Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Twoapenny:
I don't know that it's possible not to feel our feelings, Hopsie? I think people just are a certain way about certain things and I don't think you should give yourself a hard time for feeling excited/hopeful/seeing an end to being alone and so on. I think you'd kind of be stuck when it comes to love if you didn't get butterflies in your tummy over someone and have that little ping of "ooh! This could be good" early on? I think that's the bit that is so intoxicating and exciting and the bit that gets you hooked on someone.
I think you played it the right way. You did gather info, you didn't rush in to build it in to something it isn't, you've had a couple of nice dates and things are friendly, which is good. Personally, I'd not like to see you spend another two years meeting the Scot, lovely though he sounds, for lunches and get togethers, because I don't think you can relegate him to the friend zone - I think you would be hoping he'd change his mind. Which isn't to say I don't think you should never see him again, but I think I would try very hard to meet other people, difficult though I know it is with the Covid situation. Just so it doesn't become another situation of pining and hoping things will change whilst having to put that emotional energy into being friends, when you know you want so much more. It's not quite the same situation, but I pined for a friend for a long time because he wasn't ready for another relationship (his previous one ended badly). And we did lunches and long talks and sat up half the night sharing all our secrets and eventually he was ready for another relationship - with someone else :) And that crossed my mind when I was reading your post as well.
I did wonder if there is anything you can do to make the prospect of a permanent single life more palatable? I just wondered if it's in any way possible to focus on that (which you can control? I guess? If there are certain things you can do that would make that feel better?). Which is not to say forget the idea of meeting someone, far from it, but I just wondered if there was something else you could focus on if it might make it less of a disappointment if a couple of promising dates doesn't become any more than that? I just know with me that I cope better if I can work on things I can control and the things I can't become a bit less prominent in my mind. So with the current situation, for example, I can't control next door, but I've taken as many steps as possible about the things I can control to minimise the effects of what he does. It's still crap, but it has reduced the emotional kick from all of it. I don't know if it would make sense in your situation, or if the being single option just isn't something that can be improved on but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
I think you're doing a grand job and I hope you don't beat yourself up over feeling a bit down that it isn't looking to be anything more just now xx
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp. SUCH wise counsel.
Not giving two years to just-friending, because I'm at risk of pouring too much of myself into it based on dreaming, rather than what is. And isn't. YES. I don't know what limit I'll bump into but if Scot remains so casual that it's clear, I'll act to protect my heart better. I hope.
Continuing to date. (Will do, as possible. Not many opportunities just now.)
Accepting a permanently single life and being happy anyway.
Tall order but I know it's pragmatic. I'm a fierce defender of women embracing independence and finding joy in solitude over staying in miserable relationships. I just don't know that I can ever uproot my core desire for love AND commitment until I'm so feeble it's ridiculous. Two unhappy short marriages and then on my own since 1995....M being the longest exception...rekindled the hope and determination. It was "almost there" with M for a time. So couldn't it be "there!" w/someone new?
I know sanguine, calm older women who've made complete peace with permanent singlehood. I know how likely it is that this is how I'll wind up anyway whether I want to or not. But for now, I can't see that as my goal because honestly, it's not.
I am fairly staggered that at this age, I'm still trying to grow up.
Thank you, Tupp. Your reality anchor, your persistence, are a model for me.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
Amber, thanks for this:
--- Quote ---...this isn't a rejection, OK? It's an admission that he's feeling uncomfortable with his own feelings about what he wants. It's good he respects you enough to be honest about it.
--- End quote ---
I agree with all of this. He's not rejecting, he's being honest and considerate. (Imagine!). I have met so many men ready to use but not to give.
I'm glad you developed LTRs with previous friends. I'm awed. It is absolutely the best outcome. I think you're better at guarding your inner self and/or pacing your outer impulses than I am but it's a discipline I can aspire to get a BIT better at. That's probably it, realistically.
Helping him ... as a just-friend
Restraining my own dreams ... as a just-friend
Helping him gain perspective ... as a just-friend
Tall order. But the right thing to do if I find I avoid becoming a slobbery naked oyster in the meantime. UGH. Who loves being this vulnerable? I do NOT!
hugs and thanks,
Hops
Hopalong:
Beatiful wisdom and great advice, Lighter -- thank you for this:
--- Quote ---Just be a light in his world and keep being your happy self, ((Hops.)). That he's an honest Scot is a good thing, imo.
People like being around folks who make them feel better/good. Remember boundaries and keep seeking joy.
--- End quote ---
It's like these are highway signs. I need glasses for driving, must make an appointment.
I think YOU guys are my signposts, my focus, and are offering me recognition of when to take the lead foot off the accelerator.
Thanks so much,
Hops
Hopalong:
PS Tupp -- That must have hurt SO much. To be an emotional nurse to a man you carried love and hopes about, help him heal emotionally by being so open to his needs and sharing so much time ... and then find out he's all ready to go forth -- to someone else.
I'm sending him a flabby arse-kicking. I'm sorry that happened to you. No wonder you're a romance-realist. I'm taking notes.
hugs
Hops
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