Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 08, 2019, 03:54:30 PM ---Tupp, I want to apologize for mumbling on about church settings again...it's not appropriate. It's not RELIGION I imagine for you (in any way), it's community and comfort. That's it.
And you're already taking all kinds of steps, from forest groups to a dream of a future gathering place...that are your OWN ideas about community and comfort.
I'm just busting myself about my own urges to fix. I honestly am so grateful for your openness and sharing...you are an inspirational person for me. You speak more truth more often than I ever could. You have a shattering honesty about everything.
Because of my own "Mama Tiger" fantasies, every now and then when I look full-face at your lonely struggle, I feel frantic to fix it. That's not my place, and frantic ain't healthy.
How much? Thinking about your situation, I actually Googled support groups in UK, kinds of things, a couple times. (Can't do it of course without a postal code.) The other day I emailed the contact for a UK humanist organization that offers humanist pastoral care...but only in institutional settings. I asked him if it ever is available in the community, as well. I just wanted to PM you some help, to show you that you could find caring visitors who would listen with acceptance and compassion and break a little light channel through your painful isolation.
But I don't really think it's healthy for me to feel frantic to support anyone. I need to be loving, present, and ready to offer what I can, in this 2-D context.
I promise I'll continue to do that. Just wanted to 'fess up to why I nattered on (again) about church! It's just because it gave me an extended family (trustworthy despite ups and downs) and I ....err... urgently, now that I've renounced franticlly .... wanted you to have that too.
I found just as much, and just as supportive, comfort through a totally secular women's support group here years ago. Alas, feminism in that old-school circle-meeting sense has faded or transmogrified lately into just #MeToo and identity politics. And online. Sigh. When will people rediscover how much it matters to sit in reality with other humans? What I'd found so helpful was just that women could provide amazing strength to each other, regardless of background. It wasn't political at all, and it worked.
Hugs
Hops
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Hopsie, there's nothing for you to apologise for, it's nice that you care enough to go to all that trouble or even think about it and I really appreciate it (and it's a far cry from my 3D 'friends' who don't even bother to text every now and again :) lol). I appreciate the thoughts and the sentiment and I do understand where you are coming from - but I feel like I've turned a corner this last few days and something has just shifted.
I do have a lot of support - it just doesn't match in my head what I think I ought to have TO SATISFY OTHER PEOPLE'S STANDARDS :) I've been reading a lot more recently about autistic adults, who are talking about what would have helped them as kids - and their biggest thing is just having people accept them as they are and not try to change them to fit into something that everyone else considers 'normal'. It's very interesting to read - heart warming because they're reassuring me that I've done right by son by following his lead rather than forcing him to fit in - and interesting to me because I've always felt pressured to be someone I'm not and, as you know, whether I may be autistic myself has crossed my mind recently. So there's been a lot swirling about in my head over the last few days and I realised my frustration comes from trying really hard to have this wide circle of 3D friends around me so that I can prove I'm popular/likeable/acceptable or whatever. And I've not been seeing what I've actually got which is better than that. I've got you guys on here, a stable of strong, reasoned, emotionally astute, compassionate people who've supported me through goodness only knows how many dark patches and cheered me on through good times as well. Lovely Dr G, who provides all of this for us to rattle on endlessly in complete confidence. A couple of amazing 3D, real life friends who are real rocks and I'm very lucky to have them. A couple of other good friends who I enjoy talking to and catching up with. Several acquaintances who are nice to pass a bit of time with every now and again. Various nice people we've met down here since we've moved, several of whom are helping me with my health problems. The college staff are nice - college hasn't worked out for us but the staff are nice and son enjoys going. The kids on our street are nice, very sweet with son, very friendly. The cinema staff are lovely (we're in there a lot!) and there are lots of activities for adults with learning disabilities here so I do think this time next year our situation will have changed. I have been focusing a lot on how I think everything should be and it's closed my eyes to what I've already got. And that shifted this week so I just don't feel so cut off and alone now.
I do still find it hard when friends aren't what I thought they were but I think I said previously that, if I'm honest, I probably wouldn't become friends with some of the people I've known down here for years if I met them now. I've changed a lot, my interests have changed and there are a few people who, if I met them now, I don't think I'd pursue the friendship with. As you said, Hops, let them go with love and thanks for the good times and catch up every now and again if appropriate. It's okay, isn't it?
So nothing for you to say sorry for - it's very sweet of you to go to all that trouble and I appreciate it very much xx xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on August 07, 2019, 02:19:09 AM ---HAPPY NOT GETTING OLDER DAY
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Lol, thanks, G - it was a nice day! Fish and chip lunch with some friends in their caravan, some cups of tea whilst watching it rain - we're British! This is what we do! Lol. And then home for some down time on the sofa. Not getting older day was nice :) Lol xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 07, 2019, 02:59:59 PM ---Currently reading HAPPINESS by Thich Nhat Hanh. My T lent it to me, and I just knew she'd put a book in my hands today. So useful.
