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Meandering
Hopalong:
I think you were compassionate to your mother, and allowed your heart to be touched by her unusual vulnerability and grief. And you gave her a perfect suggestion (the walk in the sun) and it did help her.
That's just a human exchange of human kindness. I think you get to feel good about that.
And at the same time you also get to feel good about your clear and important understanding of PDs and narcissism, and how "abandon hope scripts" is the most self-loving thing a child of Ns can learn to do.
So not dreaming of fixing it all, or re-entering the family circle closer than the distance you've established for your own sanity....that's responsible and self-loving too.
While you've still had an unexpected grace moment with your mother.
Both can be real. Both can be right.
I think you done GOOD.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Garbonzo:
We try to have the relationships we want to have with our loved ones, then see if we can accept the relationships they allow us to have.
You've been present, and caring, and worried about your FOO, and they've been what they've always been.... and likely always will be.
You can accept them as they are, withdraw with love, or harbor anger, and regret, but you can't control your FOO. You have to decide what's best for you, and honor yourself first.
Your FOO can't do any better, or they would have. They're broken.
It seems you have hope things will change. That's a very painful place to live, IME. Not that things can't change, it's just unlikely.
You deserve reciprocal relationships, Boat.
Twoapenny:
Hi Garbanzo :)
I'm sorry to read about your gran passing, and sorry that it's brought up so much family stuff again. I think people dying really brings out all sorts of weird feelings and family dynamics and when you're in a situation where you've tried to keep your distance (for the sake of your sanity!) it can be really hard to know what to do, how to behave, where to be and so on.
For what it's worth, I tend to keep to myself where family are concerned now. I don't go to funerals. I do my own little saying goodbye ceremony at home (if I feel I want to) and try to do something nice for someone in need (who might appreciate the gesture rather than using it against me). And in terms of trying to help people see who they are (with reference to your mum and the whole narcissism thing) I tend to hold off unless someone asks. I've got friends who I know actively work on themselves and are open to looking into things and I wouldn't have a problem recommending a book or some kind of helpful thing to them but when it comes to family I leave them to their own things. I had something funny with my sister, who got in touch after many years of us not speaking. Initially I was excited because I thought we could have a good relationship but I realised that she wasn't really interested in changing the situation - she enjoys the drama and likes being able to moan about people without doing anything to change the situation. Which isn't how I like to do things so I kind of left it. Only explaining the way I've experienced it in case it helps in some way. I think you should always take best care of yourself first. So I hope you are able to find a way through it all and I hope you can carry on posting - I've missed you being here.
Love, Tupp xx
sKePTiKal:
Hi Garbanzo!
I really liked your comment about how even bad relationships can be really STRONG. Makes absolute sense to me. You sound very much more centered in your SELF, in the interaction with your mom, too. To me, at least.
Meh:
On bus going to work. On phone. Funeral is today, this is probably best for me.
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