Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
Thank you, Lighter.
The support, acceptance and ESPECIALLY the patience of this board has gotten me through it. There's nowhere else, not therapy, not IRL friendships, where I've been so able to "get it all out."
And while complaining about M's lacks this time, I note that I skipped over my own. Helpful to also face squarely (without self loathing) my own contributions:
--lifetime habit of falling into love-delusions because my imagination is so busy and eager to fill in my lonely spaces and relationship "adulting" is too hard
--dizzying CoD responsiveness to powerful personalities (which covers a craving to be taken care of, despite my independence)
--immense stubborness (from anxiety) about not fully letting go until I've beaten a dead horse into dogfood
I had a significant though pitiful memory the other day that I need to share with my T. When I was about 10 years old, I got to go to a sleep-away camp near another town. I was very excited. I'd had few friends and never knew how to bond with my peers (geeky, waaay sensitive, and incredibly lonely).
So when I got to camp and met everyone, I told them that although my name was Hops, everyone should call me "Honey" (sooo suthrun!) because that was my nickname. Kids rolled their eyes and I don't recall any doing it. (I was as out of step with peers there as at home). But one counselor, a young man, always looked at me directly and gently called me "Honey." The whole week.
It hit me the other day that I was truly affection starved. Though my Dad was very gentle as a personality and did offer me some cuddly closeness, he was very busy and tired. It was Nmom, I realize in retrospect, honestly never ever showed affection. She messed with me nonstop and I spent huge amounts of time with her. But her way of relating was just the nonstop talking AT me. Never with me. Her touch was brisk and efficient, but never tender.
I believe I was so affection starved that I made up a tender nickname because I had heard people -- whether someone's parent or a servant in their homes -- call them "Honey" in a warm, straight-from-the-heart (particularly maternal heart) voice.
I never heard that voice in my childhood. But I'd unconsciously felt it as a yearning, and so I declared the revealing nickname at camp. For one week, I imagined I'd be addressed as "Honey" (because strangers would believe me that everybody at home called me that) which would mean love.
Didn't work out that way (kids saw through it) but remembering, I am so grateful for that young counselor, who heard the yearning and was so kind in his response.
hugs,
Hops (no, don't need to be called "Honey" except on special occasions! LOL)
sKePTiKal:
This all sounds good Hops. I've always admired how you've been able to compassionately unearth your feelings and accept the reality of situations. (Not to mention your ingenious way with words!)
Nothing indicates that you have to close the door on your dream. M might not be the right person to share that with - but clearly there are some of his attributes that looked promising and felt attractive. So, following the old "nothing risked, nothing gained"... you took a chance, put in the effort, and discovered there was some misperceptions/less than complete understandings. That takes bravery! And believing in yourself. Trusting yourself.
I'm a firm believer in "friendship first". And you did, as far I understand the chronology, take your time. I think you've come out the other side of that experience not just intact - but stronger. You have a better understanding now, of your standards and "need priorities" for the relationship you're dreaming about, I think.
lighter:
LOl, you knew I'd be sitting at my keyboard so wishing I could send any small comfort, ((Hopsy))
I'm so sad for your brave and creative little child's heart at camp. So grateful for that attuned camp counselor who saw her/you and responded.
That's such important insight. Seeing how childhood wounds play out through a lifetime is heartbreaking and such huge relief all mixed up with processing, overcoming and new choices becoming available with astonishing clarity, ime. Sometimes pounding like a hammer..... it's so apparent.....old patterns seem so wrong. New choices seem so obvious, ime
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber. That was so affirming.
I felt a lot better after reading your response.
I wrote this to M, and felt I was speaking clearly:
It's actually quite painful for me to be around
your family, as very much as I like them...it's emotional
and reminds me of the lost big dream and lost hopes.
Again, no blame; I'm not going there. It has been about
a year and I'm just trying to feel my way into my future as
it appears likely it will be.
It starts in the present and, for me, requires honesty and
openness. Otherwise, true closeness becomes a sham.
We both deserve better than that. Wish we could talk
about deeper things sometimes. But it's okay....your
place in my heart will always be!
Hugs and thanks,
Hops
Hopalong:
You HAVE sent comfort, Lighter!
And your understanding that the needy little kid was also "creative" really adds strength.
I feel lots better now.
As to new choices being so obvious. You're totally right, in the rational part of things.
I'm working on that! I'm half id, half poet, half lazy daydreamer, half deluded. But my rational half totally agrees with you.
That makes me two and a half...never did like math.
hugs
Hops
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