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Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

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Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: lighter on July 05, 2019, 02:37:06 PM ---Oh, Tupp.  So much of your post resonates for me right now.  Keeping up with clear counters in the kitchen, recycling, and paperwork.  There's SO much stress around paperwork, but I'm employing new strategies, and seeing how that goes. 

Remember you can push on a door jamb, with ALL YOUR MIGHT, if you're stuck feeling tense. 

Counting backwards....

Walking backwards, around an item in the room.... all these things done while breathing in, and out slowly, with intention.

Glad things are calming down with college out.  You're a giant, Tupp.  I know most people wouldn't be doing as well as you are.  You're amazing, and resilient, and I can't wait to see the next phaser  for both of us: )

Lighter

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Lighter, thank you xx  I bumped into one of the other parents today and all the mums are tearing their hair out with their kids at home.  I'm the only one who prefers it!  I do wonder if it's because I home educated him for so long; he's very used to getting on with his own projects.  He makes little Lego films, he's working on a comic and a superhero encyclopedia, he likes to read and do 'science' stuff, loves dressing up so he just gets on with whatever he's doing at the time.

I haven't done a scrap of paperwork for two weeks now.  I will get back to it tomorrow but I am just done with it all.  I'm going to work in two hour blocks, four days a week and that's it.  I am going to try very hard not to let it upset me or bother me, or at least to do some yoga or go to the beach afterwards to blow it off a bit.  It's all so unnecessary, I think that's part of the problem.  But I am going to start working through some old boxes of papers that I can scan and then shred.  I was wondering what it would be like not to have the huge bookcase of files in the main room - just to have a unit full of well read books and photo albums.  My home used to be like that but hasn't been for so long now.  So that's a good thing to keep in mind, I think :) xx

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 07, 2019, 03:09:02 AM ---I love Lighter's term for you, Tupp. You ARE a giant, especially on those days when you feel anything but. I'm sorry about your kitchen. You must feel as though you're rearranging peas in a thimble. I hope you are on the list for better housing and if there is any way to move up it...yet even if not, your inner minimalist may help. I wish I could.

Amber, what's going on in your life is just amazing! Will catch up on thr farm thread.

Xxxxxooooo
Hops

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Ha ha, peas in a thimble is about right, Hops!  We are on the housing list but there's such a housing shortage we have very little chance of getting anything off that.  I do keep wondering if I should have stayed where I was as I had such a nice flat there.  I find it hard to feel okay about material things - my mum is so materialistic that I've always been the opposite.  But there does come a point where being comfortable and feeling happy to be home becomes important and I think I've got to that stage now :)  But at least as time goes on we can keep looking for something else and this place is slowly getting better organised so I will probably do my usual thing of moving out just after I get it all really nice :) Lol xx

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: lighter on July 10, 2019, 02:25:59 PM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on July 09, 2019, 04:40:56 AM ---Morning, everyone, I'm very behind on all the threads (again) but am working hard on myself and just wanted to jot things down as I notice them so that they don't get lost in everything else that's going on.  That you manage to find the time to focus on your inner world, and DO that, consistently, takes strength, Tupp.  Again, I'm inspired, and awed by your ability to handle so many things, so well.

I'm amazed at how difficult trying to look after yourself and rest and relax can be.  I'm having to work really hard at not working really hard, which is bizarre. Do you think this is part of the PAT... learning to be comfortable with feelings of pleasure, and safety? There are some things that still need to be done each day, of course, but other than those things I am trying really hard to only do things I want or enjoy doing, and to spend as much time as possible at the beach or snoozing indoors.  I am managing to do yoga most days, which is good, and I'm generally able to find time to meditate as well.  Again, Tupp.  Your discipline, and focus are astonishing.

The anger is still a problem only less so now;I hope you've been able to let someof it flow through and OUT, Tupp.  However you do it, it's something you should allow to COME OUT, and be what it is.  Wherever it's coming from, it's human, and belongs.  I'm hoping you can find a way to honor it, acknowledge it, examine it, and release it. I think having less day to day stress helps as there are fewer things to trigger me off. You're entitled to that very appropriate anger, IMO.  It's safe to process it now.  I hope you feel you can, bc you deserve to access it, and stop stuffing it, if that's something you're doing.  I hope that doesn't sound bossy.
 So sorry if it does, but young Tupp gets to BE angry now, if that's what she needs to be.  It's OK. The out of control dog situation around here is astonishing.  I hate the idea of having to wear noise cancelling headphones OR earplugs, gack, but that might be the best you can do.  People can be so dense, and rude.Someone about half a dozen houses away has huskies that howl, all hours of the day and night, a chorus of them.  One of them was actually at the window yesterday howling at the night sky.  Astonishing amount of noise.  They then set off several other dogs on the same block, the worst of those being the ones next door to us who seem to bark at the slightest noise and then just go for hours.  The owners yell at them, to no effect, and so it continues.  It is blissfully quiet at the moment; it seems there's nothing that can be done as words have been had; the dogs aren't being mistreated so the animal rescue people won't get involved and the local council say it's not a serious enough noise issue for them to get involved.  It is apparently an ongoing problem that's been happening for years and it seems that many people simply move away as there's nothing else they can do.  It always baffles me that anti-social stuff can be allowed to continue and it's the people who are bothered by it who have to move but there we are.  I've come close to driving a neighbor's dog into another State, I have to admit.  Auntie Helen was dying, and suffering, bc the dog next door howled all day, and that neighbor didn't have to hear Auntie H cry, or struggle.  We ended up putting insulation and foam in her window, and it still wasn't much better.  So sorry you're dealing with this.

