Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Twoapenny:
Well Hops, your perception and level headed approach to the whole situation are very impressive, as is your ability to see the good parts and balance them without making light of what's bothering you or just ignoring it. There's a female comedian here who jokes about women only being able to hide their PMT from new boyfriends for the first three months. After that, they can't suppress it, but the boyfriend is in love by then and can't leave :) It's funny, but there's a lot of truth in it as well - we present a side of ourselves when we first get to know people and slowly the real us comes out.
It does sound as if M has some issues of his own he needs to deal with and it's good that he's willing to see a counsellor. And I do hope things sort themselves out and start to settle as you've had so many good things to say as well. But it does all sound very exhausting for you and yes, becoming someone's mum isn't a prospect that anyone relishes (and you're wise to be clear about avoiding that). Someone calling or texting me frequently would drive me nuts, too - call, leave a message and wait. I can understand you feeling turned off and pulling away. I hope he is able to understand that as well, and to slow down a bit with everything. It would be a great shame for him to lose you because he wants you too much! So I hope he can start talking things through with someone soon and start to calm down a bit. Well done to you for keeping a calm head through all of it xx
Hopalong:
Thank you, (((((((((Tupp)))))))).
Your capacity to see the heart of a narrative, understand what's happening and in perspective, just blows me away.
I truly appreciate it. I do think we'll be okay and felt so much better after letting it out here.
love
Hops
Meh:
Wow propose. hehe at least you have some romantic drama to talk about and make you feel desired. But yeah, for those of us who spend time alone and even need alone time to recharge sometimes.... well I don't like the idea of someone being around all the time it's too much.
Congrats whatever you decide. It's cool.
sKePTiKal:
Busy morning around here Hops. But the "it" I usually see negatively, is my great need for someone at my back, helping protect me... sometimes even from myself. It's something I consciously work on and my years of solitude has helped considerably. So, at present, it's not "gone" but it's managable.
I have a lot to say later, about M's anxiety and fear of loss. Just no time right now to do it justice. I will say, it sounds like you've found your own way of understanding, absorbing and dealing with it and your plan (the counselor) is wise and considerate and helpful. Chances are, you and M can work through this and smooth out the transition to those deeper layers.
Your insights are apt and compassionate; and your wisdom is something you can have faith in.
Hopalong:
Well, I needed a couple days on my own. I told him I needed to be alone for a while and he said "of course." And then wrote messages, left voicemails, and so forth.
This morning he called again (an hour earlier than he'd said he would) and said he had a very important thing he wanted to give me (I'm seeing him tomorrow night). I said, let's do that tomorrow evening since I'm coming then anyway. He presses and presses--Oh I won't come in, I will just drop it by, etc etc. I said no, please don't, I'd like to do that tomorrow night. He finally agrees to wait, but still had to talk about it, at length.
M says: But let me tell you how important a gift this is...I've had it for YEARS...then he describes a student (who'd paid him a huge compliment about his teaching) from another country who gave him this gift. It happens to be an object after which I'd titled a poem that M. loves. And that's very sweet. But it's not an emergency. His intense desperation to connect with me is not an emergency. Yet to him, it is. Any excuse to just see my face, have me smile and kiss him. Then he'd be okay again for a little while. That's not healthy. I don't want to be NEEEEEEEEEEEEEDED (as Lighter said) to that degree.
I brought up anxiety and attachment issues, and he said "Of course, I understand that" (which is the kind of thing he says about everything). But his behavior...
But I understood what was happening. Last night the pretext was, "May I call because I just want to ask you a silly question?" I said, please don't, I just need to be on my own for a while. Today the pretext is, "May I just bring you the gift?"
He's ruminating again and building up to another anxiety freakout. I have withdrawn a bit, just for a while, to rebalance myself. I explained to him on the phone just now that for me, the whole cycle of his anxiety and the pressure to reassure him was destablizing for me and I need time alone with my own thoughts to "recalibrate" myself. He instantly says he understands (he says that to almost everything I say) but then offers a few little digs (which he denies): "You're using subterfuge, not being direct with me..." I say, I don't like the term "subterfuge" and he says "oh no, not that, etc.".
But the good news is that he did reach out to arrange some counseling.
I've started to understand that the hyperbole that so entertained me at first is pretty toxic when applied to us. "You are the center of my world" kinds of things. He says that kind of thing constantly (in much more elaborate form) and I've started to recoil because it's purple prose, it's excessive, and it's almost alarming.
I am beginning to see that if this relationship is to survive, I'm going to have to be extremely blunt with him, which is not my way. I've tried responding with things like, I don't want to be the center of your world, I want YOU to be the center of your world. I want you to be alone with yourself at times and still happy. I want you to enjoy your own self. I cannot hold everything you're piling into my arms.
This has become exhausting, but I'm seeing my T in a few hours. Thank god.
Thank you all for listening, I appreciate it so much. This is part of my own anxiety management.
Security is going to do me no good if I'm drowning and I'm beginning to worry that M may drown me. He is still a wonderful person, but I think this relationship is going to be the mature-boundary test of my life.
love
Hops
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