Yard

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, I think for me I am by nature just a friendly, smiley, put people at ease sort of a person - it's just how I am.  But - I am learning that it does send certain signals, quite unintentionally, to certain kinds of people who take it as a green light to, at best, talk about themselves for ages and, at worst, become abusive, manipulative, unpleasant and so on.  We had a guy from the water board come to the new flat, he just needed to check a reading on something before the account was officially signed over to us.  Literally a two minute job, nothing more, but he was there for fifteen minutes telling me all about himself and what sort of day he'd been having.  Just from me saying "oh hi, nice to see you, come on in".  It feels unnatural to me not to be friendly towards people but I'm like you, trying to find that balance between polite and 'oh dear God, are they moving in?' kind of feeling with some (and those situations with people like YG who are just so hard to deal with).  When I'm in a ferociously bad mood I can tell people to F off and with elderly neighbour (the one who told me his sex story about the young mum next door) I'm quite curt now - just "Morning" if he's outside when I go out and nothing more.  It's tiring, though.  I don't want to have to be guarded, I'd like to be able to be myself and know that other people can kind of get on with it and not be over the top.  It's another skill to practise I guess! xx

[lighter]

I guess it's mistake to assume any treatment is about us.

My first husband wasn't SEEING me when he screamed at me, eyes and veins bulging....making nonsensical accusations about things not on my radar.

Now that I think if it, he was accusing me of not trusting him when clearly I did.....until he did everything he could to prove that trust was, indeed misplaced, unearned, unwarranted.

And it seems like that's part of being treated poorly by strangers.....extending respect and trust is a trigger for them.

I don't know about that, but a flight attendant once told me the worse she treated elderly NY passengers....the nicer those women were to her.  Whatever that's worth. She shared that story when I told her an elderly NY lady had purposefully kicked my little paper bag, with force.  It wasn't in her space, but it was close to the imaginary line and bugged her.  I was shocked AND amused.

And so......maybe take people as they come.  No more assuming the best if them.....but assuming neutrality....non judgmental curiosity about them.  No more assuming they'll be do a job or be competent, bc it seems to set some people off, ime.

I can do that.  I don't need anyone to assume I'm a good human being either.  I think I did.  Not anymore and it's just not personal.

It's distance and safety and looking at what is w/o expectation or.......
::Sigh::.
I don't know.  Trying to fix people or make them feel anything.  I can do polite, busy, on my way out, too many things to do, so must keep things short.

I think I do that too.....often.  I wonder why I don't with certain others and what about them might be involved in my choices.

I certainly can be very blunt.  I can be very short and curt and honest.....which isn't"polite" I guess, but usually it's spoken from a defensive stance.  Always reactive/responsive... there's not much thinking about it....the blurt is the ONLY choice in the moment and I know it in my bones.

The out of the blue craziness/lashing out from strangers is about them....not me.  The same with my first husband.....it was his stuff and once I put my foot down he changed his tune....was sorry....asked me to help him/ fix him.  But I had to turn and defend....assume an attack from him, bc he was attacking all the damn time, cruel, zero.....
Zero compassion.  He picked fights and had to make stuff up TO DO THAT.

I wonder if all the people behaving this way lack compassion....maybe that's a repeating pattern in my life.  I'm identified as a tolerant someone, SEEING them in a way they can't tolerate? 

Not sure, but I'll reign in my tendency to assume the best in people.  I'll be busier, on my way, always in a hurry.

I can't see how I'd open the trail and be ok with all the extroverted neighbors going through 2 and 4x a day.

I'm looking forward to my t answering 100 questions a week about my rocks, moss, trail, everything!

And I used to engage and answer and take on the negative energy of those doubting the moss plan.  Why? What did I care?

I half believe I let the porch sit, covered in pollen, untouched, bc YG acted broken hearted when I removed the big shabby chic bar.....he said I'd removed all charm....it was an accusation and fok him.  Why would he complain to me about it?

