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Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
sKePTiKal:
I'm also connecting with the kitchen mess problem Tupp. With Steve here more often - and his different habits/standards - and a revolving door of guests the kitchen is constantly in some state of disorganization. Part of the problem, is people just eating when they're hungry and then running off to do something else and forgetting to clean up after themselves. (He is trying; I've noticed.)
Part of it is also, that we get conditioned to the pictures of "House & Garden" kitchens that have had a pro stylist come in and shift things 1/4 inch (or 5 mm) to make it "just so" for it's glamour shot. It's so PRETTY... ya know? And inviting. And we want that too. LOL. But it is sterile; posed; no life in it. No energy.
And if Buck comes here... all that will change again. Some of Hol's friends work in professional kitchens; I've been able to abandon the kitchen to them completely and when they've moved on to other things, then I go back and put things where I like to find them unless I'm also moving on to the next thing. I'm letting go an awful lot of the OCD/perfection stuff these days. There aren't enough hours in the day for that. And as long as I'm using that time for the important stuff in life... so what? I know I'll have another quiet time to go through and claim my space again.
I am highly territorial about my space - or at least, I have been. To absurd levels. But I'm now sharing a studio with Hol, Steve, and sometimes my house guests... and they have their own habits and needs/requirements for doing their thing. These days, I just roll with it. For me, that's something totally new... but it helps make this temporary living situation do-able.
So much for being a grumpy old hermit.
Hopalong:
I love Lighter's term for you, Tupp. You ARE a giant, especially on those days when you feel anything but. I'm sorry about your kitchen. You must feel as though you're rearranging peas in a thimble. I hope you are on the list for better housing and if there is any way to move up it...yet even if not, your inner minimalist may help. I wish I could.
Amber, what's going on in your life is just amazing! Will catch up on thr farm thread.
Xxxxxooooo
Hops
Twoapenny:
Morning, everyone, I'm very behind on all the threads (again) but am working hard on myself and just wanted to jot things down as I notice them so that they don't get lost in everything else that's going on.
I'm amazed at how difficult trying to look after yourself and rest and relax can be. I'm having to work really hard at not working really hard, which is bizarre. There are some things that still need to be done each day, of course, but other than those things I am trying really hard to only do things I want or enjoy doing, and to spend as much time as possible at the beach or snoozing indoors. I am managing to do yoga most days, which is good, and I'm generally able to find time to meditate as well.
The anger is still a problem only less so now; I think having less day to day stress helps as there are fewer things to trigger me off. The out of control dog situation around here is astonishing. Someone about half a dozen houses away has huskies that howl, all hours of the day and night, a chorus of them. One of them was actually at the window yesterday howling at the night sky. Astonishing amount of noise. They then set off several other dogs on the same block, the worst of those being the ones next door to us who seem to bark at the slightest noise and then just go for hours. The owners yell at them, to no effect, and so it continues. It is blissfully quiet at the moment; it seems there's nothing that can be done as words have been had; the dogs aren't being mistreated so the animal rescue people won't get involved and the local council say it's not a serious enough noise issue for them to get involved. It is apparently an ongoing problem that's been happening for years and it seems that many people simply move away as there's nothing else they can do. It always baffles me that anti-social stuff can be allowed to continue and it's the people who are bothered by it who have to move but there we are.
Anyway - I digress. Grief is the overwhelming factor for me at the moment; it has knocked me sideways the last couple of days and I wonder if it underpins the anger. I have felt more grief stricken than angry over the last day or two, although the anger is still present. I am listening to meditation music that is supposed to help with grief and have been doing yoga to try to stay calm and balanced. Son is being lovely and keeping himself busy in his room, bless him, he has decided that science is his thing and so has surrounded himself with all sorts of kitchen ingredients to make stink bombs and goo pies. He's wearing safety glasses and my dressing gown as a lab coat, bless him. But yes, the grief. Two things have been very heavy on my mind this last couple of days, both relating to my mum (just for a change).
I think the need to keep her happy - which spilt into people pleasing and being responsible for everyone else in my adult life as well - might stem from her suicide attempt when I was four. I don't remember it at the time, but she told me all about it when I was relatively young - maybe ten or eleven. I think that sense of keeping her happy to keep her alive was perhaps there for a long time. I can remember the pain of losing my dad very acutely and it still astonishes me to this day that literally not one person made the slightest effort to talk to me, comfort me, take my mind of it or do anything at all. I'm aware things were different back then but even so, it seems mad to me that no-one even tried.
