Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Meandering

<< < (12/45) > >>

Meh:
Visited my mother recently. On a daily basis she looks forward to drinking wine in the afternoon. It's probably not alcoholic quantities by definition, however I don't pay attention to how much she is drinking. I just heard her telling her husband to bring her the whole bottle. I also notice it's a real important item on her shopping list. I'm just writing it out for no reason. It's definitely a real consistent part of her daily routine.

We also very rarely have 2-way conversations. It's more like she is a random commentator. I bore her. I see her engage with so many strangers in her neighborhood. I totally bore her to death, she has about a 2-3 minute max focus ability on anything that is of import to me personally.

I feel pretty bland writing about her.

Earlier today I had a memory of when we were at my aunt's house for some reason holiday or something. I was a teenager had a really bad cold and I had told my mother I needed some cold medicine. My aunt told my mother to ignore me (and she did) and that I should walk to a store and get it myself. A store not being even within 15 or 20 blocks maybe, I don't know as I didn't live in that neighborhood. My aunt eventually got a kid and there is no way she would have ever said something like that to her daughter if she was sick.

It was a long time ago and it doesn't matter now. Maybe I just NEED to remind me of how false my relationship is with my mother. If a memory pops into my head from years ago my brain has tucked that away and is now showing it to me again.

My grandmother's husband is now having health problems and even though my mother and aunt are SO engaged with all of that I am SO distant emotionally from everybody.

I don't care too much about him at all. The times we have talked were very few. It's weird all this aging. It's also not too meaningful to me that he is sick.

My mother really seems to think I am going to help her when she gets too old. So now I get to feel like a piece of shit if I don't.

Can't I just erase this dumb chalk board.

Sometimes one thinks of just moving away. To where I don't know.

Basically I know that both of my parents are aging. I don't like them. They don't give an F about me. I don't have my life together, I just do one crap job after the next crap job that pays for rentals.

Sorry not trying to be dark. I do tend to come here and just unburden myself with whatever is kind of hiding in the shadows of my mind.

The only way I can win is if I get lucky and maybe enjoy life a bit I don't know.

The thing that hits me is that I believe my parents have expectations of me helping them. I KNOW nobody will help me as I age.

Sometimes I think I am doing more harm to myself by maintaining a relationship with my mother than if I didn't. It's as if I really need to "grow up" and go do more with my life, I feel that judgement coming down.

I don't want to think about all this. The thing of the matter is my mother's younger siblings are both millionaires. They could help her if they wanted to and if they were not so messed up in the head themselves.

Isn't that my way out?  My mother and my aunt are closer than I have ever been to my mother. My aunt can purchase a baby sitter for my mother when the time comes.... ??

Very weird thoughts. Writing this has made me feel really unhappy. LOL Okay well I should read my book or something.

I don't need advice or anything I just have to get it off my chest I guess.

Should I be asking myself what am I getting out of this relationship?

Am I getting some weird undefined primal reassurance. Yeah I think it's just a feeling of false reassurance. Probably most adults don't need reassurance from their parents because they actually got it when they needed it. IDK

I do feel really horrible about my parents suffering or having a hard time but I've got some kind of emotional messed up conflict. Didn't I suffer, didn't they kind of screw me over in life. They were not thoughtful parents. They just behaved however they felt they wanted to.

I guess I am really asking myself is okay to abandon my parents if/when they need me. When my needs were barely met growing up. If everything had been okay why would I come here writing confusing things trying to work something out.

The fake relationship with my mother sometimes confuses me i think. I have to remember that she basically was pissed off at my brother because she thought she had to pay cremation fees. That really is who she is.

Meh:
I'm kinda wondering what do I like to do? Because in the past 10 years I don't think I have really picked up any new hobbies or interests. I think I started to enjoy reading more than I did in the past.

In the past I liked art of all sorts, I taught myself to knit and I liked that. In the past I liked to cook new recipes, I liked to hike and travel.

Maybe energetically I am winding down in life because reading is pretty low energy. There is also minimal investment of travel and money with reading, it's not clogging up my space with unused crafty components.

