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Relationship/s

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Hopalong:
I like that, Amber. Extremely helpful for me to ponder this on many levels and about many circumstances.


--- Quote ---We are designed to work for and create what we want/need. And fight for our selves, too. To create our own safety.
--- End quote ---

Thank you. Mucho.

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
Back to the more fun side of relationships (at least in early days): Men!

Date #2 with Scot yesterday went really well. I'd suggested my favorite open-air (open-sided tent) restaurant which is a combo of good food and relaxed, upretentious atmosphere (often hard to find here). He really liked being there and patted Pooch the whole time.

Talk was easier, and enjoyable (such an interesting life -- he's still consulting with the last big foundation as person in charge of theater grants, so four times/year he's up to his eyebrows in scripts from new playwrights). He still does a bit of foreign relations advising in DC too but I don't know what form or frequency.

But he didn't talk in that pompous way about himself I'm so used to, LOL. He just talked and I did too and he listened pretty well. I said that I have no family "in my life" and he didn't ask further questions, which was a relief. I'll get around to telling him about my D but it's nice to be slower about the gut-spilling. He has two sons (one, with 4 y/o grand-D, lives here w/his family) and one still in the U.K. I think.
I kind of liked it that family was in proportion in his conversation since a lot of people my age I meet talk only about that. He's had a broad and very interesting life and remarkable friends so I think it'd be lovely if it goes further. As of now.

One revelation that I am sitting with is that while I had a beer I noticed he didn't so I just asked (I am direct about stuff but in a kind voice): I see you're not drinking, does that mean you're teetotalling or sober? He said yes and that when his wife of 45 years died suddenly 5 years ago he went completely off the rails and realized within six months that he'd become full-blown alcoholic, went to rehab and joined AA and has been sober for the last 4 and a half years. I just said good for you! We talked about it generally and he seemed quite comfortable owning it. Even mentioned the cultural thing (Scotsmen drink too much in the first place) and he said it was funny but a TV show about a pathologist turned out to be very helpful, made him think more about what the alcohol was doing to his body.

I think he's fought his way back to life after horrific shock and grief he wasn't prepared for. I also brought up how boys are socialized: macho, invulnerable, stoic and he was nodding away, which I found encouraging. Told him my obsessions include culture and how people are formed, inner layers etc.

Afterward he dropped me at my car (his was reassuringly full of dog hair) and said we'll get together again. His emails are about 10 words long and so far he hasn't called, but he's got a stack of scripts to do for his consulting thing.

I'm going to remain mindful of what poet friend said: careful and guarded, but once into you, they're rocks. I kind of hope he WILL become "into" me, but it may be that he's looking for friendship only. I wouldn't turn that down but need to be cautious, as I'm already feeling excitement about him (not just wait-and-see energy, which is the one I need to tap into.)

I need y'all's encouragement to keep my foot calmly on the brakes, pleeeez. But so far so good and I'm pleased about this. Still DEFINITELY need to consider myself in info-gathering and slow and cautious mode. I have no way of knowing whether he's dating others or whatever might be the case, since I haven't asked.

Maybe our next encounter would be a time to ask a little more directly what he's searching for (why he was online). His first message only said: I never thought I'd be looking for anything other than simple companionship now. Interesting, as it left unspoken what he IS looking for.

Me, same old same old. I want it all, the full commitment, enchilda, shared life and even the ceremony. Not saying that's with Scot, way too early, but my overall reason for dating now hasn't changed. (M played unaware but I'd told him explicitly from the get-go. He just wasN't caring enough to weigh his impact on my dream.) Hopefully, the Scot will handle my heart with care and that I will know better than to hand it over too soon.

Happy about this despite the necessity of risk and vulnerability. Me, big girl now.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Eh, sounds like you're doing a good enough job restraining yourself on your own Hops. You like him, he likes you... and it's OK for now, if ya both date some other people. Maybe you could propose a date in his stomping grounds, if it's not too far away?

Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber.
He lives about a mile away and the easy place to meet is downtown or near there.
I'll find out if he'll invite me to something else (he did mention he loves to cook).

I'm just going to wait to hear from him once he climbs out of his plays-reviews pile. Could invite him to my house but for some reason, I'd rather wait until he unpeels a bit himself. I find it intense to invite someone to my home so try to time that.

Basically, since I'm already visibly enthusiastic (or more extroverted), I wanna wait to risk more vulnerability.

I'm okay dating others too but there's no action on the website at the mo'. I have paused actively looking and just wait until somebody's motivated to write me an actual message rather than a click-automated one.

It's all good. Happy to hear you see me as functioning pretty well with it. So far.

:)
Hops

Hopalong:
Sigh.
The Scot wrote me a very ethical and admirable message explaining that I have been the only person he's contacted or seen from the dating site, and he's realized that after his 45-yr happy marriage he's just better off being alone, though he'd like to be friends ("nothing structured").

I thanked him for his honesty and told him only he knows what's best for him. Also, began my reply saying "Oh gosh, I knew I was transparently over-enthusiastic." Told him I've been alone too long and would like that to change but am grateful that he was so honest. And okay, I'll be his friend.

We'll see if he actually responds or offers actual friendship. I'm sad about it but MUCH MUCH prefer an honest, ethical man saying "I'm not able to do this" rather than stringing me alone with fairy tales.

I am sad. This will pass. Back in the saddle.

hugs
Hops

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