He wanted me to care, even though I didn't.  He wants me to care, still.  I don't.  It's in his head and now I don't speak to him, but I also limited contact with pretty much everyone at the same time.....such relief.

I have to pick through what serves and what doesn't.  I don't need everyone to like me.  Don't need their approval either.  Yesterday I turned 2 young neighbor gals around at the trail
...and they were chipper and polite about it.

DD19 and I watched sun come up together.  Woke at 6am.  It was nice.

Lighter



 

[lighter]

That's a great idea, CB....to remove the trail at the street.  I could reuse that gravel to fill in the low spots on the trail I keep.

I can make a leaf bed where street trail used to be.. ..or fill in with river rock.

That's still a big job.  I'll tackle it in the fall if I m still feeling it.  I know I'm not up to removing tons of gravel. 

About chatting up people....it can be fun, rewarding, entertaining.  It can also be a disaster, too much, invasive.  I'm ready for it to be good things only


Lighter

[lighter]

I was standing at the kitchen window when the YG ran through the easement with his dog... into the forest.  I felt nothing.

Since I'm trying to figure out what it is I need and want from my community..... what I want to give and share...... the YG's popping by gave me information. I have to decide if I'm going to go back to pretending with him..... ignoring still, but pretending, which goes very much against my gain just at the moment.

Or not. 

4 of the 6 neighbors on my street are elderly.  I don't speak to one of the couples, bc the wife seems controlling and toxic, which makes the husband's life much harder and mine too.  Easier to have nothing to do with them.

There's a super achieving couple with regard to their home, yard and garden.  They have wonderful grass, mow it all the time and treat it with chemicals, which is counter intutive to me.  They also painted their gray home bright blue, which looks wonderful, but all our homes were neutral and now the aren't.  It  must have been a huge undertaking to make that gray go blue and white,  but they're the kind of people who make whatever they put their minds to happen.  I like the husband and don't much see the wife to speak to her.  They seem very nice to me, but they all do till you spend any time with them.

That wasn't completely accurate.  A little bitter, maybe, but it's sort of a pattern in my life and that's OK too.

I have to figure out what to do about Cowboy couple and retired emergency room nurse.  The closest neighbors are both ill and I adore them to absolute pieces.  It brings me joy to feed them, roll their trash cans back and chat with them, esp the wife who's lovely and very kind. 

SInce the YG has embraced the Cowboy....... but only bc it got him closer to me I realize now....... they're sort of a package deal.  I don't have to be bothered by that.  I can just choose my times to visit around my schedule, try to avoid YG and call BS on any heinoush fockery as it comes up. 

Cowboy wife never felt comfortable around YG either, but she's really good friends with YG's wife at this point.  They're married couple friends and I don't really fit into that comfortably.  I don't drink anymore either.  Having a beer around the fire was the  center of the social interaction.

I wonder if Cowgirl is ready to be done with YG...... prolly is, but he's so helpful to her Cowboy  husband, so handy, so willing to do anything around the garage, house, porch needing doing.  Plumbing?  Sure. Electrical? OK. Splitting wood? Done.  YG wasn't willing to stand in the street and speak to Cowboy couple when Cowboy first came home from a year in intensive care..... a broken man..... bc he "never really liked him in the first place." YG didn't see any reason to be nice to him now, in his broken condition. I'm paraphrasing, but that was his intention and he pretty much stuck to it till I started spending time over there helping and hanging out by the fire.  THEN YG started hanging out too.  Began making it a  daily thing.  SO involved and friendly...... he actually said he'd "changed" his mind about the Cowboy..... decided he liked him just fine.  Ummm....... really? 

It's awkward and every day passing makes it feel more awkward to me.  At least, going back to pretending.... feels more awkward.  I'm not sure I want to do it, so what do I want?

To leave YG completely out of MY social neighborhood circle would be odd too.  It would become obvious to everyone quite quickly if I turned and walked away every time YG showed up. 

I AM STARVING while thinking about this, btw.

