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Relationship/s

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lighter:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 04, 2021, 02:28:43 PM ---T was helpful. I teared up for a change (almost never cry there).

I just described the way I've been feeling, weird layer peeling away by layer, since his sons came. And how irritable and stultified I've felt over our repetitive "go over for dinner once a week and talk about the same subjects and nothing personal ever." And then the Big Talk on Monday. And how he slipped in some truths: Don't wanna change my life at all for anybody, and stay here and keep me company weekly anyway but on my schedule....and: don't be a defective "stroke" person, since I might suffer if you died and that's not acceptable. And, I love your dog. (That was a good one.)

She got it. Got pretty pissed about his stroke comment. Told me I'm doing really good work. I realized I am just doing the next (and fortunately, a later) stage of grief. I really did have a lot to grieve when our relationship fell apart, and now it's not a "faux" friendship but has been a weird one since. For me. He's entirely happy with how I've been slotting into his needs.  I admire his honesty.  I don't necessarily like HIM, but am always grateful when people gift me with honesty so I can finally FINALLY peg down my feelings about the reality of the situation. 

I made a big step. He sent me the usual "come to dinner" invite and I replied that I am going to wait a week more and figure it out then. Woo HOO, brave Hops!  I bet that felt SO GOOD.  He might get very happyfriendly soon.  Expect it.

Who knows? By this time next week maybe I'll either be: Brave enough to cut the last thread or realize I'm strong enough to enjoy what's good that lingers and go over anyway.  Who would you make that decision for?  Why would you make it?
 DO you NEED to force that ? Soon?  Now?  Why?  I say.... you don't have to do anything. If you want to think about it. Think.  If you want to putitdown.... PID.  If you want to pick it back up... PIBU.  And no excuses or explanations are necessary, ever, particularly to your friends.   You can calmly turn it over in your mind and see what's there, but you don't have to judge it, Hops.  Not good or bad.
 Ever.  Just what you want or don't want in that moment of thought and it's perfectly OK.  It always has been. 

Why is it so difficult to drop into the moment? Why is it so hard to stop worrying about the past and the present?  I KNOW we're conditioned and trained and develop pathways to DO that, but once we SEE it..... it's still so difficult, IME.

Dunno which. I feel like apologizing to every friend I have for taking so long and talking so interminably about this relationship and its death or change spiral. But But.  You don;t owe anyone an explanation or excuse or reason for doing what needs doing.
 IME we (yes, the royal one) do this automatically, without thinking about it and it slows the process of moving through the thing we're trying to figure out EVERY DARN TIME. it's the most significant bond I've had with any man in over 20 years, and there were so many confusing carrots hanging off my halter, that it's just going to take the time it takes.  Seeking/Avoidance forces are driving our lives and will as long as we get pushed and pulled by the fear and desire for comfort.  That might not make sense right now, but I don't edit my posts, bc I choose not to.  I know what it means and you can ask if you want clarification THAT FEELS WONDERFUL to just write and leave it behind without checking and changing, it truly does. 

I've decided I have my own permission to bore people. Sorry, dear Amazons. But thank you...more than you know!  Feel free to bore yourself further on my YARD thread.  It's it amazing?!?!?! It's GRAND!! Don't you apologize, ever again for penning your truth here, of all places, for these Amazons and the Amazons who come after.  Honestly, Hops. I remember when you told me to stop apologizing all the time....and you said other wise things, but at the time that was my take away.  Yet, we keep seeing lessons come round and round again and again, don't we?  !

hugs and love,
Hops

PS-- So I sent C a message explaining the incoherent connections (email? text? -NO- dating site?) were daunting and that I sympathize and he's off the hook if it's just too cumbersome to organize. He just replied and said he'd be on the train TOMORROW. I gently explained the concept of "not without notice, I have a life" (not in so many words) and we scheduled it for later this month. Hah. Fun I hope. I'm curious now, Hops. Just what DO you have going on tomorrow that can't bbe put off?  Do you want to meet this fellow?  Whatever you choose, it's OK and you don't owe anyone an explanation for your choices. 
Lighter

--- End quote ---

Hopalong:
Thanks, (((((Lighter)))). Very much.

No, LOL, I really do not want to meet him tomorrow without notice, and I do have other things scheduled! I was agog that he is so master-of-the-universeful that he just decided he'd come and of course I'd be ready to hustle up and make it work! (I had asked him to pick a couple dates and let me know and I'd confirm one...guess he reads too fast). Aaagggh. Nope nope nope. I just laughed and then we both looked at calendars and picked a date that works for us both. Jeez! It's funny but also a pink flag. Not a very original one, and I'm looking forward to the evening anyway. Should be fun. (He also decided on his own that rather than take the morning train back, he'd stay the whole next day. I told him I hadn't counted on that and he said no worries. If I'm enjoying him on our date I'll meet him during the day and if not, he can amuse himself....)

My collection of entitled, powerful (but charming) men is swelling. Crazy.

Thanks especially for this:

--- Quote ---If you want to think about it. Think.  If you want to putitdown.... PID.  If you want to pick it back up... PIBU.  And no excuses or explanations are necessary, ever, particularly to your friends.   You can calmly turn it over in your mind and see what's there, but you don't have to judge it
--- End quote ---

hugs
Hops

lighter:
I, right or wrong, get the sense the new guy felt you were brushing him off BC he failed to set a date and get his arse on the train and so just DID it out of panic. 

::shrug::.

Whatever happens, you're the Amazon Warrior Queen in your world.  He's no master of the universe outside his world.

You get to see if he's cool with that or not cool.  I say be yourself, without fail and see what happens.

Seek out the fun, even if there's no connection...... recoup whatever goodness is there. If you're involved, there will be goodness, IMO; )

Lighter

Hopalong:
I have a plan!

I'm just going to channel the one in the middle, all the way through.
(Don't miss the very end...!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynR1XmQruoo

LOLOLOLOL

OMG, just watched it through again, and her father absolutely losing his MIND is just as amazing as she is. Future Amazon, no doubt! (Her, errr, "leadership" got me too.) Oh so funny and satisfying!

lighter:
LOL....Amazon Hops rocking her middle, YES!  You never know what a master if his universe is looking for.  My B wanted to give and serve.....it was a struggle till I released my need to give all the time and relax into happy receiving.

You be you and see what chemistry is there or not there. 
Listen to your middle, Hops!

Lighter

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