Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
I've been doing a big, reflective "review" of my last (hope that doesn't mean "last" as in "never another") relationship. Because M and I emailed so much and I expressed so much here and in emails to friends, I really have a clearer picture and it's helpful. Very helpful.
I saw something I was startled by, because I hadn't recognized this as part of my behavior to the extent it clearly was. Pleasing, placating, smoothing over, quickly forgiving-on-steroids to the point that I never demanded that a big boundary breach be genuinely owned by him. Probably, and probably unconsciously, I knew on SOME level that if I ever held him actually accountable and expected a mature response around that, it'd be over. I would apologize every time I realized my own comment or behavior had been hurtful or inappropriate. Immediately. Part of my code. But he just couldn't. I think his ego structure is very fragile. I have never felt badly about myself for saying "I was wrong." It's relief. Clears the path to go on. But way way back, the machismo or privilege or power or whatever in his family told him, Never Admit Fault. Never Apologize. I feel badly for the boy taught that. It harmed him.
I also saw in this review how real it was for some time. I really did love M. and buy the whole mythic fantasy he ginned up. (It's amazing that I met someone who's a worse fantasist than I am.) But only I am responsible for buying into it all for so long and letting it become trance behavior of a sort.
I'm the one responsible for allowing us to go on too long and take up more of my life than it should have once the writing was on the wall. It helps now to think of my T's perspective, that when I do see clearly what is real (see instead of glance at), I act. And it's taking me less time than it used to. That's the one step forward.
So that's put to bed. Not without any sadness but not disabling and definitely an important threshold relationship. I'm grateful for many parts of it. Now, I am either passing into a fulfilling future alone or perhaps even with a partner one day. But forward. Forward in time. Not back. Being in my present now is about health, growth and readiness. Really, more genuinely, caring for myself.
More on that in another thread. I hope all of you are doing okay. That Season is creeping up; I'll be holding all of you in my heart.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
What important insights, Hops.
I do believe you'll be available and responsive when new relationships present themselves.
Sorry for short post.... I'm in the weeds, deep.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thank you so much, ((((Lighter))))).
I think a lot of us are "in the weeds" right now.
Either overwhelmed by the present, processing the past, or just distracted and busy as this key season change kicks in during pandemic times. Takes effort and time!
When I feel any anxiety about fallow times on the Board, I remind myself I have resources and can still do productive thinking or reaching out.
It's all good. But I really did appreciate your message today.
big hugs,
Hops
Hopalong:
After relaxing a bit too much this evening, I thought of my T's suggestion that I could always contact the Scot and be a grownup: just say, are we on the same page about friendship? (Since he'd never responded since saying he'd be calling after "at least a week" in NYC for work.)
Hmmm. I wrote this:
I was thinking you're probably back from NYC by now; hope all went well. I was also thinking that saying you would call was a friendly impulse but perhaps not one that really suits you at this point.
Thought I'd honor your offer of friendship by checking in. I expected nothing but enjoyed the idea!
He responded instantly that he'd like to meet me for coffee next week (and NYC never happened, some long story). Hmmmm again.
So I said okay, and if it's cold out I'll invite him here bringing his own coffee, since I just have tea on hand.
Very odd. Don't feel worked up about it one way or another. It's pleasant to realize I haven't thought about him at all for weeks.
So I dunno what sort of meaning this has, if any. I imagine I'll just be calm and see what he talks about. No more drama.
But it's...interesting. Maybe this is the sort of stay-in-neutral-while-being-yourself-and-being-observant kind of thing Lighter and Amber always advise.
I'll give it a try. Nothing to lose.
Hmmmm?
hugs
Hops
Phyll:
Hopalong, I think it is much less scary approaching this as a friendship. I recall you wrote that he quit drinking. That may be a lot of pressure for him to learn how to date again after a long marriage and without the use of a social lubricant. You are being a friend by meeting him where he is at. Coffee or tea and maybe some baked goods to snack on? A card or board game maybe - or share some pics of your recent trip, or books you read? Have a nice visit!
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