I think that links in to my taking it so badly when friends don't keep in touch. I've been thinking about that a lot; it upsets me and bothers me, even when it's friends that I find a bit tiring or difficult to deal with so I don't actually want to spend too much time with them. But I think that lack of reaching out when my dad died, and then my mum's reaction to my cutting off contact with her - has had a lasting effect and I think that's why when a friend makes no effort to reach out or contact me, I just kind of switch off. I stopped talking to my mum thirteen years ago, and in all that time she's never once reached out to try to talk or change the situation. Part of me is glad of that, because she's so messed up and destructive I couldn't have her in my life. But the fact that my own mum was willing to let me walk away, for no reason other than me refusing to let her destroy us anymore, still weighs heavily on me and I think that's part of where I've got to at the moment.
Anyway - as I say, just putting it down so that I don't forget it all. We have a quiet day today - I am loving these quiet days where I can attend to my own needs and not rush around all day. I love having the time to think and reflect, rest or go out, depending on how I feel. It's nice to be able to decide - that's enough - and just put my feet up and not do anymore. I've decided to give myself two full weeks without any paperwork, so everything's just been dumped in a box out of the way and all the unpleasant emails have been swept in to a 'Need to Read' folder. I'll get back to it next week, but I think I'm going to limit it very strictly to two hours a day maximum and that will have to be enough. It will only stop controlling my life if I stop it so I'm going to have to put myself on a timer, I think, sit down, plough through what I can and that will be that. I will catch up with all the other threads soon, thank you for reading :) xx
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on July 09, 2019, 04:40:56 AM ---Morning, everyone, I'm very behind on all the threads (again) but am working hard on myself and just wanted to jot things down as I notice them so that they don't get lost in everything else that's going on. That you manage to find the time to focus on your inner world, and DO that, consistently, takes strength, Tupp. Again, I'm inspired, and awed by your ability to handle so many things, so well.
I'm amazed at how difficult trying to look after yourself and rest and relax can be. I'm having to work really hard at not working really hard, which is bizarre. Do you think this is part of the PAT... learning to be comfortable with feelings of pleasure, and safety? There are some things that still need to be done each day, of course, but other than those things I am trying really hard to only do things I want or enjoy doing, and to spend as much time as possible at the beach or snoozing indoors. I am managing to do yoga most days, which is good, and I'm generally able to find time to meditate as well. Again, Tupp. Your discipline, and focus are astonishing.
The anger is still a problem only less so now;I hope you've been able to let someof it flow through and OUT, Tupp. However you do it, it's something you should allow to COME OUT, and be what it is. Wherever it's coming from, it's human, and belongs. I'm hoping you can find a way to honor it, acknowledge it, examine it, and release it. I think having less day to day stress helps as there are fewer things to trigger me off. You're entitled to that very appropriate anger, IMO. It's safe to process it now. I hope you feel you can, bc you deserve to access it, and stop stuffing it, if that's something you're doing. I hope that doesn't sound bossy.
So sorry if it does, but young Tupp gets to BE angry now, if that's what she needs to be. It's OK. The out of control dog situation around here is astonishing. I hate the idea of having to wear noise cancelling headphones OR earplugs, gack, but that might be the best you can do. People can be so dense, and rude.Someone about half a dozen houses away has huskies that howl, all hours of the day and night, a chorus of them. One of them was actually at the window yesterday howling at the night sky. Astonishing amount of noise. They then set off several other dogs on the same block, the worst of those being the ones next door to us who seem to bark at the slightest noise and then just go for hours. The owners yell at them, to no effect, and so it continues. It is blissfully quiet at the moment; it seems there's nothing that can be done as words have been had; the dogs aren't being mistreated so the animal rescue people won't get involved and the local council say it's not a serious enough noise issue for them to get involved. It is apparently an ongoing problem that's been happening for years and it seems that many people simply move away as there's nothing else they can do. It always baffles me that anti-social stuff can be allowed to continue and it's the people who are bothered by it who have to move but there we are. I've come close to driving a neighbor's dog into another State, I have to admit. Auntie Helen was dying, and suffering, bc the dog next door howled all day, and that neighbor didn't have to hear Auntie H cry, or struggle. We ended up putting insulation and foam in her window, and it still wasn't much better. So sorry you're dealing with this.
Anyway - I digress. Grief is the overwhelming factor for me at the moment; it has knocked me sideways the last couple of days and I wonder if it underpins the anger. (((Tupp)) You've lost so much. Your father, and the mother/family you deserved. The safety of protective loving family. The care and protection of the loving mother you didn't have, but still hope for. The care, and comfort of adults when you lost your father..... when you were figuring out your son's issues, and how to help him... you needed support, and help. You have a lot to mourne, Tupp.
I have felt more grief stricken than angry over the last day or two, although the anger is still present. I am listening to meditation music that is supposed to help with grief and have been doing yoga to try to stay calm and balanced. Son is being lovely and keeping himself busy in his room, bless him, he has decided that science is his thing and so has surrounded himself with all sorts of kitchen ingredients to make stink bombs and goo pies. He's wearing safety glasses and my dressing gown as a lab coat, bless him. But yes, the grief. Two things have been very heavy on my mind this last couple of days, both relating to my mum (just for a change).
