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Relationship/s

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sKePTiKal:
Cheers to old cranks, Hops!!

It is my firm belief (no matter the validity of it) that after a certain age, we're allowed to be cranky. Look at all the years:

- we put up & shut up for a paycheck
- we kept the peace by yielding our druthers
- the world changed and not necessarily to the good; but to cover all that I'd need to publish volumes of essays (rants)

The work I keep taking on, physically, wears me out enough it's not even worth ranting. Feed me, put one of the Purr-doctors on my lap, hand me a bourbon (liquid ibuprofen) and I'll be quiet - except maybe for the snoring.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

"Wanted: compatibly cranky old man with the ability to laugh at himself and the absurdity of life who is interested in all the things we didn't have time to do when we were raising families - and me."

That's a fair personal ad, isn't it????   :D

Hopalong:
Very good one, Tupp!
(I"m taking notes.....) Plus--

Optionals:
Hair
Teeth
Fabio
Fat wallet

Essentials:
Humor
IQ/education
Empathy
Responsibility

Simple enough. Keep the line moving!

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
Verrrry slowly and gently, getting ready to "get out there" with online dating again.
Do not want to rush it or flood myself with stress (even though fun, it's stressful).
Have had a few simple correspondences, but always find myself pushing it off or inserting delays or caveats (fully vaccinated is a reasonable one, but I'm a little odd in that I have zero interest in online chat or correspondence before we've met). So I'm somewhat ambivalent. Might be that I am adapting to life alone and just ... wondering. How important is The Duo Dream to me still? Or am I giving up?

Open to the answers as they slooooowly form. Not pushing it. Focusing more on my health and my own therapy/healing/un-depressing progress. Exercise plan starting.

Still seeing M about once a week, checking in (he usually initiates) almost daily. He's been agitated and depressed, even mentioned he no longer enjoys cooking, a big change. So I offered to spend Easter afternoon, and he's instantly happy again. Didn't get a fancy reservation but is cheered about spending time I think.

He has a lot of lecture-travel coming--Russia in Sept, a in France, then Madrid in spring. Each time he'll be with people and busy busy (and happy with the stimulation) but even though he's not gone on about it, I think he's sad to go alone.

I feel I'm seeing him more clearly AND compassionately now that I have fully released the fantasy of The Dream being possible with him. And that's a relief.

Just an update...
hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Good update to read, Hopsie.  I think there are some similarities in our situations, in the sense that I think it's maybe a wise path to work on the present (health, social life, maybe some dates) whilst keeping what you'd like ideally in mind, and at the same time settling in to a rhythm that will work if a serious romance doesn't come along at the right time. You sound like you're taking a balanced approach to it all.  I'm glad to read that the situation with M is less intense, and for what it's worth I don't think it's odd not to spend hours chatting with people online when you can't meet them.  I've found online interaction can be misleading.  I think it's sensible to wait until you can get together.  I think you need to be able to look into a person's eyes, you know?  Looking forward to hearing more along the way, though :) xx

sKePTiKal:
Hmmm. Online chatting, obviously, can be quite deceptive - behind the screen could be the antithesis of what the person is claiming. It's a real thing. It happens even in face to face interactions. I'd say do what you're comfortable with, because if the random Mr. Possible can't even accommodate that wish, then you're sorting out the "nopes" faster.

B & I were different; the exception to that? I dunno. Hol still has reservations about this - but I point out her track record with the face to face "getting to know you" and various "deceptions" that were usually rooted in the partner not really being honest with themselves about who/what they were. Or her attempts to make something work despite the obstacles.

I think it was different, because both B & I are the "what you see is what you get" types. No hidden agendas. And neither of us started out TRYING to establish a relationship. The years of chatting online gave the "essential data" about our lives & who we were (or thought we were). The occasional phone call, allowed for more intuitive "knowing" who the other is; not completely - but definitely more spontaneously real. The friend zone was a much easier starting point for both of us. Meeting him the first time - was a bit of a shock; the "inner B" is just as canny & forceful & strong as he ever was... and physically, the years of physical impact on him looked as if they'd broken him.

Then, after the all night road trip (he didn't drive)... he started to unload tools and get to work. Now, I'm an overly visually-oriented person - and on that wavelength, I can sense a lot of OTHER types of things too. He opted to be totally in his element as he took in my place, me, Hol & S, etc. Neither he or I open up much to new people, until we have some sense of who they are. I might be a little more open about data about myself - which even Hol says, I need to restrain. LOL. But because we took our time with the "talking about ourselves" and inquiring about each other part of it - activities are a good thing for us - that well-protected, and consciously hidden switch - clicked all on it's own.

If I'd met him first, I might only have seen the toll of combat & medical "treatment" - and not bothered to dive any deeper. I wasn't looking to be a caregiver again; or put myself in a position to ease someone else to the other "side". Not what I wanted at ALL. Through the online environment, I saw how he raised his D; how he treated other women on the forum; how he interacted with other people who weren't entirely "functional" as human beings. But then, discussion forums are more like the local pub where people talk, get to know each other in a group (usually moderated) setting. And that's helpful for seeing "who the person is" -- when they're not directly engaging with oneself. The "tells" show up better sometimes this way. I think, anyway.

If the dating site, has a group discussion... it might be better to use that instead of initiating one to one communications in depth immediately. As another option, if meeting face to face is difficult. But then, I'm an avowed people watcher; observer. Especially online. I usually read quite a bit of a certain person's talking & thought process before I engage in any of their threads. On any topic!

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