Relationship/s

[lighter]

LOl, you knew I'd be sitting at my keyboard so wishing I could send any small comfort, ((Hopsy))

I'm so sad for your brave and creative little child's heart at camp.  So grateful for that attuned camp counselor who saw her/you and responded.

That's such important insight.  Seeing how childhood wounds play out through a lifetime is heartbreaking and such huge relief all mixed up with processing, overcoming and new choices becoming available with astonishing clarity, ime.  Sometimes pounding like a hammer..... it's so apparent.....old patterns seem so wrong.  New choices seem so obvious, ime

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Amber. That was so affirming.
I felt a lot better after reading your response.

I wrote this to M, and felt I was speaking clearly:

It's actually quite painful for me to be around
your family, as very much as I like them...it's emotional
and reminds me of the lost big dream and lost hopes.

Again, no blame; I'm not going there. It has been about
a year and I'm just trying to feel my way into my future as
it appears likely it will be.

It starts in the present and, for me, requires honesty and
openness. Otherwise, true closeness becomes a sham.
We both deserve better than that. Wish we could talk
about deeper things sometimes. But it's okay....your
place in my heart will always be!

Hugs and thanks,
Hops

[Hopalong]

You HAVE sent comfort, Lighter!
And your understanding that the needy little kid was also "creative" really adds strength.

I feel lots better now.

As to new choices being so obvious. You're totally right, in the rational part of things.

I'm working on that! I'm half id, half poet, half lazy daydreamer, half deluded. But my rational half totally agrees with you.

That makes me two and a half...never did like math.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Woo boy, Hops.

:: Hot tear rolls down L cheek::.

There's no room for new connection if we fill ourselves with other connections.  M will be fine. 

You have to be true to yourself.  M won't understand, unfortunately.  It's one reason he's not enough.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thank you.

And thank you!

(And no tears for me, you're feeling enough grief for others at the mo'...I'll be fine!)

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

::offering young Hops mug of 🥦 soup::

I selected a round, lovely blue hand made mug and big round soup spoon for you.

Soup.

 No more tears.
Promise.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Did we establish whether Buck has a brother or cousin that we can organise an introduction with?  Aw, Hopsie, I do get the Covid partner thing and the need for connection, plus the long held dreams of love, being loved, being part of a family and so on.  I do get all of that, really.  But equally I'm still hoping that you meet some lovely bohemian poet or musician or someone like that, someone who looks at what's around him and sees beauty and joy and a sense of connection.  Rather than someone who needs to constantly impress and dominate, however politely or intelligently they do that.  Do they have dating sites for poets?  Or a 'match my Pooch' site, where the dogs get to choose who they hang out with   I'm hoping that he's out there somewhere for you and I hope he gets his bum into gear and shows up soon! xx

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOLOL. Tupp, I love how your mind works.

No, B has the same kind of FOO that we do. There isn't anyone he would vouch for, in the taking care of a relationship realm. He makes no grand claims for himself, either. He is what he is and it's been a struggle to be that. I understand. I don't have lofty expectations. Just simple ones. And he can do that. So, so far.... so good.

(It FEELS however, a lot better than that. There's kinda been a meeting of the minds about "life is what you make it" and since we're both "makers" after a fashion, it works.)

[Hopalong]

Thank you, ((((Tupp)))).
You have such a kind and wise imagination.
I loved this:

someone who looks at what's around him and sees beauty and joy and a sense of connection

That's EXACTLY what I need. So, I wonder what you'd think of the rich powerful former federal prosecutor who's now wooing me (online) and eager to hop on the train and come meet me? He's raving about my use of language, intelligence, and "pretty face" in some pics. I do find him interesting, because I find all sorts of life stories fascinating. That's part of my problem. Fascinating and exciting can rapidly get confused with appropriate. And then I start imagining something working when there's truthfully very little in common. The whole opposites attract thing gets me going in wrong directions in relationships. I need to look for simpler guys with wiser minds and warmer hearts.

Time for me to throw up my hands because rich powerful dominant men seem to like my profile? Oy. My guess is I'll shortly be backing away from another millionaire.

I love your bohemian gentle soul vision for me, and I strongly doubt he's that. But I'm willing to meet, once, and see. It's both hilarious and confusing. Maybe they've all been thrown in my path so I can practice my boundaries. (May need them with him, I sense. I don't want to be wooed like crazy. I want to be known.)

And get this: he's super intelligent, owns a significant business (provides financial intelligence/analysis to the government). And he's from Central America and speaks Spanish (entirely fluent in English).

Some odd overlaps with M, there. Funny. I feel a lot calmer about M since I got some more distance the other day.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It's hard to know the actual value of the contents of a book, by it's cover.

I kinda like your explanation of the kinds of guys being attracted to you; the one about a chance to practice boundaries. But give yourself SOME credit Hops... I think you're doing fine, given all the kinds of feelings (and then the danger of overthinking them) that happens when you're attracted to someone.

