Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
Thank you, Lighter.
Thanks for helping me not remain in denial.
You are an excellent reality check for me about men and how they tick.
It's sometimes hard to protect ourselves against ourselves when it comes to the penis people....
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
That decision to not risk again, another person you are committed to is a personal choice. No right/wrong about it. Even when one is clear on that decision, there is second-guessing and the unexpected and unforeseen to deal with that can lead to regrets and worse.
I know this, but I made my decision and will take care of meself as best I can - and with help - and stand strong in that commitment.
Today is appt day.
Hopalong:
I agree, Amber. I don't think he was wrong to discover that limit within himself. What might have shown more kindness, however, would have been to not go house hunting and continue to feed the Big Dream fantasies. What he did instead left me ongoingly hurt and confused as he subtly sabotaged those visions while not admitting he was no longer committed to our lifetime relationship.
Although I still have real love for M, to me, he showed a combo of selfishness and some weak personal integrity in the way he brought it up (which felt like an underhanded slice--"oh, but unfortunately you have this defect..." kind of implication-- not an adult conversation about long-term care questions). If he really loved me and cared about my wellbeing, like -- actual love rather than "I like her conversation and attention so I will keep her involved with me" -- he would have told me as a man that he was reconsidering his former declaratinos and realizing he couldn't maintain that promise of security etc, rather than letting me go through a long slow and painful disillusionment process while he just watched.
That's probably a bit harsh, because nobody fully knows themselves and every human being is capable of mixed motivations (my self included). I just have an internal high bar for honesty and not leading people on. I'm not sure M intended to do that...I'm pretty sure he believed his own hyperbole for the first year...and it's my responsibility to shake off poet-brain and light up grownup-brain to accept full responsibility for my own choices. And outcomes.
I think I'm doing that now. I choose to continue to love him in some way as a friend only. But I also choose to be less automatically available to him for his weekly dinner diversions and daily superficial email exchanges (or his evening calls to unload his day). Those were depressing me. Duh. So I'm going to tune into what I actually feel like --doing or declining-- going forward, and not automatically go along with his invites, generous (and delicious) as they might be.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Hops:
Deep down, do you feel healthy boundaries, applied consistently, will keep you safe in new relationships?
I don't know if I've every experienced that in a way I could make sense of, myself. I feel like I don't know the what and how. What I experience is reactive paralysis when THE moment to address that first boundary transgression arises. The more irrational the transgresssion, the more paralyzed I've felt.
I have a sense of healthy boundaries working when I manage to put and keep them IN place, but it's not yet muscle memory.
I do notice reactivity falling away and it feels very hopeful.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Yes, YES! I do believe that.
I don't know that I'll become a perfect boundary-laying machine, but I am very clear that what you so often say--watch out for the FIRST ignored boundary and correct that pronto-- is the right goal.
I am just feeling clarity, and oddly -- peace.
I think it's from conveying to M, without any anger at all, that he can't take me for granted any more. I don't need to make him a villain, but he's not my main magnet any more.
(It only took me a YEAR to untangle!)
hugs
Hops
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