Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Meandering
sKePTiKal:
About the inner mom thing, G...
My mothering style is 180 degrees and world's apart from what I experienced from my mom. Even Amy says now, I was a good mom - even though things were often difficult for us; and she seems determined to make them even worse. My mom couldn't take care of a gerbil properly.
I drift in/out of spaces where my need and longing to have someone "take care of me" ramps up to nuclear. So much so, it hurts. Thru establishing some self-care rituals, I discovered that was one way I could "mother" myself. Certain things that filled that hole of need; helped me feel safe, important (to me), and loved.
I don't always need this to an extreme degree. Sometimes it's a just teeny little thing that takes no time to remind me. Other times, I'm just ready to collapse, give up, be a totally non-functional human while someone ELSE does the things that have to be done. That doesn't work out well, when you're all alone like I've been the past few years. LOL. Then I'd get disgusted and angry at myself - providing the energy to at least START on the things I knew I really needed to do. But all that does is reinforce the OLD patterns that don't work out that well for me. It's better if I take my time-out to take care of myself and let that work it's healing - THEN, try again.
I kind of made up a whole fictional character for who my "inner mom" is. But she doesn't really have a face or voice yet; a certain touch. So, she's still a work in progress. I'm building her from the inside out.
Meh:
Tired. Yesterday met friend at art event. So tired when I got home went to bed early woke up having a nightmare 4 hours later (nightmares seem to be going round). So surfed offerings at community college websites. The one closest to me has a mid August deadline for certain programs, that adds some pressure to move fast, I can almost feel panic in my chest lol. It's always something. We only got the training eligibility letter in the past two weeks but I should have taken in seriously the instant it arrived.
Just wish I had this opportunity sooner in life. So much time has gone by. I physically feel old. Part of me just wants to enjoy life and not strive. I keep on coming back to feeling it's just too late. We don't live forever, can't work forever.
I'm trying to figure out how wearing the commute will be. If it's midday I might be able to deal with it. I don't want late night commutes on the bus in bad weather. On-line versus in person.
Next week I guess I will find out HOW MUCH school they will actually cover. Two quarters, One year, Two years probably not. There are few one year programs which I think would be a nice length, not too short to be pointless, not too long. There are some certificates that appear to be about one year.
Waking up & made coffee. There are two programs that I would have been thrilled to do when I was younger. There is a sustainability program with a specific deadline. There is a horticulture program with continuous enrollment. They are both so specific though. I'm leaning towards the business programs instead one of which theoretically is 100% online they seem like they have more general uses.
I've got quite a few credits earned from way back, if they don't expire maybe I can find a technical course that contains some of the credits I still need to turn it into a degree. Though I don't want to get too hopeful. It's all not as hard as I make it out to be in my head. I need to talk to advisors. See if there is anyway at all I can kill two birds with one stone.
Well I have emailed worker retraining advisors at the two closest schools I think might work for me. Just noticed that the school close to me does have some kind of exercise facility. Probably not very large. But still might be nice. The fee for it is mandatory for all the students it looks like. Truth is if it's all paid for and there's minimal cost to me then there's almost no reason for me not to do it. I don't have health insurance coverage right now that always seems to be some kind of motivation for employment but when it came down to it my health insurance only paid $20 of a $500 medical visit. So maybe I'm not missing out on that either. I hope this works out I think it's sinking in that I might really be able to do it and there's no reason not to.
Meh:
well I told myself I don't want to waste a lot of time in the employment office but I also have to go through them to get all the training approved I have to remind myself that the point of these meetings is to take the next action step and not get stuck and I have to figure it out and move on. I have to advising appointment I'm going to have orientation and workshops I have to take Sol only day off I really have this week is Friday. Two different School advising appointments this week. I just need to navigate the process as efficiently as possible and effectively. and if I get confused or overwhelmed I guess I can just tell the people who facilitate these programs cuz it's their job so let us know what our deadlines are and what paperwork we have to send in to who and where. And I need to stay quiet and nice in general not voice any frustrations or opinions.lol. I guess I probably need to communicate to them more than once just reconfirming exactly what they need from me.
lighter:
You're focused, Boat. That's great.
I learned a quick and dirty breathing technique today called tactical breathing. It's used by military and law enforcement.
breath in 4 seconds
hold it 4 seconds
breath out 4 seconds.
Do it 3 or 4 times when you feel stress pop up. It's supposed to tap into the polyvagal system directly. I'm
Good luck,
Lighter
Meh:
That's pretty funny about the Tactical breathing it's always good to be reminded to do it. I guess the military doesn't want to use the word yoga breathing or zen breathing too peaceful.
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