Very driven to put FOOD IN MY MOUTH. Stuff cookies into my cake hole to take my mind off THE THING.

I should have talked to the T about this, in hindsight, but it didn't cross my mind.  I was ignoring it, entirely and staying present and happy where I was... in the moment, but I miss the light social engagement with neighbors. Iwant to nail down what it WILL BE.

Now that I'm leaving for the lake, again, I have familiar feelings of putting things right...... making decisions and solidifying them before I go....... the desire to make right what I can make right....... and cookies. Making cookies comes up.

Be everyone's buddy again, by opening up my yard and property to their tromping through 2 to 4 timesa day, including YG?

Fight to let ONLY 10 or so people use it while refusing permission to the majority?

I'd normally cook something and share it with Cowboy and his wife.... she's so appreciative.  Wants so badly to talk at someone. 

I could chat up their son and his beard.... errrrr..... very nice gf.  That makes me nervous too.  From my perspective, that young man gave up the male love of his life to please his parents and it's a ticking time bomb.  I really like her.  I don't like who he is when he's pretending with this woman.  He's sort of closed off and mean... reminds me of my first husband too much.

Love love love the nurse and unhealthy neighbors.... they're on either side of me, closest.

Yesterday all the women were in the circle, grandkids in little police outfits with little electric cars and there were dogs and I didn't feel like joining them...... nurse, yg's wife, Cowgirl, the children's overtly nice mother....... the unwell couple were both there.  I miss them.

I wonder why I didn't want to go out.  I used to. I usually would. 

Something ablout the trail and the YG has me hung up, standing still..... not going into the yard like I normally would....... and I mean to fix it.

I have to decide what habits I want to form, bc they're so difficult to change, IME. 


I want to mindfully discern what I want to create with my neighbors and what I want to leave behind.

YG's being a creep impacts everyone.

I look as though I'm behaving strangely and he looks like the helpful nice guy...... I'm sure he has opinions about my behavior.  That doesn't bother me, surprisingly. 

What it does is present as something I'll deal with reactively, likely, when I jump back in the swimming pool with neighbors.

Retired nurse thinks it's ONLY the travel and renovation keeping me out of the yard.  That's her story when neighbors make enquiries, I'm sure.

I care what they think, dammit.

It keeps me paralyzed, I'm afraid.

Dammit.

And what if I just speak my truth.... everyone is impacted.  People will feel they must choose sides.... I hate that.  People will be negatively impacted,. bc of me.... but not really me.  I can't protect them. Not MY job to protect them. They might send YG packing, but his lovely wife would be impacted.  Their lovely social habits would be impacted.  I was spending less time there anyway,. bc Cowboy couple aren't really my speed...... I don't want to drink that much....but I can't be around YG if people know and maybe not if they don't. 

I usually ignore him pretty well, so it wouldn't seem odd if I did it going forward. 

It's one choice, to just pretend, ignore and sidestep.  It keeps homestasis in the hood. 

Young Lighter does NOTlike that idea. Young Lighter is ready to splash in puddles or step around them.  She doesn't see standing in them, pretending to be dry, as an option.

Lighter

[lighter]

OK. THIS reminds me of divorcing.

Do you break your silence, mess up holidays, screw up your children's lives and share custody OR do you keep your yap shut, pretend, lie and keep holidays happy and joyful for everyone else?

I don't see sharing custody of my neighbors happening, btw. 

it would be a sh*t show and I'm allergic to that kind of drama. 

Women are used to pretending, aren't we?

So many excuses and reasons to pretend.

so many reasonsot to tell the truth, out the creeps and upset the balance.

Lighter

[lighter]

What makes THIS house, street, neighborhood my safe space?

Liking and helping my closest neigbors. I keep them, for sure. 

Going into the woods and being in nature.

My yard.

I like the doc and her lovely husband.

I like.......not having people tromping through the yard all day and into the evening.

