Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
Continuing on the theme of having a reciprocal relationship with myself at the moment, so today I got my back fixed (it feels worse at the moment but that's normal, tomorrow or the next day it will feel fabulous) and then I went to the beach for an hour. I think an hour a day at the beach needs to become my new therapy; just sitting there watching the waves is incredibly relaxing and the beach I've been going to is a quieter one used mostly by surfers so I've got the sand to myself. I put my blanket out and there's a big piece of drift wood to lean against; it's lovely. You walk down from the road so you can't really hear the traffic and there are rocks high up around all three sides so it feels cocooned in. It's lovely.
I had a good meeting with the social worker yesterday and have got together some information for her today and sent it off so will wait to hear back from the funding panel now as to whether the application has been successful = should hear in about three weeks time.
I have reached out to a couple of friends and heard nothing back and I can feel in myself that I am losing interest in them now as well. That's what I find hard - I get to a point where I can't muster up the enthusiasm to see them because of the lack of effort on their side and it just sort of dies off. But - it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about that so will just have to leave it be. The special needs parents have a Facebook group that I've joined and that seems good; they're quite active and sharing information about the various battles which is helpful.
lighter:
I'm glad the meeting with the social working went well.
::crossing fingers for super outcome::.
Your description of the beach is restful, and calm. I want to rest against your driftwood, and listen to the waves too! Stretch those sun warmed muscles!
The friends not getting back to you leaves more room for what comes next. I just have to believe there will be new connection for who Tupp has grown into. Tupp isn't who she was 15 years, 10 years, 5 years ago.
Who is Tupp TODAY, and what does she want?
I don't think you've had time to contemplate that. You hardly have time to breath, and sturdy yourself for the next challenge. As you busy yourself with new interests.... as you discover things older wiser Tupp wants more of.... people will be drawn to you, IME.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 24, 2019, 01:45:55 PM ---I'm glad the meeting with the social working went well.
::crossing fingers for super outcome::.
Your description of the beach is restful, and calm. I want to rest against your driftwood, and listen to the waves too! Stretch those sun warmed muscles!
The friends not getting back to you leaves more room for what comes next. I just have to believe there will be new connection for who Tupp has grown into. Tupp isn't who she was 15 years, 10 years, 5 years ago.
Who is Tupp TODAY, and what does she want?
I don't think you've had time to contemplate that. You hardly have time to breath, and sturdy yourself for the next challenge. As you busy yourself with new interests.... as you discover things older wiser Tupp wants more of.... people will be drawn to you, IME.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
It is lovely there, Lighter, it's my current favourite place. There's a little car park and a coffee hut at the top so I can get myself a coffee and then plonk myself down and absolutely no-one bothers me. No phone reception, either :) Yes, the me now is different to the me of times past so I am trying really hard to focus on what I can do and where I can go rather than what I wish other people were doing :) It is getting easier, I'm finding it easier to focus less on wishing someone would ring and more on what I'm doing tomorrow or which group is on this week. And also starting to enjoy being at home more. There's a really good second hand furniture shop near us so buying bits and doing them up will be a good project; the house still feels higgledy piggledy because nothing really fits but I can slowly replace things that will work better and we won't move anywhere smaller than this so I won't need to worry about whether it will fit another place.
I think Tup today wants real connections, you know? Being able to talk about thoughts and feelings, chatting about books and films and environmental stuff - feeling comfortable enough not to worry about what I'm saying or wearing or doing. It's starting to come, I think the Tup of old was much more focused on pleasing other people. Much less so these days. So yes, hopefully those kind of people will start drawing in.
I will let you know what happens about the social care assessment; fingers crossed! xx
Twoapenny:
I've been thinking more about what I want, Lighter, and trying to notice what I do and just 'see' it as it's happening (as you do so well!) and what I'm noticing is I think that, for many years, I have just filled my life and my mind up with what other people are doing. Not so much in the day to day sense of actual contact but in my mind, I've always tended to look at myself in relation to other people instead of just me - stand alone, what do I want, what am I trying to do. I think that might be why I'm struggling a bit now - I feel a bit unanchored and untethered and it always makes me wonder what to do next. Loneliness underpins everything I do and I think I've always felt lonely, because I don't think loneliness is really always to do with being around people. I've had many periods in my life where I've had a lot of people around me, but I don't think that noise and/or being busy is the same as not being lonely? I'm looking back across my life for connections and there aren't many - a few, and probably the earliest one with my dad, who unfortunately, wasn't around for long. So I think perhaps I tend to fill the void with mental chatter and there is a deep longing for other people and I think what I really need to focus on is the sort of activity I'm doing and where that takes me. I think what I've tended to do is find myself in a situation and then try to ingratiate myself with the people around me - whether it's work, family or just other parents at a group. And perhaps what I need to be doing more is 'doing' what I love and then connecting with people I come into contact with that way, if possible.
I noticed my usual urge (and routine) when I wake up is to fill my head instantly, either with television or online, scrolling through websites, forums, Facebook - all looking for distraction or a sign of some connection somewhere. I also tend to get up straight away, however tired I am. So - I have forced myself back to bed, did come on here as I wanted to write it down before I forgot, but my aim now is to spend as much time in bed today as I can. The tiredness has a lot to do with it, as we talked about in the other thread (I forget which one now), but the way tiredness means you reach for the usual habit because it's more difficult to form the new one. So - I don't have anything I need to do urgently today. I can stay in bed and rest, read, listen to music. And it will be okay xx
sKePTiKal:
Having that quiet time in bed, was recommended to me about 10 years ago Tupp. What I do during that time has changed a lot. Lately, I've been spending the time letting the thoughts rise and drift off and just relax as much as possible into the coziness. Sometimes it's just 15 minutes; sometimes I spend a whole hour that way.
It's just a time-out at the beginning of my day, to connect with ME. And it makes a difference! When I don't have the luxury of that (or healing of it) I'm discombobulated all the rest of the day.
I do get to look out my window, listen to the birds, watch the light change as the sun comes over the ridge... and enjoy the cool thermals that come up off the cliff behind the house. My time to "just be" right there with my self. It's consoling and reassuring and I think, might be assisting my rebuilding of confidence.
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