Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Meandering
Twoapenny:
Oh G, I identify so much with everything you wrote there! I'm endlessly baffled by the way we've got ourselves into a situation (as a society) where so many people are forced to do work they hate, that makes them ill, that leaves them too tired and fed up to follow their dreams or passions or hobbies - and only just pays enough to cover bills and pay for a coffee at the weekend. I find it endlessly frustrating - and find it a difficult situation to get out of. And yes, the work/training things. I did a few when my son was younger, thinking it was just good to put a few more things on my CV. Very basic and aimed at people who really didn't have much in the way of skills or qualifications. They didn't seem to be pitched at doing more than shifting people from the dole into a job that paid marginally more. It always felt to me like there's a lack of ambition or desire to help people to do their best - it's more a feeling of "that will do". I find it soul destroying.
I hope at least they finish doing the work at your place soon - very frustrating to not even be able to put your feet up at home. And I wish I had some suggestions of a lovely job for you to get into that would reward you without impairing your health. I get the aches and pains that you describe and yes, I'd find it difficult to do any kind of job that required one position throughout the day, be it standing up or sitting down. It's an odd world we live in. I often think that we have. globally, the capacity for everyone to have their basic needs met - food, shelter, water, safety, companionship. Yet so many people don't have those things and it does seem to me because of choices that are made at a level we have little control over. Humans are a funny species. I'm glad you had a nice time with your former co-workers, though. And I hope things start to improve for you soon xx
Meh:
:) Thanks Two. It's nice to be among folks who understand.
When I wrote that I really felt like I was making a childish rant. Now when I read it over again it does make sense to me. I'm tired of people saying "Don't be negative" "Negative is bad". It's really just a judgement people are putting on others when they don't like what they are hearing. Sometimes life is really hard to face. There really is a lot of dissappointment. Usually I have been dealing with life by going through motions. Waking up, eatting, throwing on the same outfit almost everyday out of ease and comfort. Making the same commute. Looking at the same strip mall and residental views. I have been surviving and I am also deeply unsatisfied.
To be honest with myself I have lost. If life was a game or a battle I have definitely lost it. I'm tired. It's hard to have any dreams at the age of 40. Thinking about school and education actually makes me incredibly angry. I think it's because I was never a bad student but the stresses of paying for life always interferred with and desire I had to go to school.
I just gave up on it and I cynically identified with the term "white trash". It's just ownership of reality. I don't even see the term as negative.
On the other hand I also resent the idea of spending so much energy/money at this stage in my life in just trying to be slightly competitive. Should I really spend thousands of dollars on trying to get new skills when I may only have 10-20 more years that I can stand to do the "workforce".
Yesterday at our ladies day out one of my coworkers said she already found a new job which she hasn't started quite yet. I already found the advert for it online and I knew what she was talking about. I read employee reviews of it, same crap we have been doing a very low level customer service gig. And it pays less. Some insurance business lol. She knows nothing about insurance by the way. These job sites are a revolving door because they don't pay people well, don't treat them well, don't train them too much. I think customer service is meant to make everybody miserable. It's almost like it's meant to punish customers for needing help. HAHA
So today should be my vacation day and I had to wake up early because there is a 3 hours window in which someone may or may not come to look at the defective washing mashine in my unit. It's brand new less than a year old. The person hasn't shown up yet, it's only a preliminary check, it's not a freaking repair visit unfortunately. So two hours later still nobody has come. I wanted them to come and go so I can use my space without being invaded.
I want to do my messy hobbies. I want peace and quiet. It's totally not happening.
Meh:
So I had a pattern that I painted the outline of on a canvas, it took so long to come up with the design that I didn't want to complete the painting in case I might screw it up. So I decided to make multiple doodle iterations of it. I got tracing paper and graphite paper so I could copy my own design a few times over onto small canvasses. This way I figured I wouldn't be so worried about messing anything up. Well the process of doing the copies is a little more tedious than I thought it would be. I guess I will work on that a bit. I'm tired I just want to go back to sleep. I could have f'ing slept in.
Twoapenny:
G, I started a whole thread on here a little while ago (Embracing The Dark Side) that was all about embracing the negativity and not seeing it as a bad thing or something we shouldn't allow. I'm a proactive and resourceful person and I tend to look for solutions to problems. I'm aware I am luckier than some - I have a roof over my head, access to clean water, food, heat - basic things that many people don't have. But - I think life does deal some people a bad hand and I feel the same way that you do - I'm mid 40s, I've worked since I was thirteen and I'm essentially a decent person - but here I am, skint, lonely, battling through my various issues that seem to just keep coming! So yes, sometimes it does get overwhelming and it just isn't possible to draw up the energy to be positive or look on the bright side - because sometimes the bright side just isn't that bright and I feel like I'm lying to myself if I pretend it is. And that's alright. I think it's okay to feel crappy about a crappy situation. We can still want it to change and do things to try to change it whilst still feeling crappy about it being crappy :) The disappointment that life isn't better is hard to deal with, I find, particularly as we get older and start to feel that we may have fewer opportunities - I find that hard to ignore sometimes. So I do get what you're saying. I'm glad you got a canvas out and got started on something, though. And I hope the repair people got there eventually - waiting in for people when you don't know when they're coming is really annoying xx
Meh:
Had this idea that if I had any time off which I do now I would finally (FINALLY!! Emphasized) have a chance at a flurry of creativity. I used to get flashes of creativity, I still get them every once in a while. They aren't on-demand. They operate on their own schedules. I often don't act on them anymore because sometimes it's when I am on my way to work. Sometimes I'm not at home and in the wrong place.
This is what I am thinking about at the moment. Finishing these canvases is just another chore it feels like.
Maybe tomorrow. Who knows.
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