Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
This is very wise and concrete advice, Lighter.
I'll take it. Gratefully.
I dunno what he thinks he's doing, maybe this is Latin enthusiasm.
But as you say, I intend to focus on what I feel and what I want.
He seems bright, and was very courteous when I declined an evening call. Emailed that he understood completely.
I think I'll know more once I spell out to him my philosophy of intentionally NOT bonding before an in-person meeting. So I'm just fine waiting until next month and prefer not to be in constant contact between now and then.
If he responds just as graciously to that boundary, that'll be good news. If he doesn't, well I can even cancel the meeting if I choose to. Not so far, but it's a choice I have available to me.
I am the engineer of my own choo-choo. If there's an Express train barreling down a parallel track, I can send good wishes for its safe journey. Putta-putta-putta on Thomas the Tank, is what's the right speed for me.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
OK.
I realize I'm resistent to and resentful when pulled into a conversation I don't want to have, perhaps NEVER will want to have.
I'm aware of sending mixed signals your way with..... ASK for what you want... tellhim what you need AND when I say I would resent having to SAY out loud I intentionally do not bond with people at any point. Paraphrasing here,but ..... I just can't imagine saying that,bc it feels so personal. I know it's one of my things,bc I am a very private person, believe it or not as much as I blather on here, but......
it struck me as being pushed into response,and congrats to you for having that abiltity to be responsive under pressure, Hops.
I'm feeling very emotionally distant from caretaking other people's feelings right now, so I think it's more to do with that, about ME; )
Lighter
Hopalong:
I get it, Light.
Would be much nicer to find someone who has enough functional intuition to pickup on the fact that he's too revved up and needs to slow his roll.
We'll see. More to learn before jumping out of the boxcar (OR hijacking the engine...)
I'm glad you shared all that. Truly.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
Interesting. After I briefly explained to "C" that I generally prefer not to do a lot of phone calls or correspondence until we've met, he promptly stopped the daily contacts. I emailed him best train schedules for his visit next month. I figure either:
1) He lost interest if he's not welcome to pursue and woo right away, or
2) He's smart, considerate (or strategic) and simply respecting my request.
Either outcome is reality-friend so all is well!
(Do wish I knew anybody who's dated a prosecutor...what to expect? Aaack.)
Dinner with M last night. Pooch VERY happy to see him. It was okay. I notice I'm not quite as mellow as I usually felt going over there, but think that's natural given the big feels and perspective change that surfaced after his sons were here and his Tgiving invite w/his sister. All that (surfacing feelings) was ouchy but helpful.
We chatted some of the usual: Coronavirus, health, politics and other stuff. I commented I thought it'd be wise for him to tour local retirement places in case a day comes when he can't manage at home. Just to know what's here so it wouldn't be a decision under pressure one day, if it's ever necessary. I know them all well and recommended the schmanciest (full of retired diplomats, professors, ambassadors, big-cheeses). Told him he'd be surrounded by highly-educated, highly-successful people and he'd likely enjoy it. He said, "You can go and live with me there!". Another jaw dropper. I just gaped, I think.
Anyhow, premature and also weird. If you care for someone enough to live with them, why wait 10-15 years? He doesn't. I just make him feel safe. If only that were mutual, but emotionally, it ain't. Dropped the subject and we ate mussels.
Lighter, you'll enjoy this: when he was over here a week ago I folded some laundry and commented on my frayed towels: "Old Gent's towels are my towels" (because that's where I got them). M glances at a towel and says, "Do they work?" (Same reaction he'd once had when I showed him a threadbare bathrobe--"oh it's fine!"). But THEN (drumroll), M said, "Does it bother you?" and I answered, "Sometimes." Well Hops, you can have towels! he says, exasperated. End of subject. A week later 2 sets of lovely Turkish towels arrive. So maybe M is still gift-clueless but actually thought about it for a sec? Made me laugh. Thanked him genuinely, said small luxuries do lift the spirit, I just don't allow myself many. Great towels.
We also briefly discussed whether we'd be pod-partners again once Delta variant hell arrives, and agreed to. For now, I feel okay about it. But am generally hauling my mind off him a bit more easily. He's very happy with his professional life at the moment, fully engaged in his own work and plans for the Moscow trip. Good.
Me, relationship with self and health and home and friends (plus hopefully some dating before the local world implodes again) -- back at it. I sense small progress.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Well I'm quite excited now, Hopsie, I like the fact he backed off when you asked him to! Getting one that actually hears what you say would be a big step forward, in my opinion :) Is it next month you're due to meet up? I'm glad about the towels :) And the covid pop, should it be necessary. I'm glad you're getting back into your groove and that things are moving forward a bit :) xx
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