Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Hopalong:
I can't even comprehend how you keep your two-person crew doing what should take a battalion, Tupp.
You are a freaking HERO.
I mean this completely.
What you do day to day and year over year is genuinely heroic.
You deserve far more than a medal. I'm glad you're as determined as the bravest Marine, and keep getting it, piece by piece. You amaze me. Awe me!
The only thing I can compare it to is my decade with my (heavy) mother, and that had an end date.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on May 22, 2019, 12:22:32 PM ---I can't even comprehend how you keep your two-person crew doing what should take a battalion, Tupp.
You are a freaking HERO.
I mean this completely.
What you do day to day and year over year is genuinely heroic.
You deserve far more than a medal. I'm glad you're as determined as the bravest Marine, and keep getting it, piece by piece. You amaze me. Awe me!
The only thing I can compare it to is my decade with my (heavy) mother, and that had an end date.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Aw, thanks Hops, I don't feel heroic, just tired! Lol, I am trying to focus on self care though. I went to the nice parents group this morning and they are lovely, I felt really nice when I came out of there and they're organising some days out for all of us to go along to over the summer holidays which I'm really looking forward to. I attracted cats as I walked into town lol, some are so friendly and one little chap started to follow me quite a lot of the way, I was a bit worried he might get lost but he turned back after a while. I did actually sit and put my feet up this afternoon before I fetched son from college and I'm meeting the social worker tomorrow to go through some possible support options - it's not a huge amount at this stage but it's a start and I think we can add to things as we go along. I'm getting my back fixed on Friday so only one more day of hobbling about and the acupuncture is helping my hormones; I'd usually be on my knees at this point in the month but I don't feel too bad. I think the reason I really feel like I need those reciprocal relationships now is because there's so much to organise and fit in anyway, having to keep reaching out to people and organising them as well is just getting a bit much. So I'm really glad that these two groups I've joined are proactive and other people are doing the organising - I'm happy to help out but it's nice not to have to be the one doing all the work.
It must have been hard looking after your mum. It does take a real toll on your life, everything you do has to be put on hold and the emotional side of it can be hard, particularly in those situations where you might be looking after someone who hasn't always been nice (thankfully I don't have that with son, he's always been so lovely). And other people aren't always very understanding either, I think caring for someone when they're sick or disabled is often something that people only get if they've done it as well (like so many other things in life, I suppose, it's hard to imagine some things if you've not been through them) xx
sKePTiKal:
Tupp, maybe it's because I know I have times like this, but I'm hearing that you kinda need someone to take care of YOU for a change. Someone to schedule, manage the details - and son's needs - and allow you time/space to just enjoy, relax, be with others. It might not need to be a long time; maybe just dinner and part of an evening. Or a Saturday afternoon.
My deal is, that it's really easy for me to fall into the old habits of taking care of everyone, making things "just so", and nice so everyone can have a good time. Or just working around here on the chores and dealing with life stuff even, can be enough to send me into that "I wish I had a mommy to take of ME" state.
Lately, I've been holding down the kitchen for dinner for months now... with various people in/out of my place, like Steve and the house guest... and even my friends... that I'm in the mood to just go on strike and if anyone wants dinner THEY can make it. LOL. But you know what? They CAN and DO, and do a mighty fine job of it too. I just have to recognize that I don't always have to be the one "doing" and "in charge" and "responsible". And everything's wonderful and just fine.
I honestly need that from time to time, but often when I'm in that space I don't know how to ask for it. It's really no imposition for others to do this from time to time; we're not being "needy" out of the ordinary - everyone kinda needs this periodically. But somehow, I got the idea in my head that "it was my JOB to do this" and "never, ever ask for anything for ME".
My mom had a lot to with me getting that idea, I think. And it's a whole neural pathway of it's own now... but ya know what? It doesn't have to STAY that way.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on May 23, 2019, 09:00:02 AM ---Tupp, maybe it's because I know I have times like this, but I'm hearing that you kinda need someone to take care of YOU for a change. Someone to schedule, manage the details - and son's needs - and allow you time/space to just enjoy, relax, be with others. It might not need to be a long time; maybe just dinner and part of an evening. Or a Saturday afternoon.
My deal is, that it's really easy for me to fall into the old habits of taking care of everyone, making things "just so", and nice so everyone can have a good time. Or just working around here on the chores and dealing with life stuff even, can be enough to send me into that "I wish I had a mommy to take of ME" state.
Lately, I've been holding down the kitchen for dinner for months now... with various people in/out of my place, like Steve and the house guest... and even my friends... that I'm in the mood to just go on strike and if anyone wants dinner THEY can make it. LOL. But you know what? They CAN and DO, and do a mighty fine job of it too. I just have to recognize that I don't always have to be the one "doing" and "in charge" and "responsible". And everything's wonderful and just fine.
I honestly need that from time to time, but often when I'm in that space I don't know how to ask for it. It's really no imposition for others to do this from time to time; we're not being "needy" out of the ordinary - everyone kinda needs this periodically. But somehow, I got the idea in my head that "it was my JOB to do this" and "never, ever ask for anything for ME".
My mom had a lot to with me getting that idea, I think. And it's a whole neural pathway of it's own now... but ya know what? It doesn't have to STAY that way.
--- End quote ---
Yes, absolutely that, Skep, desperate for others to take on the work but no-one else will do it and that's kind of the nub of the problem. And not just that no-one else will do anything with or for son, but most people I know don't even bother to get back to me when I contact them or contact me first to ask if I want to get together, or just to have a chat and a catch up. I think that's the main thing that I need to change but........ I can't change other people and that's what's difficult. Social services have agreed to put in ten hours of support a week during the holidays but that still leaves me responsible for 144 hours term time and 158 in the holidays. And much of the time he's doing other things I spend on the paperwork battles to get him the help he needs (which he still isn't getting two years since I started doing all this). I am trying to get to the beach for an hour a day because it makes me feel a lot better and he's on half term next week so I don't need to worry about getting up in the mornings and that will help, but other than that literally no-one else is there. When I had to go to court for his education package hearing all I needed in terms of care was someone to have him for a couple of hours before college and maybe a couple of hours afterwards. But no-one could do it so I had to take him to my sister who's a two hour drive away and we had to go up the night before, stay over and then I had to drive back down to the court after I dropped him off and then drive back again afterwards to collect him before driving him home. The time I spent driving was more time than I actually needed someone to have him but there wasn't anyone to do it. Even with getting social workers involved I've still had to sort out which activities he can do, organise carers for him, put a costing package together and then meet with the social worker three times before she goes to the funding panel (who might say no) and then she comes back to me to tell me whether or not we can go ahead. That alone has taken eleven months to get organised and the earliest it will be in place will be early July. There have been umpteen phone calls and emails in between and that's just the social care; the education battle is still ongoing (two years in), we're probably going to have to go back to court and I haven't got started on the health care battle yet! It's just so colossal and unless you can pay lawyers to do all of it there's no option but to do it all yourself. I can get legal aid for the actual court process but it only deals with filing paperwork; I have to represent him myself so I still need to know everything and argue a case for him. It's done on purpose to make people give up (and it works!). But as we've no plan B I can't give up otherwise he won't get any help at all. It's an awful system and one I'd be very glad to be out of :) xx
Hopalong:
Braaaaaaaaaavooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
AMBER!
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