If someone had advertised that B could recite Shakespeare by memory, or speak Latin and several other languages - and have an excellent grasp of history, flora & fauna... well. That doesn't fit his "cover" at all.

I usually try to read the whole book, before giving a review. But there HAVE been some that I got a few chapters in and threw across the room because it was such dreck, executed poorly.

Maybe the analogy fits?

[Hopalong]

It totally fits, Amber.
I'm shakily deciding how I feel about stepping into the library.

I'd feel better in the children's section at the moment,
with the Caldecotts and Newberries.

I never knew there could be something such as TOO smart.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I totally get it Hops. But dating isn't commitment, and you can always put that book back on the shelf. No harm, no foul. And I don't think it would be too forward (or risky) if there are a few more dates after the first meet - to just put your wishes for a warm, caring simple partnership on the table.

I wouldn't be impressed if a guy presented all his material accomplishments & toys to me, in curriculae vitae fashion and was a single billionaire... unless there was a warm, open, and easy to talk to man under it all (ie, he listens to me as much as he talks). I think I got the anti-materialism bug before I was 21. Other stuff matters waaaaaaaayyyyyyy more to me.

And even during the first meeting, it's a good idea to check in with yourself (powder your nose??) and get a take on how you FEEL around him. If there's an attraction, move on to whether it's his looks or personality - or little things he does to put you at ease. It would get my attention, if he didn't talk much about why you should fall at his feet helpless within proximity of his magnificence - and instead let you talk first. Watch how he watches you; IF he watches you. Does he make direct eye contact? Does he interrupt with sensitive, related questions or does he simply make a comment?

I'm not saying guys who fit that profile are all Ns, or as insecure emotionally as little boys... I'd dearly love to hope that some guys in that income class are actually real people, with real depth. But my expectations aren't great, in the odds department. Personally, just from a merely practical point of view, I wish you'd look for retired contractors or highly skilled tradesmen who are ALSO compatible with life outlooks and educated. I think there are more of those who've learned the life lessons required to grow emotionally.

But I might have a bias that's sticking out from under my skirt.....  LOLOLOLOL.

[lighter]

What Amber said.

Yup yup yup.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

VERY helpful comments, Amber.
Thank you so much for this.

Yes. There are specific, nearly mechanical-emotional, things I can do in the present to check in on what's happening and continue using reason. Thanks for reminding me that I can:

Pause (in the ladies room if need be) to ask myself...
--what questions is he asking me?
--are we sharing time relatively equally?
--is it a struggle to get a chance to share?
--does he talk mostly about power and money subjects?
--what does he say about relationships, what he wants on a real level?
--does he seem mostly focused on sex or physicality?
--is he wedded to staying where he lives? (The Watergate) Would dual places work?
--is he looking for new experiences and perspectives, or a partner to continue what he is most familiar with? (power circles, big money, geopolitical finance)
--does he seem reflective about who he is personally, inner growth, any sort of insight and inner maturation?
--would his expectations of a partner include a lot of "show" socializing, with elegant dress and power-broker socializing?
--does he have a homey side?
--will he yield fully to the reality that my dog is the cutest and bow before her desire for belly rubs?

Aha. I'm ready now.

hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well no-one could resist Pooch, Hopsie, so that one will be a given

Yes to everything Skep said.  T has been talking to me about values, knowing what my values are and then seeking/expecting those from other people (I have yet to put this into practise).  Maybe that's something to keep in mind?

There are always exceptions to the rule but in my humble experience people aren't usually rich, powerful, caring and sensitive.  I'm not suggesting that anyone wealthy can only be unkind, or that people on low incomes always have loving hearts, but I do think that the cut and thrust needed to achieve power and wealth in this crazy world we live in is generally only available to certain kinds of personalities.  I don't think gentle, bohemian "let's watch the clouds drift by" kind of people tend to chase power and wealth.  I'm also mindful of Lighter's mum telling her "you're not an apple waiting to be picked" (just because you mention him wooing you - are you contacting people or do they contact you?).  Maybe ask him about stuff that matters to you personally - who's his favourite poet?  Or artist or journalist or musician?  But you know, something that means something to you.  Maybe tell him about your poem that you won the prize for and see how he responds to that?  Particularly if poetry isn't something he's into - is he interested enough to want to know more, or does he say 'well done' and then immediately tell you about the award he got for the big contract blah blah blah? 

I do think you should mention to him that you have a friend in the UK who will come over and kick his arse if he causes you any problems as well   Lol.  I do think you need some shared interests to be happy with someone long term, even if it's just politics or being avid news listeners or something.  I agree with Skep very much about seeing how you feel - do you feel good or does he make you feel anxious, restless, hurried etc - consciously or not.  I add the caveat that I've not had so much as a date in ten years but other people's lives are always easier to deal with   I hope it's a fun date, whatever happens, and we want to hear all about it xx