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Relationship/s

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lighter:
I think M helped you identify your boundaries, Hops.   

He helped you find your self protective spirit....and use it.

It's sad he's emotionally immature and selfish, but that's who he is.  It wasn't about you.

You sound ready to let him go.

Light

Hopalong:
I am, Lighter. The inner beagle is moving on. With sadness but eyes open. I think M has used me in ways, in other ways he's been real. But the not-owning anything ever, not apologizing ever, has accumulated...and the shine is off. All his hints and intimations at promises and commitment and certainty no longer ring reliable.

I don't find him emotionally reliable. I have begun to find him boring. I'm spotting his manipulative side. Rather than let my resentment build, I'm going to throttle back contact to occasionally, if I feel up for it in the moment. If I don't, I don't.
Much better for me in the long run to get the bandaid all the way off, rather than leave it dangling and ripe for infection.

I have mixed my metaphors to a beagle wearing a bandaid. Tired brain.

Speaking of tired brains, I'm concerned there might be something cognitive happening with C, whom I do not yet know. He can't seem to get communication methods straight and I'm about to let the idea go. I told him repeatedly that I don't text and he forgets. I explained I don't use my cell unless I'm away from the house but he calls me on my cell (last night after 9pm). I wasn't angry or assuming this was an intentional boundary breach because it suddenly hit me that maybe this wasn't dismissive of my requests, but a man who might be confused. He is 79. So maybe this whole fantasy that he's going to come here on a train and can successfully plan that is impeded by something on his end that I don't understand. I have a glimmer it might just be a sad reality that a clear connection and functional communication isn't happening for that reason. Hope I'm wrong but it's feeling too cloudy right now. He seems to want to chat a lot on the phone but is dragging his feet about making the plan. I will not build a phone relationship first. So maybe it's just a stalemate. That's okay but I'm real close to butting out entirely.

For a man who lives in the Watergate, I'd think he could resolve his computer issues enough to email. He says email's working fine, yet email (sent him train info) I've sent to both his addresses has started to bounce (when it worked before). He says his computer guy is "on speed dial" but didn't get it fixed yesterday and made no reference to it during our brief chat last night (I told him I was about to sleep).

He comes across as nice and as eager. I don't know enough about him to understand whether he really is okay, but I'm starting to wonder.

Oh well. Dating in one's 70s has to take aging issues into account, but this is feeling unwieldly in a weird way. I'm not blaming him as he may be unable to focus or remember stuff. But if I don't get a clear email about plans soon, I'm out.

Good for me. Yay, me.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I guess I didn't quite appreciate how another decade might impact the logistics required by age, impacts the old mental image & expectations of getting to know and be attracted to someone. Sure, B & I laugh a good bit about "The Old Folks' Boogie"... which ain't as easy as it once was for either of us and right now we're searching for a misplaced & forgotten coffee cup. But we've been burning the midnight oil talking, telling personal histories, and such.

Continuing to engage somONE, meet them, and even if nothing comes of the risk - keeps you healthier, Hops. It's a good thing to do, while it does have it's difficulties. I for one, am glad I kept that door open to the possibility.

Maybe the stars will line up for you pretty soon. I hope so. Maybe give C a chance to get his act together - but continue "shopping" and engaging, carefully out there? It also sounds like he's still actively engaged in a lot of work that might be distracting him, or he has underlying issues (of some sort) or even that he's not as invested in finding a lady love... as you are, for security & companionship.

Hopalong:
You're right, Amber.
Continuing to open and look through that door, whether it results in a true-love relationship or not, is a healthy thing for me to do.

Right now I'm marveling at how I held on for a year after breaking off the illusory relationship with M, and feeling sorrow at how much grief I was trying to paper over with the convenient friendship.

Now I do feel the walls closing in, and the full weight of solitude. But I will pull out of this. I think I just have to face what the feelings are. Handily, I see my T in half an hour and will talk it through there.

I hope I have circled the drain with M for the last time, whether I ever see him or not. Just...mentally. How draining it has been. I don't want that for myself any more. I don't want deep loneliness either, but there are positive ways to combat that if I'll only step forward and arrange them.

Waiting and hoping for it to come to me amounts to waiting and hoping. I'm going to be more proactive than that, but release the damn outcome!

Dunno about C. I just have a hunch the guy is struggling, and don't want to get all involved over the phone until I can see and feel for myself, in person, what his vibe is. It's been fun but is starting to feel illusory and chaotic. Don't need that either.

SO glad you and B are together -- will check out the Farm thread when I get back!

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
T was helpful. I teared up for a change (almost never cry there).

I just described the way I've been feeling, weird layer peeling away by layer, since his sons came. And how irritable and stultified I've felt over our repetitive "go over for dinner once a week and talk about the same subjects and nothing personal ever." And then the Big Talk on Monday. And how he slipped in some truths: Don't wanna change my life at all for anybody, and stay here and keep me company weekly anyway but on my schedule....and: don't be a defective "stroke" person, since I might suffer if you died and that's not acceptable. And, I love your dog. (That was a good one.)

She got it. Got pretty pissed about his stroke comment. Told me I'm doing really good work. I realized I am just doing the next (and fortunately, a later) stage of grief. I really did have a lot to grieve when our relationship fell apart, and now it's not a "faux" friendship but has been a weird one since. For me. He's entirely happy with how I've been slotting into his needs.

I made a big step. He sent me the usual "come to dinner" invite and I replied that I am going to wait a week more and figure it out then. Woo HOO, brave Hops!

Who knows? By this time next week maybe I'll either be: Brave enough to cut the last thread or realize I'm strong enough to enjoy what's good that lingers and go over anyway.

Dunno which. I feel like apologizing to every friend I have for taking so long and talking so interminably about this relationship and its death or change spiral. But it's the most significant bond I've had with any man in over 20 years, and there were so many confusing carrots hanging off my halter, that it's just going to take the time it takes.

I've decided I have my own permission to bore people. Sorry, dear Amazons. But thank you...more than you know!

hugs and love,
Hops

PS-- So I sent C a message explaining the incoherent connections (email? text? -NO- dating site?) were daunting and that I sympathize and he's off the hook if it's just too cumbersome to organize. He just replied and said he'd be on the train TOMORROW. I gently explained the concept of "not without notice, I have a life" (not in so many words) and we scheduled it for later this month. Hah. Fun I hope.

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