Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
C had to reschedule since his D is visiting, so will be here a week later. I don't feel frazzled any more. Calm, but recognize I am guarded. Will see how it goes.
M is getting anxious because I've backed off again. Is emailing me superficial silly things every day which yanks my brain back toward him; good news is that it's not working as well as it used to. He just wrote, have you decided about dinner at my house this week? (Third time he's asked, each time I said don't know yet.) So I replied that I can't come over to his house soon, not without talking about personal and vulnerable feelings I'm working through that are "not his favorite kinds of topics." And to let it settle a few more weeks because it won't always be painful. I think that's the truth.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
I think I'm done with M. Like, really done. No rage or anything, just acceptance. And this wave of detaching won't hurt anywhere near as much as the first grief did.
Despite my having spelled out for him so clearly that being around his family is painful for me, he ignored it. As I mentioned he tried to book my Tgiving with his sister. I said thank you but no, and repeated my reason. (He always goes, of course I understand completely and then proceeds to do whatever he wants anyway. That used to confused me like crazy, until the couples T pointed out the pattern: He says something so courteously acknowledging (Yes of course...) but switches and reframes or ignores immediately thereafter. So whatever I say, if it's contrary to the image he is fixed on of his goal, is like dust.
Anyhow, he just did it again (this time a stepson, lovely man, whom we spent time with at his home in Costa Rica). Sson is coming and M wants me to join them for dinner. Same restaurant as with his son when I first began to feel like an image prop. I re-sent him my simple statement about it being painful. He invites me two more times.
That all built up and reminded me SO clearly of being ignored other times and I realized that it can happen in our "just friendship" too and if I keep on companioning, I'm re-enacting what caused me to break up with him in the first place.
Told him so clearly but kindly and he replied that I'm "too self-absorbed." I'd just had it and exited with as much grace as I could manage.
Instead of sad, I feel mostly calmer, clearer. Looking forward to meeting new people and not recycling this endless stalemate.
I'll believe it when I continue it, but this does feel different.
Snip, snip and SNIP.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
M just can't hold other people's needs in his mind very long, if he manages at all, IMO.
It's like watching a toddler very politely navigate his world, typically garnering praise for his ability with language and polite behavior, but he's still a toddler. He has no real ability to navigate the world consistently/safely/mindfully, bc..... toddler brain.
The lashing out at you... calling you self absorbed really is telling, isn't it?
And...
THE NERVE!
Had to be said and....
POT!
If toddler brain wanted and could handle adult reciprocal relationship...... M would. He just can't and that's his best, I think.
Expectations adjusted successfully, Hops.
Well done.
Lets see what C 's about: )
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Methinks M doth project too much Hops.
Glad you're moving on. ;)
Hopalong:
Thanks, guys. You are beyond kind to me.
Poet friend spit nails but bucked me up too.
It's really going to be okay.
And I figure being a sloooooooooow learner is better than not learning at all.
I am looking forward to meeting C! And guess what, also a writer not far away, and a woodworker! The website is coughing up more interesting oldies!
Hops outta da box! LOL.
love y'all--
Hops
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