Why my yard? Why do I have to be the one allowing everyone INTO her space all the time? I do not, that's the answer.  I'm not the people who used to rent this house with their many many children and baby and bonfires and neighborhood gatherings with pot lucks and torches. 

I FEEEEEL the weight of fitting in, being shielded by community.....  I really want to be INSIDE a community, a part of, giving and taking...... providing safety and enjoying it too.

YG is part of the community..... an outgoing, helpful, talkative, extroverted involved in every damn thing part.   Can Ijust let it go?  Community? YG's creepiness? Both?  Neither?

I think I'm about to be sick of myself being sick of thinking about this.

Almost there.

Lighter

[lighter]

Doesn't have to be easy.

Doesn't have to pleeeeaaaase everyone.

Doesn't have to include the YG. 

I can include the Doc and her family, the bike guy and his family, the ONE younger single neighbor who runs marathons and......my moss friend from one hood over.

And that can be it.  THAT can be who's invited to bonfires and work days and chats over rocks and stones and moss.

I'm allowed to circle my wagons and that's what it would be, IMO.

Excluding some, including others. And they can wonder why and I can stay present in MY monents with the people I choose to spend time with. 

There are unknowns...... but for the most part they don't seek me out and I don't seek them out.  Not really a choice I have to make.  It will make itself. They have access to the trails throuh other yards... their own yard, frankly.  If the excluded aren't walking through my yard, my social gatherings won't be so darned awkward.

The doc and her family aren't liked by YG and Cowboys, for instance.  I choose doc and her amazing tall daughters and ukelele making dh.

I'll always include the retired nurse and unwell neighbors. That's plenty of social interaction for me. That's a balanced give and take, protect and be protected. 

If Cowgirl asks why..... why?  I'll likely tell her the truth and release the outcome.  Young Lighter can have her way, if it comes to that.
Or not. I really like YG's wife, but young lighter is more important right now.

I picture cutting people and houses and problems out, like using a dough scraper to cut away parts of the doughball... and discard it.  It's dough.... so there's no feelings about it.  Just no room for it on my floured board and that's OK too.

All this began with that creepy walk into the forest.  It was impetus, but not the only force moving me toward these choices.

And making these choices will make my life easier, happier and more fulfilling.  I believe it will.

Once I drop caretaking the  feelings of others.... I can get down to brass tacks...
 what's best for everyone involved? It gets easier when I think about what I DO want.... and stop fretting about what I don't want.

I don't have to put up with what I don't want.  I don't have to pretend. I don't have to gain the understanding and approval of any neighbor.... at all. 

I'm keeping the doc and her lovely husband.  That's a given.  The bicycle guy, who dresses up at halloween and wants to have parties and shares his puppies and is helpful.... asks for help..... has a lovely wife and sons.

Keepers, all. 

Maybe the Cowboy wife, YG wife, Moss friend and any other female neighbor interested can begin doing Amazon bonfires once every blue moon?  Or  not.

I'm breathing happily again. Not holding my breath anymore.  Relaxed.  Happily cooking chicken fingers, sauteed Indian spiced zucchini and Columbian spiced black lentils.... must make sure they don't go to mush.  SO luscious when left plump and bursting in the mouth, like caviar.

I am happy. 

Serenity restored. 

Is asking for what one needs every easy?

I think not. 

Harder for those of us putting other people's feelings and needs ahead of our own, IME.

AAAAaaaand then my youngest dd asks for her friend's fake ID so her mom can take them to a speakeasy in Tennessee and NO I can't hand it to the mother.  DD wants to hand it to her friend IN FRONT OF her mother then COACH me on not being a passive aggressive ahole so I can be friends with her.  I'll deal with that later. 

So, pug girl went into the yard at dinner time and ran to the nurse.  I walked over to say hello to the nurse when the doctor and her oldest dd Amazon warrior dd walked up, then the cowgirl walked up then the YG's wife and dog and I had to hear the message board story about the trail twice.

The discussion turned to handling the trail going forward.  There were many opinions and I'll have the doc post on that same thread.. the trail has been closed for good.  No tresspassing on private property going forward.  That entrance is no longer viable. 