There used to be things that I just really really wanted to do, who knows why.

Summer is upon us and even though it stresses me out closing the curtains (because of all the kids outside) laying on the sofa reading is what I am most likely to end up doing. It's kind of like I'm shut down and in denial or something.

Meh:
Knitting with cold hands, mailed important paperwork, watching:  "The Real Causes of Depression | Johann Hari" I like some of his quotes like "your pain makes sense".

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hfl3Yh7fS4g&t=164s

okay I am not sure why he can't stop talking about Trump, he puts a lot of politics in there which kinda distracts

sKePTiKal:
G, I've been a pretty compulsive reader for most of my life. It's served different emotional purposes for me. I started to read, very very young.

Lots of children's Bible stories, adventure books - The Black Stallion series was one of my favs. Back then, I think I was reading to learn about life. OTHER kinds of life, than the one I was experiencing at home with my crazy family. I wanted to know what other kinds of people liked, did, how they lived - so that I could choose to do something different from what I seemed fated to experience in those first 12 years of life.

I was already thinking about spiritual matters, psychology, religion, political theories etc. Reading Shakespeare - complete works front to back, including the sonnets early in HS. Tolkein. Sci-Fi classics. I was already convinced that LIFE DIDN'T NEED TO BE THAT WAY and that people could choose to change how they interacted with life. And it provided me a huge escape - identifying with different characters, and reading how they thought, felt, and acted in response to the challenges they faced. I tried all those on, like different persona "outfits". Over time, I know I've kept some - and discarded lots of others.

When I was really bored with being me, and tired of beating my head on the same old brick wall of problems... I read. When I just didn't have the energy to tackle facing what I was confronted by - I read. I let myself enter the world of the book, which might be why I've gravitated toward long series like Outlander and Song of Ice & Fire. Sagas. There was continuity in the stories; the characters were reliably predictable in their personalities, their character, and abilities. And when they overcame a big challenge or acted outside of their "normal character"... it was the most interesting part of the story for me.

Reading was how I educated myself on how to become a whole person. It filled that hole of not having a parent mirror who I was, somewhat. I learned about strange exotic dangerous and very very balanced and well-grounded people... through stories, rather than non-fiction self-help books. While with Mike, my reading fell off. For years, I didn't even read a whole book. And it was the first thing I returned to, along with many many film options that I didn't have a chance to indulge in due to him being the master of the remote. LOL.

I just watched an interesting (lesser known) movie last night, with a super cast. "Get Low" - Robert Duvall is the lead, Bill Murray is a funeral director, and Sissy Spacek figures in it as a pivotal relationship in the hermit's life and story. The reviews say the ending is anti-climatic, but honestly, for those of us who had a story to tell about their lives that they kept secret so long... the ending is spectacular. The way the story of this hermit's secret is told is pretty well done and the acting, with this cast? Is over the top good. It's just a simple story but the supporting details of the visual and plot "telling" is pretty well done too.

Have you tried writing? Maybe you'd have better luck at it than I do. I can babble like this, just fine... but can't tell a story for crap. I can't even tell jokes properly. Never had the knack. It might be fun to try it just for you. Doesn't have to be YOUR story; just make up people and events and locations.

Meh:
Drinking sludge dust coffee. Watching DIY videos. I like them DIY. I won't do a home DIY because I always feel an impending move coming on.

On my "TV" binge. Was listening to an interview while knitting. A comment made was essentially about how a person who doesn't like their job, gets up commutes comes home to a home they don't really want to come home to and does it over and over again is basically "burning daylight".

Burning Daylight, I mean is this real, is it derogatory.

Maybe it's not important if it's derogatory or a judgment.

It catches in my mind because sometimes I do feel like I am burning daylight. Then again it's one of those therapy statements not to compare oneself to others.

Whats wrong with burning daylight. I almost think if someone is making a lot of money, owns a lot of toys that could justify "burning daylight". Whats the point of anybodies time.

This is a pointless inquiry.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page