Anyway - I digress.  Grief is the overwhelming factor for me at the moment; it has knocked me sideways the last couple of days and I wonder if it underpins the anger. (((Tupp)) You've lost so much.  Your father, and the mother/family you deserved.  The safety of protective loving family.  The care and protection of the loving mother you didn't have, but still hope for. The care,  and comfort of adults when you lost your father..... when you were figuring out your son's issues, and how to help him... you needed support, and help.  You have a lot to mourne, Tupp.
  I have felt more grief stricken than angry over the last day or two, although the anger is still present.  I am listening to meditation music that is supposed to help with grief and have been doing yoga to try to stay calm and balanced.  Son is being lovely and keeping himself busy in his room, bless him, he has decided that science is his thing and so has surrounded himself with all sorts of kitchen ingredients to make stink bombs and goo pies.  He's wearing safety glasses and my dressing gown as a lab coat, bless him.  But yes, the grief.  Two things have been very heavy on my mind this last couple of days, both relating to my mum (just for a change).

I think the need to keep her happy - which spilt into people pleasing and being responsible for everyone else in my adult life as well - might stem from her suicide attempt when I was four. (((Tupp)))  I trust your instincts.  I don't remember it at the time, but she told me all about it when I was relatively young - maybe ten or eleven.  I think that sense of keeping her happy to keep her alive was perhaps there for a long time.  I can remember the pain of losing my dad very acutely and it still astonishes me to this day that literally not one person made the slightest effort to talk to me, comfort me, take my mind of it or do anything at all.  I'm aware things were different back then but even so, it seems mad to me that no-one even tried.  I'm sure there's sadness, and grief attached to these moments, Tupp.  Anger on top would be normal.

I think that links in to my taking it so badly when friends don't keep in touch.  I've been thinking about that a lot; it upsets me and bothers me, even when it's friends that I find a bit tiring or difficult to deal with so I don't actually want to spend too much time with them.  But I think that lack of reaching out when my dad died, and then my mum's reaction to my cutting off contact with her - has had a lasting effect and I think that's why when a friend makes no effort to reach out or contact me, I just kind of switch off. I think switching off would be one of the healthier ways to cope. I stopped talking to my mum thirteen years ago, and in all that time she's never once reached out to try to talk or change the situation.  Part of me is glad of that, because she's so messed up and destructive I couldn't have her in my life.  But the fact that my own mum was willing to let me walk away, for no reason other than me refusing to let her destroy us anymore, still weighs heavily on me and I think that's part of where I've got to at the moment.  That's crazy to read.  It's super crazy to KNOW that truth, and try to make sense of it.
 It's so unfair.  Crazy making ufair, IMO.

Anyway - as I say, just putting it down so that I don't forget it all.  We have a quiet day today - I am loving these quiet days where I can attend to my own needs and not rush around all day.  I love having the time to think and reflect, rest or go out, depending on how I feel.  It's nice to be able to decide - that's enough - and just put my feet up and not do anymore.  I've decided to give myself two full weeks without any paperwork, so everything's just been dumped in a box out of the way and all the unpleasant emails have been swept in to a 'Need to Read' folder.  I'll get back to it next week, but I think I'm going to limit it very strictly to two hours a day maximum and that will have to be enough.  It will only stop controlling my life if I stop it so I'm going to have to put myself on a timer, I think, sit down, plough through what I can and that will be that.  I will catch up with all the other threads soon, thank you for reading :) xx  Wouldn't it be amazing to have a happy functional life, despite the paperwork, people, and crazymaking situations?  I can see that for you, Tupp.  I hope you can visualize it for yourself.  Lighter

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Thanks, Lighter.  I cannot tell you how much having all your sane, wise voices responding to my ramblings helps and calms me.  The PAT thing that you mention is hard to cultivate, isn't it, but I'm trying hard every day to be nice to myself, look after myself, not give myself a hard time and also to remember that much of what goes on in my head is only in my head - I can rant away about certain things or people and they don't need to know (I suppose in some situations they do need to know but when I'm in one of my ranty meltdowns I can just keep it to myself).  The hormones do have an impact but I think it's improving; this month has definitely not been as bad as last month was (although that could be to do with less stress because of no college - I'll have to see what happens in September!).

