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Relationship/s

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Hopalong:
Thanks, ((((Tupp)))).

I'm feeing if not happy about relationships at the mo', at least clear. My denial and fantasy buttons have been damaged. I'm thankful for that. I feel more reconciled with what is real, rather than my eternally busy internal fantasy machine.

About M? The disappointment is really final. I don't expect he'll rise from the ashes of unawareness and become my contrite, recomitted, self-aware life partner. (Unless I'm desperate at 85 and take him up on his offer of a spare bedroom in a schmancy retirement place. That would be a bitter and sorrowful end, but who knows, I might make peace with it in response to exigencies. We'll see. I SO doubt it. Or perhaps our clumsy "friendship" will prove more sustaining than it is now. Could be ancient history by then.)

About C. Been thinking about him with my realism cap jammed over my brow. I sincerely doubt we're a good match, but imagine we'd have fun getting to know each other -- bantering/debating (the usual thing that happens with smart powerful men who seem to delight in pushback from a female-poet-outspoken human who bears NO RESEMBLANCE to the milieux or values that have guided their alpha rises.) That's okay. I like challenge and lively conversation and intellectual equality, and so do they, generally. However. If I'm in full control of my sanity I will remember: this process of opening to the possibility of good things happening -- is about my OWN dream of vital shared and trusting life companionship. Not dates that are like exciting movies, which end.

So that's a big change. I want/intend to remember: this is my LIFE, not just my evening. And I'm going to hold onto what is True North for me and my own life journey. Not what would just entertain and/or excite them.

I think I can do it. Maintain reality.

That's new! OMG.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Hear! Hear! To Hops knowing and trusting her own true North....and trusting it's wisdom.

Yes

Lighter

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---If I'm in full control of my sanity I will remember: this process of opening to the possibility of good things happening -- is about my OWN dream of vital shared and trusting life companionship. Not dates that are like exciting movies, which end.
--- End quote ---

Quoted for truth.  LOL.

But in reality this first stage of relationship is kinda like a seesaw Hops. Sometimes one is more centered in those romantic feelings (or else, why bother?) and sometimes in the reality of what your goals are for your future. I just can't picture you forming a functional relationship that provides stability and more resources and companionship in old age - WITHOUT a wee bit more than "respectful affection" on the flip side of the coin. So, like a team of horses, you need to get them to work together, not independently "take charge" of direction. And sometimes that's helped or hindered by the partner.

As to C giving you some space - who knows the reason why? It may be something "normal" for him... and he stepped down his participation onlne, respecting your request. Maybe he has a busy couple of weeks. And maybe he's moving on to someone more immediately accessible... as long as you remember that you were looking for someone you might be interested in (and vice versa) when you agreed to communicate/meet... and that if he walks away it's probably the universe telling YOU to move to on to something better -- and not a personal permanent condemnation of who you are; all will be well.

I think sometimes when we let the fantasy horse lead, one can let the heart space start to "believe" prematurely. It's secret, you know. Except it's not, really. It's better to keep a tight rein on that horse. Pay attention to the practical plodder more and give the whole team more time and practice before making that decision to let the heart space just do it's thing. If one stands in our power of choice and discernment when those feelings start to filter in, and threaten to wander away into the more imaginative and emotionally charged thoughts - one is better able to protect one's own "touchy" issues and more clearly see the partner through his actions and behaviors. By that point, one knows if one can extent enough trust to "go there" - into the heart space - and still be safe.

Sometimes that can all happen fast. Or it can be very slow and gradual. And as I kinda discovered - it can be both.

Hopalong:
Amber, embroidering this on a sofa pillow is taking an extremely long time but I thank you for it!

--- Quote ---...when we let the fantasy horse lead, one can let the heart space start to "believe" prematurely. It's secret, you know. Except it's not, really. It's better to keep a tight rein on that horse. Pay attention to the practical plodder more and give the whole team more time and practice before making that decision to let the heart space just do it's thing. If one stands in our power of choice and discernment when those feelings start to filter in, and threaten to wander away into the more imaginative and emotionally charged thoughts - one is better able to protect one's own "touchy" issues and more clearly see the partner through his actions and behaviors. By that point, one knows if one can extent enough trust to "go there" - into the heart space - and still be safe.
--- End quote ---

I am making progress. Sometimes my feelings in the opposite direction of the happy horserace are a clue, too.

I've been noticing in recent months (particularly since his sons' visits and how difficult it was to be held up like a girlfriend, when I ain't any more) that it's gotten harder to be around M. Avoiding it, really. Or when we get together, although it's the same rituals around meeting/eating/yakking, feeling shut down and depressed. He delights in my company (my listening) and seems perfectly comfortable with the new shape of our relationship. I no longer fantasize or hope or imagine it's anything it's not. But something was gnawing at me.

I finally realized it was that we have had absolutely ZERO conversation about how we feel or what we want as friends, and for me the whole scenario was beginning to feel fake and painful and unexpressed and if not awkward, at least superficial and strange. I can still enjoy his company but it's bittersweet and almost like a constant reminder of a dream given and then taken back, so to speak. More motivation to move on, which I YAM.

After my poetry meeting yesterday I went over and we had a real talk. I didn't rub his face in it but mentioned that I really am trying to move on, and though I don't want to reject his friendship at all, it's been a difficult process for me. I told him I am open to dating again and getting a little bit of response, and without much detail did let him know that I am doing so. He got it.

And he let one thing out that I had a shocked reaction to, internally. Although he said again that I can always count on him, I am permanently in his "circle of firelight" etc etc etc (and I have no idea how real that is)...and talked a ton about his own plans (stay right where he is and change nothing)....he also said that although he "hates to mention it" when I had the small stroke that really made him pause. And he doesn't want to risk ever losing anyone again (as when his wife died).

I get it. It's normal for older people to think about the consequences of commitment. I do too. But I guess....his cancer and his heart disease never had anything to do with me backing away, and it kind of hurt to hear him be so ... I dunno, transactional. I felt as though he was seeing me as "defective" so in spite of all the flowery transcendent language about what I meant to him then and mean still, this was another example of him saying: I'll talk love and commitment but when it comes right down to it, I won't sacrifice anything for you.

I just teased him that he couldn't even move his pepper shaker out of the way to make room for me and he got it. I'm not hating on him for his stroke comment, but found it a little bit cruel. It's the kind of thing anybody could THINK, but to tell someone to their face...I wouldn't. It's even a perfectly good reason for him to reconsider a partnership, commitment, etc. Could well be for me too, in future. I just don't get why he brought it up. Maybe it was to "get me back." Dunno, but really, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, good to know, I guess. Kind of sad.

C update. He's back from his trip and ready to plan his little train adventure to visit me. He can't make his email work consistently to save his life so I hope he pulls it off. I'm looking forward to an evening with him and he's already inviting me to the Kennedy Center etc. Not sure how much will be possible given Covid, but it's fun to have his interest. Next steps are MEET IN PERSON, then see where/whether it goes.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
I think M was trying to hurt you back, Hops.  It was my very first thought.

It's great you have new possible relationship on your horizon. 
Enjoy.
 Boundaries in place.
Listen to your gut.
Lighter

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