Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

My brother called this morning and we chatted for a while..... he wanted to talk about the way he spoke to me and my sister at Thanksgiving.  He didn't apologize, but expressed desire to explain why and how it happens.  Our Mother and Step Father's actual hoarding traumatized him....and not just him, btw, but he's been deeply affected.  I get it.  There's "collecting" on both sides of the family, actually.  I've posted about it, likely.

The thing is.... we all handle our stuff differently..... and if I spoke to him the way he spoke to me.... I'd be done with our relationship.  I would have dropped all hope of going forward..... those words speak of war and court and splashing the entire family into chaos and dissaray.  Not his actual words, but sort of. 

So sayeth the avoidant sister, lol. 

Our sister goes toe toe with him.... and I shut down, but today he was level and wanted to know if his words were getting through OR was I being silent and quietly offended by him.  I let him know I'm offended when he's disdainful and purposefully offensive... so NO... I wasn't offended and could hear him.  He had and has points..... he does.  We agreed we have a limited time on this earth and we might as well figure this out.  Truthfully.... his words and DD21's recent words have lead to my facing my avoidance.... and that's not a bad thing. 

It's raining really hard again.  I cut around -2- 6 foot tall Hemlocks and treated for wooly adelgid during a slow spot in the rain.  It was easy digging, when I didn't hit rock or roots.  I was breathless much of the time and the pug had a second walk, which wasn't her preference in the went, but there it is. 

I'll go back in the Spring and dig up all the Hemlocks I've treated and dug around.... lost count how many, but I know I'll get tons of excercise.  The urge to stretch and be active keeps popping up.  My muscles like to stretch in the sunshine.  Being active is shifting into new things..... just very done with old ways of being..... maybe done with mourning their loss, as well.  It's apparent and larger than life.... one phase ending and turning into another.

I need to pay attention to this phase before it goes.  I didn't use to know how to pay attention.... just knew a phase would end soon and began mourning before it happened.... not how I want to continue, for sure.

I think I have 4 more Hemlocks to cut around roots and treat..... I think I have just enough wooly adelgid treatment for them.  Funny how things can work out when one relaxes and stops worrying/pushing/neeeeding things to BE done or something they can't ever be, kwim?

Lighter

[lighter]

I thought about my Mother's brother today... he's caretaking my Aunt...his wife.  She's miserable and can hardly walk and is pretty much bedridden and worried about how clean or not clean her house is.... so she doesn't want us visiting, but my Uncle won't be here forever.

I'm calling him again, soon, and going to see him.  My Aunt left the house and went to my Cousin's during our last visit..... she wasn't happy about it either.

She made it clear she doesn't want to hear from us, in any way, and I've made peace with that.

Lighter

[lighter]

While I was at the lake the girls were having troube with a tree limb breaking a back windshield, losing keys (typically; that DD loses NOTHING and is super responsible wth all her belongings) but there's been some upheaval leading ot upset for her over a new man she's seeing.... adorable, great sense of humor and DD really has fun with him, which is where the upset is coming from......
there's people who don't like the idea of her dating this cutie guy (or any guy for that matter.)

A trusted "friend's" brain broke and he started fabricating easily disproved lies about the guy DD is dating. 

To make things worse, this is someone DD considered a father figure (FF) which adds a lot more upset for her. DD is trying to form a response.  It's not good, bc they run in the same friend group and likely will create trouble...can't be avoided, IME.  It's very sad women are expected to absorb trauma so they, and the entire social group, aren't punished and traumatized over and over again. Hate that, I do.

We've been enjoying a big puzzle together.  DD doesn't need anyone telling her what to do and plenty of people are.  We played the movie SOMETHING ABOUT MARY in the background over breakfast and it was funny, bc it's SO similar to her experience right now.  It was eggs bennies with bacon and ham... the bacon was better.  Much discussion over having new guy over for brunch... he can make real hollondais, bc he cares, and we're looking forward to it.  It's so refreshing when everyone in the room shares similar sences of humor... or has one, even.

I really like the Magda character in SAM movie.

For dinner, we enjoyed potstickers wrapped in crunchy lettuce leafs with sweet chili sauce, lime and herbs for dinner.... yummy.  I grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge bc it's been sitting in the way for a week... won't get any fresher and DDs not  cooking aything with wine lately.  Leftover blueberries and apple went into the glass too.  I'm breathing into this moment, enjoying every bite and sip as I recover from a sneaky hate spiral over surprise sub freezing temperatures on today's walks.  I've been leaning into Spring and the warm sunny days I didn't think would end.  Darn.

The pug's been patient and calm lately.  She's in her bed, gently snore next to me now. 

Lots of limbs down in the neighborhood.  I think tree guys could stay busy for a month with all the old trees I rarely see get attention around here.  I usually hire someone before I go away for a while, out of fear and anxiety over leaving girls to their own devices for weeks at a time.  I think it's time to call the tree guys again. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

How did I miss this? Feels like we went into our caves again and I guess I did too.

Very sorry to hear about DD's friend and the toxicity of your "good friend" who made up stuff about him. What motivated "GF", do you think? Father figure, my butt.

My life has been overbooked, so I'm learning to limit scheduling to one appointment thing/day, rarely two. Slow, gentle, with lots of solitude has been working well for me. But when I can get enough sleep I'm dragging myself out, and usually enjoy people when I do.

This weather is lovely but so so so sad. It's hard to take pleasure in it when you know what it means.

I hope you and the DDs are well and yes, taking pleasure in everything possible.

hugs
Hops

PS I was scrolling through past posts to see if I'd miss anything, and during my self-fixation a month ago I totally blew past your mention of being on the ground spitting teeth, metaphorically. What was that about, if you want to share? Sorry I missed it and hope it's resolved, but didn't sound good.