Son has plenty of ear defenders and ear plugs so I've been borrowing them but honestly, there were huskies howling at 4am!  And then at half five next door's dog was barking like mad and the woman screams and shouts at it.  We kept dogs throughout my childhood and of course they all bark sometimes but I've never known anything like this deranged lot.  Dense is the right word!  I might need to grow moss over my ears :) Lol.

I think a happy, functioning life is coming, Lighter :) I think I've stored up a lot of stuff I've not had the time or energy to deal with and it's starting to come out.  That's okay.  Our big thing is done, we moved, he's in college.  It's not going as well as I thought it would but he's happy and this time off (we've still got eight weeks holiday now) is so welcome and I'm hoping that starting this September calm, without a paperwork mountain to deal with and without the lengthy bus journeys that we were doing last year will mean I can stay calmer and happier.  I think we're all going to be alright, Lighter :) xx

Twoapenny:
Just scribbling down what's in my head as I'm quite confused about the way I'm feeling and thinking at the minute and I'm trying to unpick it all so that I can work out what to keep and what to get rid of :)

My feelings about and towards friends are very muddled and I'm trying to pick through them.  I've three friends in particular where I've moved to who I have been friends with for a long time and who, prior to and for a little while after moving, I've always felt very close to.  I thought that moving, at the very least, would allay my loneliness, but it's actually got worse and I've really struggled to understand what's happened.

I think the problem is I've changed a huge amount over the last ten years or so, for various reasons but much of it has been down to a lot of hard work, facing hard truths, cutting difficult people out of my life and so on.  I think the three friends I have down here have a lot of codependency issues, as I used to.  I've not found them very supportive of me over the last few months whilst I've been struggling and very tired.  I've not felt up to being around them (because I find them draining) so I haven't reached out and they haven't contacted me either, which I've felt very hurt or upset by, even thought I didn't feel up to seeing them because I find them tiring.  So that's kind of perplexed me; I'm not entirely sure why I'm upset about people who, if I'm honest, I don't really think I want in my life anymore, not wanting to spend time with me either.  It should make things easier but for some reason I've found it really upsetting.

What I'm finding very difficult is kicking off the past.  I am trying to see these friendships ending as a positive, because it gives me space for new people.  The mums at the group are great; very proactive and they've asked me if I'd like to get more involved in making the group bigger and expanding what we do, which I've said I'd love to do.  I really like the people at the eco group we've been to a few times; again, they're intelligent, engaged and proactive (proactive is a big theme with me, I've realised.  Son is now an adult who is dependent on me.  I also have to look after myself.  I don't have the time or energy to think for other people as well).

We meet a lot of nice people when we're out and about.  We've met nice people at beach cleans, in local shops and cafes.  The lady that's been cutting my hair is lovely, as is the chap that does my son's hair.  The lady in the local health food shop is very sweet.  The acupuncturist and osteopath are both lovely, particularly with my son.  The parents at the local sports group we've been going to are lovely and in general there's a lot going on here; people are busy and focused, there's a lot of outdoor activity and people just seem to be generally more aware of accepting and understanding of disability.  To give one recent example, we went to the cinema at the weekend and the chap who was ticking off the names on the list saw my son's T-shirt (which has the name of a band on it) and said - "oh!  There's a tribute act of them doing a gig at the such and such next weekend".  I know it's only a tiny thing but that's someone we don't know noticing something about my son's interests and giving us some information about something we could go to.  It was a really sweet thing of him to do and little things like that mean such a lot to me.  And we get that a lot round here; people are nicer and friendlier than where we were before.  So I feel that I should be feeling positive and hopeful and focusing on these new opportunities and possibilities in front of us - and instead I'm ruminating on these three friends who I'm not keen on anymore, but I'm upset that they're not keen on me either.  It doesn't make any sense and I keep telling myself it doesn't make sense and to stop doing it - but I'm finding it really hard to shake it off and focus on something different.  Why do our brains make us do the thing that isn't good for us??!!  It's infuriating lol xx

Meh:
Two,

If we find a good friend I think it's like a miracle. To me it seems like a rare thing for a lot of people.

From what I can tell there are many people who are situational friends, classes and work, they come and go.

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