Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Yard
sKePTiKal:
Sigh.
Whatever his reasons for finding you attractive - and making the advance - they are his Lighter. There are some guys, that no matter how platonic the time/attention you give them, will see this as an opportunity. Fact of life. And that's why there's boundaries. Laugh about it in private; it is backasswardly flattering I suppose.
Now, about that dark side...
Shame on you, for being a living, breathing, sentient being. Yeah, you. I'ma talkin' to you (and me). Some healing processes, sometimes, offer a decision-point where I know I "took one for the team" - and sacrificed an important chunk of my life - my sexual/sensuality/craving for intimacy - in the interests of simplifying my healing journey. Whatever benefit (temporary or otherwise) I could imagine would come to me, by risking entanglement with any guy - I intentionally chose to wall off from myself until such time as I felt I had space/real desire to pursue it again. Remember? I said I wasn't totally deciding "never again" - just "not now".
Since we share some similar themes in our pasts - which are part of who we are now - I can tell you, that there isn't any real reason for you to consider that part of you dangerous or bad. It is a real part of you - but it might could use a detailed review of the bare bones of it, and what could be redesigned, revamped, updated to who you are now. It will have some basis in the past you - but it'll be "bionic" now; stronger, wiser, more in tune with you - and less "conditioned programming".
Right now, you're still very engaged in supporting your daughters' life foundation building. Soon, the amount of time/energy that requires will shrink. And you'll have a chance to think about the inner remodeling project of that side of yourself. If you're gonna be whole, you do need to address this aspect of being human - not just reject it out of hand. And only after you've done that deep "purge", spruce up, updating... is it time to think about maybe taking a chance on a guy -- because you'll know better what your requirements are.
I recognized your horror at your own reaction to his advance, in myself - and know precisely WHY I recoil at my ego-emotional-physical responses to a situation charged with that energy. My "clue" - was my property caretaker Ronnie. That's when I realized I had some work to do... because maybe I wasn't so keen on being celibate or lonely for the rest of my life. This is the universe prompting you to take a serious assessment of this part of yourself and intentionally design characteristics, elements, aspects of it - that you want to have in your life. Sometimes the fates do this - give you a heads up - because they're bringing someone into your life; and you still have work to do. Or sometimes, it's because they're checking to see if you're ready... if you will seek or be the sought after... and well, you know how many combos there are.
Know what I'm sayin' here?
lighter:
Thanks for the replies, guys. I've been focusing on other things and neighbors, so not worrying about YG right now. Avoiding him and the subject.
I spent an hour with cowboy neighbors this morning....he gave me a rack of Smokey ribs and a pork butt he cooked last night. She/Cowgirl wife, and I chatted while fixing a woodpecker nesting hole in her siding. She doesn't know where any of her H's tools are so I walked back and forth to get mine, then caulk and caulkgun and the chat was very nice. She was less stressed than normal....could listen and ask questions where she used to talk AT me without missing a beat.
I'll fill their hummingbird feeders soon and maybe walk with YG's wife when the cowgirl and she take dogs out....just to touch base and send a message to everyone, including YG.
I spent hours with dd18 this afternoon. We shopped for food, bc her stomach is really bugging her. Has been. She's depressed and uncomfortable, underweight. We laughed and told inside jokes through 2 grocery stores. Lots of funny movie references and sharing of opinions. She's very funny. Very charming. She said I'm very charming too, and we laughed about what that means in our lives....people, men, women and couples want relationship, sex and sometimes ownership....and it's not a problem till it compromises or threatens to compromise social scaffolding, in our experience, or turns into abusive treatment, which we've each experienced. My niece says it's the "it" factor, which Niece has too.
DD is so much wiser than I was at 18yo. Honestly, both DDs are. They're informed and aware and SEE things for what they are more quickly. Confusion isn't a coping strategy in their toolboxes. They recognize gaslighting and projection. They don't have the need I had to make sense of nonsensical pd behaviors. Youngest DD does want to FIX, but not to the extent I did.
Oldest DD got off work at 5 so they're out getting groceries for her now.
I made lots of food no one is eating but me. Cuban pork. Asian chicken. Lots to eat AND I have the smoked ribs and pork butt from CB neighbor's. I need to send some next door to elderly couple struggling w/Parkinsons/him and debilitating arthritis/ her. They're always appropriate and lovely.
Will put vegetable broth on stove and drink from it for a couple days.
Those ribs were a bit salty. I can't drink enough water right now.
4 days of rain projected. I'm going to get this Preen down....just waiting for optimal rain schedule.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Sound plan, Lighter.
Weatherman says we'll have a mix of rain/snow here. I'm hoping the garden bed I plowed get softer with the rain before the next dry stretch, when I'll disc the dirt from all 4 directions.
lighter:
Yesterday we drove to Atlanta. The moss was happy after a long sprinkling rain, which was great, bc I wanted to water it....was so dry.
I finally covered the woodpecker holes on both sides of my house, which required setting up the little giant ladder by myself. At a frustrating point I pulled up a fireman video on it, and got the job done. Knowing YG neighbor would be walking by soon had me doing things in half panic to avoid him insisting to help. Surprisingly, my body seems to be ok....nothing pulled it badly out if whack.
The Preen extended care product us doing its job. I have weeding to do in adjoining neighbor's yard, but will get to it.
Should tree frogs lay eggs in my containers there's tons if algea for them. I like feeding the tadpoles and watching them hop away.
So, lots to do in the yard....things to plant. Not much time at home and then I'm with girks, planning, shopping and preparing meals....food is overwhelming again. Will post that on another thread.
I did want to mention changing the AC filter was a lesson. I was hurrying, trying to finish and struggled to get old filter out. Struggled to get plastic off new.
I wanted to scream so stopped. Assumed observation mode, got curious and pushed that filter into place with
one
finger.
Usually I hit a screw at the top and go a little nuts shoving past it, bam, bam, bam.
I think calming myself meant I could tend to everything....like where I was sitting and maybe my knee moving out of contact with the filter so the filter missed the screw thus time. Lessons learned. Sometimes more than once to finally get it.
Lighter
lighter:
Huge day for shutting diwn the trail. I spoke with retired nurse neighbor about it. She's behind it and ready to help enforce.
I spoke to the nice bicycle riding neighbors and the hubby wants to help on trail upkeep, just as YG wants to. My response is I intend to enjoy doing UT myself....tending to it in my own time and joy, but will ask for help if needed.
I felt fine about it.
Most importantly, I listed the shut down on the neighborhood board, complete with photo.
Will give them till the 3rd to find another route into the forest.
I feel amazing....like my energy is moving on greased rails instead of rusty ones.
DD18 isn't pleased, but part of that is the shirtless blonde guy with amazing hair, beard and abs, perhaps, going from her sight forever.
There's just the one doctor/ukelele builder neighbors to tell by Monday. I don't mind them going through, but if you give a mouse a cookie.
It's raining at Lake and at home. I can feel the loss sigh in contentment.
Lighter
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version