance.
I think I'll continue to get better at being on my own again. I'm just sometimes a little shocked at how difficult it's been to not look to his voice (in email, on the phone) as an anchor of reassurance. I think I've come to doubt how much he'd really be there for me in future now anyway. His hyperbole about his steadfast support might have just been the same kind of hyperbole he always has used.
And given that the shared dream is over, it's probably going to be better for me not to think of him first thing in the morning (where's the morning email?) etc. Yet I still do. It's a reflex, a habit, and will take time to let go of.
I'm making big headway. Spring is here. But it's been shocking how deeply embedded/entwined I got. My theory is that so many years -- decades -- of life spent focused on Nmom made me DEEPLY comfortable with tending to M, who is as insecure as she was and in some ways almost as narcissistic.
He's a lot more charming and a lot more fun than she was. Maybe that's the difference. But recognizing the enormity of lifetime "training" to attend to someone very narcissistic is what's startling me right now.
Not in a bad way. In a learning, wake-up way.
hugs
Hops
I'm holding all that and trying to find the right balance.
Twoapenny:
All perfectly understandable, Hopsie, and all things take time to adapt to and for readjustment to take place. And I think the thing with a lot of 'narcissistic' (I only put that in inverted commas because you can put all sorts of different words in there, but basically anyone a bit manipulative/selfish/self absorbed and so on) people is that they often are good fun, charming, helpful (to an extent) and so on. No-one's perfect so it's understandable that anyone would be willing to put up with some imperfections in someone else. Always a balance between a person's good characteristics and their not so good ones and not wanting to be alone, particularly as one gets older and even more particularly during this horrible pandemic, is just very human. I do understand (and see so many echos in my own situation with fair weather friends and the dirty old man next door - my entire life has been about prioritising other people and it's so easy to not even realise it's what's happening). That said, I am glad you were able to see it in M and not continue down the rabbit hole, as hard as it is to face reality sometimes (says Tupp, who's had enough of reality for one day and is planning a box set festival later on today :) ). I'm keeping everything crossed that the right balance is there to be found and that there's a nice bloke on the end of it :) xx
Hopalong:
Thanks, (((((Tupp))))).
I feel a lot better than I did earlier.
Beautiful day. I finished editing my poet-friend's novel, which I did intensively as a farewell gift for her. She has meant so much to me, the only regular connection I have with another poet IRL who gets that outlier, unconventional take on life and culture and everything...and she's going to be listing her house and moving with her cranky partner to another state where her daughter and adorable granddaughter live. It's a wonderful move for her as her relationship's been often unhappy (but she can't quit him) as she'll have so much daily contact with her close family. She's also excited to live in/near a big city again as she's ready for a last big adventure.
I'm really happy for her but sad for me. Apart from that one time I wrote here about (the stupid social-distance fight on a walk) she and I have been very close and extremely supportive of each other for nearly 10 years-ish now. I'll miss that connection a great deal. We'll write and call and maybe even visit, but her upcoming departure has been weighing on me. Today she reminded me that there ARE good poets in this community I can connect with, and she's right.
So I wanted to do a BANGUP job on her book, and I did. Three hundred pages of close editing. She was thrilled and I choked up telling her I did it as a goodbye gift. It's off to the designer (my young graphic artist friend, I introduced them) and I'm so proud of her.
I think this spring will be a slow and tenative re-awakening and I hope, a building of new friendships when the opportunity comes.
A nice bloke at the end of it would be awesome (as long as he can tap dance).
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
Just had a great time with my T realizing how much I've come awake, in a way. I feel clarity like crazy. Thanks to Pfizer, probably. LOL.
The cues and little pokes etc. from M just aren't taking effect as they used to.
I'm not angry. I'm feeling relief. Glad I recognized another manifestation of old lessons I will re-learn as often as I do...and in time. To liberate myself. To refocus on what matters to ME, in my own life.
How lucky I am. How many good people I know. How much possibility there is until there isn't.
How free I feel right now. (High on vaccination #2, for sure. Only two hours in the line today and much of it chatting with an attractive man my age. HAH!)
Life feels good and I feel GRATEFUL!
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
That was a lovely gift for your friend, Hopsie, and I hadn't realised she was the one that was moving away. That is a shame, I know there was the little walking tiff but we all do things like that sometimes and one who ha in ten years isn't bad! Was it her poetry that M was being a bit dismissive of. I'm so glad that the clarity is coming with M, as well. It's very hard to extricate oneself from a relationship when strong feelings are there, less so when it all feels a bit less intense, I think? It's nice when one of those 'my head knows I shouldn't but my heart makes me want to' bubbles bursts and the compulsion just goes (or at least lessens enough to be less of an issue). And a second vaccine as well! Truly good news. It should give you so much more protection (in a few weeks, I think, if it's the same as the ones they're using here?). I do think from what I've read that vax + mask + hand washing and keeping space will mean that pesky Covid will have little opportunity to take up residence and that can only be a good thing.
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