Just our little group will use the trail AND I can get some help fixing the trail and putting in the big walking stones when I'm feeling up to it in the fall.  I'm so glad I spent some time thinking about it.

After the group broke up YG's wife asked to chat... to catch up.... she hand't seen me in so long.
I thought... this might as well happen, whatever happens and we walked onto my porch, me chattering like a monkey, which is my way when I feel something bad is coming my way. 

I gave her plenty of opportunity to ask questions, make statements, whatever she needed to say IF she wanted to say something about anything in particular...... then she asked me to walk with her in the forest, bc cowgirl couldn't, and I surprisingly said YES.  We walked.  It was nice.  The YG was mentioned A LOT, which was weird, bc I'd just shrug like Sgt. Schultz and pace on.

I didn't tell her to tell YG hi.  I didn't ask about him. I didn't.

We parted at the street...the trail head.... and knew we wouldn't see each other for a while. 

Decision about the trail made.  Now, to put up no tresspassing signs and have the doc do my dirty work on the neighborhood message board.

I really like the idea of having all female gatherings around the bonfire..... no men. 

Simplifies everything in my life, as far as I can tell. 

The possibility of moving out for a year or two, and renting the place furnished, has crossed my mind. I can work on the island cottage, the lake house..... see about selling the farm property at the other end of Georgia and do something else for a while. 

Leaving, for a while, is a good idea I've considered, CB.

I don't know that I'd actually sell this place...... you're right, it's a seller's market, for sure.  Hmmm...... I always wanted to have a little place downtown..... get an unfinished loft and build it out myself. THAT's what I always thought I'd end up in here.

So..... choices.

Ya.

Lighter

[lighter]

DD19 thinks YG's wife wanted to talk shite about her husband with me.....and was feeling me out.

Maybe.

[lighter]

I'm looking forward to being busy in the yard when fall gets here.

My sister will visit. 

I'll have trail closed with maybe 10 people using it, rather than 30-40 people I don't know... who don't understand it's private property, not a public trail. That feels good.  I have peace around it, even if it's a PITA to settle into new routine.  More people started using it when the parks closed down, so it was just out of my control and now it's not.

The YG talked to the bike dad of 2 boys...with the very nice wife.  That lead to both of them texting me after I texted JUST the bike dad.  They apparently spoke about the trail.  YG had opinions about what I needed to do to fix the trail AND gave me permission to keep it closed and private if that was my choice.

I just let it go by. 

He's mowing and weed eating and helping with my elderly neighbor's mission and my mission.  I'm on silent mode with him and happy to chat with his wife who seems to be seeking me out.  I have no angst about him right now.  If he speaks to me I'll say it like I feel it and he'll be sorry he opened his big yap.  Esp if it's in front of other people. 

I'm still a little skittish about being trapped in the yard by him or other neigbors who want to use the trail and seek to talk about it.

I have no problem saying... "We aren't opening the trail up." 
And just letting it hang there without further comment.

It is what it is.

What an odd thing to have my Nervous System under control AND not care so much about what others think/feel/need/want.  Just.... like an ON/OFFswitch, it feels like.

I don't care how I'm perceived by neighbors right now.  The ones I care about are in my circle..... on board..... helpful and lovely.  Reciprocal. 

Ya.

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm really resisting being in the yard.  I watch all the neighbors walk by with their pets....most of them won't be using the trail anymore.  They'll all ask about it. I don't want to have those conversations with the heat and bugs.  Will never want to have it, but will be more comfortable when I'm not sweating and scratching, so.....I'm cool with putting it off.

Lighter

[lighter]

I know there will be fewer cars in the circle when I travel back home.... visitors to the elderly couple who just lost their son park in the cirlce. 

I'm not interested in speaking to them all.... it's way too sad and heartbreaking. 

I pick and choose my moments with the couple and that's OK.

Lighter

[lighter]

Well, the dead circles in my yard aren't communications from alien life.

