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Boundaries

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Bettyanne:
My entire life with my NM....ended at age 69....yes all those years.....she took advantage of me.....I was such a fool...but was I??
I was trained from birth she was in charge...of everything....my dad never spoke up for himself....never ever said No to her....she was a real Narcissistic person with a bit of Borderline thrown in!!!!
My husband and I did things we got caught up in with her.....doing things for her and taking our time away from ourselves and our children.
We drove her with six kids to and from a shrine on the weekends because she needed to go there and raise money for this Catholic church??
really did this for over 30 years straight.  Amazing how I never said NO and she could continue to get away in a sense like murder...When I said NO after 30 years she would say just one more time and yes we did it again and again.  Amazing how this little shit of a woman got away with this nonsense.  She also worked 5 days week in a real estate office as a secretary.  She finally died at 100 after she had fallen at the office because the guy who took her to the office left his puppy with her which entangled her legs with a leash.....and she died 8 weeks later.
But that goes back to myself.....what the H*** was wrong with me?? my own dad died at age 51 and he never said NO to her and last thing before he died told me to take good care of her....
Its amazing isn't it how they train you from birth.....to allow them to get away with anything....and not having a normal mother I didn't realize how badly I was abused.
I am 75 now and looking back on this to six years ago when she finally died....what was wrong with me?? was I that stupid to allow her away with anything she wanted.  I had a retared brother (cerebral Palsy)she neglected and left  him with her elderly alcoholic mother to take care of him.  He never walked or talked and died 5 months after my dad died.  I was put in day care back in the 1940's and it was awful.  My T said she was never a mother to me.  Yes I realize that...
I am so mad at myself doing for her and it was not a two way street either.  I am so upset but I guess with everyone yesing her I didn't realize how bad she was.  I always knew I didn't like her....she worked 85 years of her life full-time ..yup I guess I could add she also OCD.
Anyone else have problems with boundaries??  Also see so many other problems I have had in my life because of her neglect of me.
Thanks, Bettyanne

Hopalong:
STOP
being angry at yourself, Betty Anne.

With the smallest tweaks, this could be me:

--- Quote ---....what the H*** was wrong with me?? my own dad died at age 51 [mine in his 80s] and he never said NO to her [true for mine too] and last thing before he died [I knew my job was to promise him I'd] told me to take good care of her....
--- End quote ---

It is not your fault you didn't see it before you saw it, nor understood it before you found knowledge about it that would help you to. It's just the deck that you got dealt and your obedience, your dazed cooperation, is exactly what children of narcissistic parents all over this globe go through.

You're not stupid, there's nothing "wrong" with you. You did the best you knew how to do at the time with whatever knowledge you had then.

Please don't add self-flagellation on top the old bruises. OWWW. It's okay to let it heal and to be kind to yourself. Anger at Why Not Sooner? is natural. Looking at years "wasted" is common too. Pretty normal stage of grief (for the relationship with her you deserved but did not get).

But YOU are not a waste. YOU are valuable, alive, and whether for years or decades more, you still have a future in which to experience happiness. Every minute you spend reliving that painful past robs you of a future minute during which you could be opening up to joy.

I really have a feeling you will learn how to do that, when life frees a way. (And if you can't do THAT overnight, you don't get to beat yourself up for that either!)

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Gosh, BettyAnne, boundaries, so many people would have very different lives if we were all taught about boundaries from a young age!  I think it's very, very hard not to do things we've been taught to do from birth, and it's hard not to want to help out elderly parents as well.  I don't think you're a fool - you're kind hearted and caring and those are good things.  It's just unfortunate that some people take advantage of that.  I lost a lot of friends and family when I started putting boundaries in place and it was very hard.  They were people that I loved and cared about and I didn't realise that saying no would mean I lost them.  People say you find out who your true friends are when you start saying no, which is very true - but it doesn't make it any less painful to watch people walk away when you start putting yourself first some of the time.

I think growing up in dsyfunctional familes affects so many of us in different ways, and for a long time obeying your parents was just an absolute - sometimes more so for women, who were expected to be caregivers and sacrifice what they wanted to take care of others.  I think it's only been in the last couple of generations, really, that not doing everything you're asked to has even become possible in many cases.  My own mum hated her mother and never said a good word about her - but she still visited her every week, did her shopping, took her out and so on.  It's very deeply ingrained in us and I don't feel comfortable about not being around my mum in her later years, if I'm honest.  I just know I'd be opening up a can of worms if I did get in touch with her again and offer to help and I don't want to make myself vulnerable again.  It still doesn't feel right, though.

So you're not a fool - just a good person who unfortunately wasn't raised in a family that appreciated that well enough at the time xx

sKePTiKal:
It's OK that it wasn't OK for such a long time and that it's now how you've been conditioned to be BettyAnne.

What's REALLY OK is when you can stop blaming yourself for what you had no control over - THEN. Now, you can do things differently, right? And only you get to decide what "differently" consists of.

Hugs, hon. That kind of old anger can sometimes be put to good use now. But, one caution - and it's only my own experience - is that there isn't anyone to really blame. If you find anger fueling blame at anyone, you're still stuck in the N-game.

The only way to "win" is to NOT PLAY. That's been reinforced (validated, actually) around my place, by my D's experience and her friend's (house guest). As long as you draw breath - you can choose to be YOU and not just the way you were raised to be.

That's called "not playing".  ;)

Bettyanne:
Thank you everyone for your responses...actually it made me cry...It is so hard to have been so abused and then recover from it all.  Boundary very sicko one.....was what my NM did to Dad, her mother another N of sorts, my retareded brother and me. 
It was hard growing up when no one is really an adult.  I didn't really have a sibling as my brother never walked or talked.  My dad as I said before would yes her all the time....but was gambling behind the scenes too.  I believe part of this dysfunctional wife he lived with.  I also believe my grandmother came from another dysfunctional family in Ireland.  7 kids and all hated who every there son or daughter married?  Also another thing they had in common was throwing things at strangers....or people they didn't like or even know?  It was truly a crazy house I grew up in....
I hated every time my NM was home was she going to be nice  or mean?? or my grandmother was the same.

I guess I have a whole lot of sadness going on too with what does Love mean?? as I was never told I was loved but I was a spoiled child.....some spoiled child.  Either my grandmother was drinking putting booze in a coffee cup....when I thought it was coffee....only figured this out not long ago.  Was my brother taking convulsions ?? My mother at an office who would slam a phone on me saying I am busy .....and I didn't know what the H to do? it was truly insane.  My dad would come home drunk when his gambling didn't go well......
My mother was jealous if my dad was nice to me.....go figure that one....as a little kid.  Oh here another crazy thing...if I wouldn't go to sleep right away as a young kid....she would hit and make a noise on the wall or headboard the mouse was going to get me if I didn't go to sleep right away...what kid wouldn't be frighten by that??

I know I need to let it all go....but with my husband having stage 4 cancer and trying his best to recover and then the friend I wrote about its not been easy lately.

I truly want to say thank you all so much for your replies.  They were written with such kindness and I truly appreciate that..
I will give it my best to let go and let them all stay in their graves.....Praying my husband will recover and and have few more years...to live.....he is such a good man and I have been truly blessed with him.  His own mother another nut job from Ireland too....I truly believe something wrong with the way these Irish women were raised.....I don't think it was because they were poor.....I feel something was truly missing.....

Thank you again and again....Love, Bettyanne

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