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Meandering

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Meh:
So if I was the ignored type instead of the not-good-enough type... does this mean that I have been ignoring myself. That I need to pay more attention to myself. Or am I already totally self absorbed. Or am I self absorbed and not paying attention to myself. Or not absorbed enough, not giving enough energy to my own problems. Probably not giving enough energy to my own problems.

The idea that I am still NOT individuated at this point is shocking? It would mean I've got like the emotionality of a 2 year old. But  I'm closer to needing depends and poise pads for adults than I am freaking diapers. I mean I have to scarcastic laugh at this and think a lot of F words to myself.

Listening to a song, wondering what was wrong with Van Morrison after reading the description of the book on Amazon. Book:
"Can You Feel the Silence?: Van Morrison: A New Biography". Apparently he was a troubled musician.


Maybe I don't hate this book about N mothers. This is the thing, I thought that I worked through as much as I possibly could a very long time ago, I got burnt out on it. So I kinda understood it. Coming back to it though I've not really worked through it I guess. maybe a lot of frustration is having to come back to something over and over but also there is misleading info out there. The "Feeling Good" book more or less was a prescription for ignoring anything that wasn't "good or happy" and that just doesn't work. It's ridiculous. More than anything I think the so called bad feelings are the key. they ar there for a reason cuz essentially the book could say "you maybe have a PD & are not individuated that = brain defect"  if a person just believes they have a brain defect they will take pills and not look below.

Meh:
Tired today. Was laying in bed with my eyes open
I'm done this morning pretty early so when I was hanging and banging Neighbors. I'm still working through the book. definitely one of the underlining I guess it's fears that I have is being alone. What was my food I am alone anyways. in this book their stories of other people who basically feel like they get logged back into a habit with f o o. Lulled. Not logged. I'm just going to talk randomly hair cuz I'm exercising and I'm not really focused. Here. One of the interesting and strong trends that talked about in the book is Mother and Envy their daughters

Meh:
 so I never really noticed my mother acting like she envied me in any way at all and I kind of doubt it it was sort of not an overtly displayed thingbut in the books there's a list of the things that the mother is commonly Envy their daughters for. When I look at the list I say to myself what gosh I don't have any of those things. Which is kind of interesting in itself. I mean I hate to make it seem like it's more meaningful than it is but what if it is Meaningful. I don't think she's envious she's definitely the opposite of generous I maybe that is tied into that Behavior of withholding. I do Wonder when I should just stop looking at all the Dynamics but you can't help it to think about new things while you're reading and reconsider Behavior s. Using electronic dictation. wish I was sitting next to a river but have a little hard time getting out of the city sometimes. sometimes when I'm really focusing on something and kind of deep into the crazy thought of it all sometimes I feel like something is Shifting you know like my perspective or something. But it's not always permanent. I have a hard time getting to the right kind of mental state sometimes to focus on something I guess it could be for varying reasons. I guess I'm wondering if there is one particular type of mental state one has to be in for all this so-called processing tour 2 work. And it makes me wonder if I'm in a daze the rest of the time. Life is so busy I frequently feel like I'm supposed to be doing something else. Paperwork researching classes. I found a Shady Tree to sit under.

Meh:
And sometimes I wonder I'm actually processing something or am I just psyching myself into believing that something has shifted.

Meh:
If one isn't slowing down to purposefully so down for reason and if one also isn't taking action got in between space can definitely feel like Zombieland. maybe I just have to go for it and some aspect decide to move forward in my life but give it consideration so it doesn't seem like some big risk I don't know whoever made up that advice about taking risks. Sometimes you want change and you just don't know where to start. I mean if I can actually say a foo has impacted all aspects of my life and I can say we weren't given much of a map. I guess I should say I wasn't given much of a map. or maybe the map I was given didn't make any sense at all. IDK

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