They're likely fungal and likely need to be dug up 10 or so inches and treated with anti fungal chems then filled back in with clean dirt and replanted with moss. 

That's 3 huge projects including the large stone pavers I want to replace old pavers with and figuring out the walking path gravel track I should pull up, stake down and replace many tons of gravel.

I can think of this today bc it's absolutely beauiful outdoor working weather.  Just breezy and cool, sans humitidty.

I also noticed all the things I need to replace.... some rotted siding, bc of gutter problems requiring attention...new hangers, etc.

Lighter

[lighter]

Girls have keys to both small cars. 

My truck is blocked in the garage by the little white car...... no spare key. 

Moss friend and I set new playdate for next week....and I'm dissapointed, but not upset.  Will have good visit and chat over phone in between. 

Baby girl pug had to go potty anyway.....and likes a nice long walk to get the business done.  I've stared this habit, now she expects it.  Just me here and so...... we walked.

I noticed what's been creeping up on me lately.......
I can state a boundary with yelly guy, not dread it or care what he thinks says or does in response.

I used to fear the response of men when rejecting them.  Like with the crazy contractor...... things could get crazy, but I can do things to mitigate the crazy.  I see that now, particularly when I'm not listening to other people TELL me I MUST get along with , placate and otherwise put up with the crazy for the greater mission.

It's possible to rise up, get the lay of the land, SEE the moving parts, identify the greater good for all and act without garnering approval and acceptance from anyone but myse;f,which is novel for me.

So, with that in mind I walked into the forest NOT dreading running into the Yelly Guy. It felt very normal. Like taking back my power and setting my own reality parameters.... for me.

I can just say what I mean and I certanly mean what I say.  I've stopped beating around any bushes with Yelly Guy.  I'm not afraid of his 6'4" approx frame or rageful outbursts..... I'll always be outside where other people could be or are and that's enough proactivity for me, apparently.

I have peace with that plan.

What I'll say will depend on what he says and does and I'm OK not having that all planned out beyond knowing I'll set boundaries and trust they'll be exactly right, bc....
bc.....
something's shifted there.

When I stop avoiding him and the situation and pretending everything is fine.... there's room for processing and shifting into BEING OK. That's how it feels, anyway.

I don't have to have everyone's approval on handling it JUST RIGHT,bc there's never been a "just right" way to handle this,though so many people claim to know..... have advice..... can see the mistakes and misteps, but then...... I can't change who I am or shut everyone out..... and I'm a nice person who really enjoys other nice people. 

I compare the nice married men in my life and one thing the nice ones NEVER do is talk about their wives outside their company. 

They never go out of their way to get me alone.

They speak honestly when around me and their wives and we have adult conversation without anyone getting triggered or angry or innappropriate.  There's enough information to identify these things IF one is paying attention AND TRUSTING their perceptions and instincts enough to HONOR them without fail.

I've always said I failed to honor myself....but was mainly talking about 2005 forward.....not connecting the dots to current situations,bc ...... I feel so much better. I have such relief.

I haven't finished shifting into belief and honoring self..... consistently.  Without fail.

Maybe I never will,but it's there and I can reach it and it's not impossible to do it,IMO.

Once I chart a course...... it doesn'tmatter if the water's choppy.... I've set a course.  I don't have to wonder or worry or ruminate about the course, dependent on the water, etc. I have a course.

That seems to simplify things A LOT in my mind.  Makes it easier to speak about whatever the sunject is, to whomever, and whatever heat or energy pops up around the topi..... there's a plan of action....no need for confusion.

It;s the same with the lake house and dealing with the different personalities.  I set my course.

The iffy scary part of my process was always around setting boundaries without my father's temperament and words popping up to do the work for me, instead of me choosingmy own words. He's imprinted THAT on my brain completely and it's not uncommon for me to hear his words pop out of my mouth, unbidden or summoned..... they're just there. 

