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Meandering
Hopalong:
What would be three to six real-life changes you'd like to make, G?
Of those, which seems somewhat possible? Even with some help?
Could you start with that?
Hugs
Hops
Meh:
Not sure yet Hops. Going to read through the end. Maybe come up with some changes or at least think about it.
Meh:
Pg 156-157.... Bring up the idea about mother's having envy for their daughters and projecting self-loathing. I'm wondering if either my N mother didn't do these things or if she did but I didn't realize. Considering my mother was more lacking in regard as opposed to being over involved. Part of the breaking the Orbit. It's still very difficult to pinpoint this even if I settle my mind on it. My mother fills many of the check boxes for NPD so I don't even doubt that anymore. I do sometimes wonder if I'm either making a bigger deal out of it than I should or if I'm minimizing it. There is something there obviously or else I wouldn't be here. I also feel a little embarassed to point so much towards my mother. It really seems that as adults it's a childish thing to do. But I'm just going through this book. My mother didn't really do "specific comments, criticisms, and judgements" at least I didn't hear verbal ones very often. I mean she has randomly come out of the blue and made comments "bitch, miserable". But she keeps them kinda locked down most of the time, they just are disparaging and they come out at random.
Pg 160 ...."self acitivation and assertion".. I'm probably lacking here. Maybe it's for different reasons though maying it's not resulting from N-FOO emotional baggage.
"The ability to soothe painful feelings... comfort self, not wallow in misery, and FIND SOLUTIONS". Again not sure if I'm really messing up on this one.
I feel defeated and uninspired. I feel like life extracts a lot, effort or hardwork with not enough reward. Work at something and get by.
Pg 164 "The internal mother"... this part is really not resonating with me, seems forced, mumbo jumbo, fake. Difficult. Immature, silly. The instructions are to write a list of so called "positive" attributes. I'm pretty sure I've done this before and look how effective it was. It's a weak exercise. Basically affirmations.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-positive-affirmations-dont-work/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/embodied-wellness/201704/affirm-or-not-affirm
I googled why affirmations don't work. I guess I'm not the only person who doesn't like them. It just seems like a very weak tool against a deep and convoluted issue. It's horrible because telling someone to do affirmations is no different than saying "Just be more positive". It's almost a platitude.
I will find chocolate in my cabinet. Will I find chocolate in my cabinet. There is chocolate in my cabinet.
The only things in there is what I have put in there.
Well I agree with reviewers that say the book is more about validation not really useful as a healing tool.
The struggle is real.
There is a social group in the city near me children of Ns. There are about 500 members. It's not as if there is a lack of seekers.
After all of this I don't know if I'm suffering an impact and FOO N IS affecting every aspect of my adult life.
Meh:
Some therapists seems to be saying we are inhibiting our personal growth by going no contact.
Why can't people continue to grow on their own apart from their crazy family that caused them so much confusion and anguish in the first place.
For F sake, I am kinda tired of the topic in general. Tired of hearing the N word over and over. Therapy Jargon etc. I just want to do something for myself, whatever I need i want to find it and do it and MOVE ON.
I'm afraid of spending too much time on the topic of FOO related stuff I'm also afraid of getting any older before I deal with it. If there is actually something still impacting me. I honestly don't know what to do.
I'm kind of disgusted by the AMOUNT OF TIME I have thought about this stuff. Feel like it's a waste. It's not fun, seems crazy on all levels. I and up just feeling more confused and feel like there is an ever increasing about of things that are wrong with me. Why is this a topic that only gets more and more complicated. I don't even feel like I have to understand every nuance of it. I'm NOT a researcher.
THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT/LEARN ABOUT IT THE MORE I FEEL LIKE IT DEFINES ME. I don't want to be defined by my FOO.
Easier to describe a problem than to FIX a problem. Almost anybody can describe an issue, it's harder to explain it, it's hardest to actually fix it.
lighter:
Boat:
Like Doc G says in his book.... we look for a Therapist who can attune to us. Some are good, and some aren't... for us. Some are just harmful individuals, and shouldn't be in practice at all, IME.
I guess I'm saying that you might find a Therapist who clicks with you. I like my new psychotherapist with a Buddhist leaning. She explained..... I can't think my way through my issues, which is what I was doing. I recognize it in your posts... you're trying to wrap your mind around your questions, find answers, and make sense.
My T would say this is the Top Down approach... using your brain to think your way out. You're smart so you identify the questions, and possible answers, but then you're back IN that time, and place, experiencing it like you're there. The brain can't tell the difference between BEING somewhere, and thinking about it. When we dream, we're THERE. When we think about something, we're there. The brain reacts, and the amygdala shuts down access to our higher thinking... the limbic system kicks in. That's our default, and I had to find a way around that.
My T says these things have to be approached "bottom up"... we can't think our way out of it.
We've tried and tried. If we engage the parasympathetic nervous system, and keep the fight/flight response from kicking in, through breathing exercises, allow our brain to finish the work it wants to do. I've been really happy with the results so far... been seeing her about a month.
If it helps to hear my T walk me through what I've read about, and failed at, IME. Our brain is very efficient at filing information where it needs to go. Sometimes, when we're ready, we provide the opportunity, and the brain does what it needs to do. It happens in a moment, and it's done for good. The emotional charge is gone, and we're free to think about it without being triggered, which is our default setting very often.
It takes a little while to build new default settings... 30 - 60 days. We aren't going to get there by repeating what we've always done, IME.
We cultivate today, what we want for tomorrow. I want less anxiety, and more feeling calm, and at home in my body. I cultivate brain pathways that bring me more calm, and I'll do it till the new pathways are as strong as the old pathways. I gotta tell ya, sometimes doing this brings anxiety, bc my comfort zone is now feeling anxious.... PAT... pleasure affect tolerance.... learning to feel OK with feeling OK. Sometimes we aren't aware how comfortable the stress, and anxiety IS in our lives, IME. EMDR is helping, and I can't explain it, but I'm all for feeling better, Boat.
I resonated with your posts. All the research, reading, teasing out facts, and solutions, then finding they aren't helping the way we hoped. The frustration.... judging ourselves, reading more books... I spent a lot of time researching Trauma, and the latest treatments, why they worked, and I just kept missing the connection for myself. Patients found ways to reframe their traumatic events, they found ways to feel empowered, but that wasn't working for me. Why was it worling for them? I think having someone walk us through, who knows how to overcome resistence, and blocks, has been revelation for me, and there have been many Ts that couldn't do that.
You're smart, you're ready to feel better, and resolve things for yourself. I hope you find a way to be super kind, and nurture yourself through this. No judgements at all. Just notice what's there, for yourself, and let it inform you. Let it roll through, and show you what's beneath it.
I like the Kardia app, bc it helps me stay focused on my breathing. It's not easy for me. That blue dot keeps me focused, and I like the sound, and chimes.
Your mom is broken, and she can't do better. If she could, she would. She can't. You deserved better, Boat. You can give yourself the care you deserve.
Lighter
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