[lighter]

Hi, Hops:

If I'm getting right to the matter at hand, training myself out of avoidant coping strategies is at the root of my recent upheavals.

DD21 is dealing with the reality of men behaving like vindictive 4yos when thwarted.... and that's just how it goes, no matter how she moves through the world.  As long as she's lovely and witty and funny and makes people in her orbit feeeeeeel wonderful.... they're going to lay claim, lash out, lie and behave badly "out of the blue" seemingly.  I've explaine this to her and she's finding out... people say things... sometimes the exact opposite of their truth, and one can't assume everyone is a truth teller, bc they certainly are not.

  It's so sad to watch.  I wonder what kind of boundaries and walls she'll put up, if any.  IME, this is the kind of experience leading to big change and DD isn't confused about it. She understands precisely how it went down and I hope she responds and becomes more proactive and wise while remaining open.

Changing subjects.... yesterday I realized I forgot I threw a punch at Yelly Guy Neighbor.  I noticed I had no urge to speak about him at all when a neighbor talked about his father's withdrawal from all neighbors.  I simply saw the father's POV. 

The next day I wondered why I still avoided Yelly Guy, bc I'd walked calmly out of his path the other day without any emotional charge at all.  There was zero upset for me and walking around him was more habit than anything else, I realized.  THEN I remembered I'd thrown a punch.
At his face.
Meant to knock him tf out and then couldn't remember which punch I'd thrown..... DD21 said it was a R chin jab, which was a very good choice if I do say so, myself.  I wouldn't have broken my hand.... and that would have come in handy had I just clipped him and made him mad, kwim?  Jeez..... I know it was upsetting at the time, but it's just gone.

That I can't remember it speaks to processing it completely out of my limbic system and into historic files... gone.  POOF.  Like magic. 

That's how things are heading and have been heading..... amazing, really.

I'll try to remember to set that intention daily...... to accept and process what I can't change and couldn't process before.

Yup yup yup.

[lighter]

So, retired nurse had a pallet of wood chips delivered almost a week ago.  Her dd and a grandson were helping yesterday....they drove over water lines with a car full of mulch bags.  Hmmm.  Hope that doesn't become a problem.

The little d on my shoulder is taking notes of all the work I no longer help retired nurse with.  It used to be compulsive.  My sister still jumps to help, as did I, but for the hand I put on her shoulder and reminder....we don't do that anymore.  Consequences aren't just for us, turns out.

I enjoy doing the help I still provide (pick up sticks/branches during walks, handle the shared creek weed eating and clean out). I feel really good about this, even if she's praising Yelly Guy for the work.....no idea if he's taking credit.  Do not care, but she never mentions it so assuming she thinks YGN does it. 
The balance is restored when I remember  the cuttings I take from her huge Hydrangea......she tried to say NO last year with the excuse she was "giving them to her DIL.".

Ridiculous, of course.  The plant grows outside her little homemade cage every year and would be 20 feet across and against her house if left to itself.  It reminded me of her "excuse" to stop using Preen.....
"I've decided I don't like the color of moss anymore.". It's green, same as the weeds and spits of grass she's promoting. 

Do people not hear the stupid things coming out of their mouths?  Can they not hear it?

Yelly Guy Neighbor stopped helping her with yard work long ago, but continues cutting through her yard.  He's walked by those bags of mulch again and again and again.... without touching them.   

Just doing my thing in my yard, sans any discussion with her, feels like clean clear river water rinsing away years of dust....and thirst.  Just.....gone.

Cowgirl knocked on my door with a big red heart'o candy on Valentine's Day.  She feels bad about the buddy fockery, but I have no patience or care and I told her plainl last year.  She made her choice and peace settled over me like a warm head to toe, tucked into my gut, blanket.  My acceptance doesn't sit well with her need to be liked and seen as "nice."  Her struggle is familiar and reminds to be mindful of stripping it from my software daily. 

More cool clean water....less dust.

Boundaries.
Holding them. 

Hold....
Hold....
and it's over.

Yes.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Bravo!

Maybe you have an unusual but effective boundaries method.
You don't have them at first and get over-involved, and then you have a warrior boundary moment and establish new ones, but you still check over your shoulder about them holding, and they do because you did it so thoroughly, but the ghosts of absent boundaries past still niggle you a bit.

Is that way off? I think you're doing great. And, that it's not easy.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I don't see it quite like that, Hops.

But I DO feel the cool clear water and absense of dust.

I also feel the amazing fellowship in providing meals to the elderly couple struggling next door.  They're the shining light in my experience with neigbors..... and it's their presense and good will I'm drawn to.  Helping them.... is also a draw..... similar to the Cowboys, but different, bc Yelly Guy's absense from the situation. 

I don't know how to keep toxic people from tainting things.... that's clear enought by now.

I DO know how to shut off and shut out toxic people once they show me who they are..... and that's a simple ON/OFF switch in my gut.  Once it's flipped.... I'm done. 

I'm pcking up fewer sticks in Retired Nurse's yard..... have put off mowing the back and her part of the creek bank...... decided 'm undecided about helping her with her side at all and then there's this pull to have one final conversation to clarify her choices BEFORE that decision is finalized. 

The musicual instrument maker, who's married to the doctor, noted how well my recent choices have "delineated" between the Nurse's and my yard.  Nurse's weeds, moss and a few patches of grass on one side of a line of rather large stones with fallen leaves on my side with a recently planted line of Hemlocks running along the propertly line (planted without discussion, mind you.) Nurse didn't even ask a question. Ya.... I'm done.  Maybe I don't need clarification.

Lighter