And I have to tell you...... he used foul language, he went for the jugular, he was smug and I never liked hearing those words pointed at anyone, particularly myself. He was pretty void in compassion, but got meloncholy and apologetic when drunk, which added a layer of confusion to hear him take responsibility THEN forget he said anything and look puzzled completely when I tried to discuss it during a sober day.

So, back to having this DEFAULT boundary setting tape running in my head.....which I don't want to hear or put into the world any more. 

I have to invent a new language.....like figuring out how to talk to my brother..... this is THAT, I think. Same old thing, but wrapping it'round everything and everyone one without confusion or hesitation or having to fake it or buck myself up after stuffing it down where all childhood trauma used to land. 

How to simply state boundaries, my way.....not using language others say I should use or language expected of me.... I can't heal the world through my selection of words. I can model setting boundaries for das kinder, but that's the end of my expectations.

I'm resisting using really friendly non violent communication, bc it only created more trouble for me with the crazy contractor..... but that shouldn't mean I throw the baby out with the bathwater, right?

Being misunderstood was something my father never ever ever had to worry about.

I do, apparently, bc I own female parts?

::sigh::.

Straight talk, without judgment, and without beating about the bush trying to save anyone's feelings seems the right direction to travel.

Necessary facts stated.

 Stated boundaries.
Stated consequences... sans emotional charge.  Just getting on with the business of the day...... without building it up and injecting it with fear or whatever conjures up confusion and renders me unable to speek my truth.

It's not fear. Not anymore.

It feels like a miracle to drop my head to one side, size up a person and situation and just KNOW what to say, without second guessing or wondering if THIS person or THAT person will approve. 

Where in that eqation does my default father setting...... the BLAST of cruel reality( I didn't want to hear or say..... ) where does that GO?  I guess I finish processing that heat and upset and move it OUT of my brain so it's not bouncing around in there, presenting as a choice anymore.

I never thought of that as a trauma I should waste good T time on,  but I think it's time to deal with it. 

And.... can I figure that out w/o my T?  Since we're face to face again.... I think I'd like to do it with her, but maybe work on it while waiting for that appointment.

Sometimes I wonder how much of my troubled inner waters belong to ME and what belongs to the people who raised me...... if there's a difference and it feels like there definitely IS a difference. 

In the meantime...... I'm SEEING things in front of me requiring attention,w hich means there's joy in doing mundane things in the house, around the house.

When I'm in the past or future I can't SEE what;s right in front of me..... it's like I'm blind to it.  Truly.  My sister used to say I was clutter blind, but it's more than that. It's what;s in front of me I can't see.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Wow. Those sound like big insights, Lighter.
Not just how to set and hold calm healthy clear boundaries, but creeping up on PEACEFULLY doing so. Disarming the alarms and trigger plates.

Kudos!

Lots of discernment, awareness of self and others' vibes and responsibilities, and where they end.

I can always think of the perfect thing to say in those situations, btw...a month later.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

LOL....yup. About a month, later, Hops.  That's about the truth of it.

And I don't completely believe silencing my fathere's very direct, no bones about it voice is 100% necessary/right/healthy. 

Sometimes..... like when we let child molestors and perpetrators of violent crimes OUT of prison.... that voice seems more than appropriate to me.  We keep people in prison for 20 plus years for selling pot out of their basements..... fine, upstanding people,but light your child on fire and let him burn, to get back at your ex wife....and you maybe get 8 years. WHAT IS THAT?
 
Compassion stops at the place where future harm to innocents happens.  It drops away and I'm not sure where it goes, Hops.

Everywhere else in the prison system..... I want to trace the people who created the harm and trauma and symptoms (inmates) and STOP that ongoing original harm..... heal the inmates who aren't moved to harm, rape and kill children and the weak.  But not the people who get a thrill from doing harm..... not them, not at all.   I dont' want themt to suffer, mind you. 

I'd feel....... naked if that voice were banished..... I think. It's what I feel is my gut....my inner knowing and wow...... that's something to unpack.

Lighter