I think the need to keep her happy - which spilt into people pleasing and being responsible for everyone else in my adult life as well - might stem from her suicide attempt when I was four. (((Tupp))) I trust your instincts. I don't remember it at the time, but she told me all about it when I was relatively young - maybe ten or eleven. I think that sense of keeping her happy to keep her alive was perhaps there for a long time. I can remember the pain of losing my dad very acutely and it still astonishes me to this day that literally not one person made the slightest effort to talk to me, comfort me, take my mind of it or do anything at all. I'm aware things were different back then but even so, it seems mad to me that no-one even tried. I'm sure there's sadness, and grief attached to these moments, Tupp. Anger on top would be normal.
I think that links in to my taking it so badly when friends don't keep in touch. I've been thinking about that a lot; it upsets me and bothers me, even when it's friends that I find a bit tiring or difficult to deal with so I don't actually want to spend too much time with them. But I think that lack of reaching out when my dad died, and then my mum's reaction to my cutting off contact with her - has had a lasting effect and I think that's why when a friend makes no effort to reach out or contact me, I just kind of switch off. I think switching off would be one of the healthier ways to cope. I stopped talking to my mum thirteen years ago, and in all that time she's never once reached out to try to talk or change the situation. Part of me is glad of that, because she's so messed up and destructive I couldn't have her in my life. But the fact that my own mum was willing to let me walk away, for no reason other than me refusing to let her destroy us anymore, still weighs heavily on me and I think that's part of where I've got to at the moment. That's crazy to read. It's super crazy to KNOW that truth, and try to make sense of it.
It's so unfair. Crazy making ufair, IMO.
Anyway - as I say, just putting it down so that I don't forget it all. We have a quiet day today - I am loving these quiet days where I can attend to my own needs and not rush around all day. I love having the time to think and reflect, rest or go out, depending on how I feel. It's nice to be able to decide - that's enough - and just put my feet up and not do anymore. I've decided to give myself two full weeks without any paperwork, so everything's just been dumped in a box out of the way and all the unpleasant emails have been swept in to a 'Need to Read' folder. I'll get back to it next week, but I think I'm going to limit it very strictly to two hours a day maximum and that will have to be enough. It will only stop controlling my life if I stop it so I'm going to have to put myself on a timer, I think, sit down, plough through what I can and that will be that. I will catch up with all the other threads soon, thank you for reading :) xx Wouldn't it be amazing to have a happy functional life, despite the paperwork, people, and crazymaking situations? I can see that for you, Tupp. I hope you can visualize it for yourself. Lighter
--- End quote ---
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on July 06, 2019, 08:17:36 AM ---I'm also connecting with the kitchen mess problem Tupp. With Steve here more often - and his different habits/standards - and a revolving door of guests the kitchen is constantly in some state of disorganization. Part of the problem, is people just eating when they're hungry and then running off to do something else and forgetting to clean up after themselves. (He is trying; I've noticed.)
Part of it is also, that we get conditioned to the pictures of "House & Garden" kitchens that have had a pro stylist come in and shift things 1/4 inch (or 5 mm) to make it "just so" for it's glamour shot. It's so PRETTY... ya know? And inviting. And we want that too. LOL. But it is sterile; posed; no life in it. No energy.
And if Buck comes here... all that will change again. Some of Hol's friends work in professional kitchens; I've been able to abandon the kitchen to them completely and when they've moved on to other things, then I go back and put things where I like to find them unless I'm also moving on to the next thing. I'm letting go an awful lot of the OCD/perfection stuff these days. There aren't enough hours in the day for that. And as long as I'm using that time for the important stuff in life... so what? I know I'll have another quiet time to go through and claim my space again.
I am highly territorial about my space - or at least, I have been. To absurd levels. But I'm now sharing a studio with Hol, Steve, and sometimes my house guests... and they have their own habits and needs/requirements for doing their thing. These days, I just roll with it. For me, that's something totally new... but it helps make this temporary living situation do-able.
So much for being a grumpy old hermit.
--- End quote ---
Skep, a professional chef would run screaming from my kitchen :) Lol. I'm one of those people that wants everything to be nice and clean but doesn't want to clean it. I hate cleaning, cooking, laundry, all the domestic chores, but I love it when the house is sparkly and smells nice. Our kitchen is so small that you literally only need to leave a plate on the side and it looks cluttered. Part of the problem as well is my current recycling phase, because I've been saving stuff up with a view to seeing if we can make or re-use things (it's one of my ideas for possible workshops to run with learning disabled people at some point so I wanted to try a few things out). I did find a small fold up table in the shed that I'd forgotten about and it fits down the side of the fridge so I've moved quite a lot of stuff on to that which has helped. But I think I need a chef and a cleaning lady :) Lol. And no, you're not doing too well at being a hermit ;) Lol xx
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