I ordered the 3 I listed PLUS the book PEACE IS EVERY STEP by Thich Nhat Hanh.
It's time to practice consistently, and have tools to get me back on track when I struggle.
So many moving pieces, and learning how to put them down, so I can focus on being here, now, is the trick to having control over flipping the ON OFF switch for being present.... being in the zone... etc.
Call it what I have, it's learning to get myself back in the moment, and re set old pathways so THIS is my default.
20 - 60 days of practice.
::BIG BREATH::.
I might journal about this.
I might write about it on the board.
Will see.
Lighter
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I'll add all these to my reading list, Lighter! You'll be busy reading for a while :) I had an interesting chat with the acupuncturist about my current struggles. He practices Taoism so we talked about how that applies to day to day situations. I like the way he explains things. He suggested I write some affirmations, which I'm not keen on because I'm not keen on all the law of attraction stuff. But he suggested just phrasing things in a way that focuses on the qualities about myself that I like so that I put my attention to that more than what other people are or aren't doing - not so much about trying to make certain things happen externally but more about feeling happier in myself and not focusing so much on the lack. It's a balance - isn't it - we need to focus on lack to change things when necessary but focusing too much makes me fall into a pit. I think it's going to be okay. Thank you for birthday wishes :) xx
lighter:
I think it's unhelpful when we're negatively impacted by someone or something....
the word, for me, MEDITATION, was quite triggering, and brought up anger for me, and frustration FOR YEARS. Like a little social club giggling over secrets they wouldn't share, but felt superior about... just maddening, even though it's not the truth. It FELT that way.
A freinamy once spoke about the law of attraction, but she didn't impact me the same way, but I understand. I dismissed it, and went on. It felt like hoo hoo.
My old Martial Arts Instructor practiced isms. Taoism or Daoism as he called it... the way. Not a religion, just a chosen path, and he didn't believe in suffering twice. Only once, then he stopped going over that thing, and if you ever wondered what X felt like.... BAM, he showed you. We stopped wondering in front of him, as classmates.
I can't even think how this T took me around it, and avoided that shutdown. I know she bumped into it later, and just pulled back, and allowed me to HAVE it, unchallenged.. just kept on talking around it, taking little pathways around it, bringing me back to the way I wanted to go... and we both knew that, together. We understood that resistance, and she dropped the rope every time. I understood she dropped the rope, and allowed her to find a different path to lead me where I needed and wanted to be. I really wanted it, is the truth. I surrendered to that desire for change.
With the law of attraction.... you have frustration and anger.... I think. You're entitled to it, and you should have it, hold it, give it space to belong, and know it's a part of you that will always be there.
The law of attraction is one way of explaining something that makes sense to some, but not others.
Fine. It doesn't work for you. Ok.
I understand my brain as a computer. I open a file, and input information. That information will be used in calculations for possible solutions.
It's simple for me. Even if I have unconscious belief systems countering that positive information, I know cultivating the positive or what I want, today, will bring me more of that tomorrow. I'm experiencing it now, and falling short, but it's the mission. I want to engage neurolasticity, gain control over my biology, and brain pathways, and cultivate non judgmental presence in the moment.
That's the game today.
Dropping judgment. Dropping expectation.
I don't really need to repeat things negative people in my life have said, or believed ABOUT ME. I don't want to help them keep those ideas alive inside my brain, and body. I want to see what's real, and what I truly am, outside those beliefs... so harmful, and difficult to challenge once they take up residence in the subconscious.
My truth is my truth. What others think... that's just a story. Sometimes it FEEEEEEEEELS SO REAL, but it's just a story, and I have permission to put them on the shelf, revisit my touchstones, and practice today what I want more of tomorrow.
It's difficult to deal with old trauma, and I honestly don't want to, bc I'm HUMAN. Nobody seeks out that kind of pain. We all spend our time between avoidance, and seeking behaviors. I can get lost in that pain, and confused, if I don't have a framework to handle it, or deal with it, IME. I fall back into old coping strategies and feel lost when I forget. T appointments center me, even if I arrive feeling super bad, I leave feeling super relieved.... touchstones restored, the way revealed, once again.
I have to remember... THE framework for DOING THAT, IME. If I can cultivate the practice of utilizing that framework, even when my default system is blaring alarm bells loudly.... get up under those alarms, and unhook them, consistently, I can change those pathways. I can make it possible for my brain to finish up old business, bc THAT's what the alarm bells are signaling, IME. That I have old business that needs attention. Understanding that.... finding a framework to DO that.... practicing it consistently... makes it possible to get through the old business, file it, and open up possibility for new things, which is the goal for me.
When I try to do that, outside the framework, it leads to muddled thinking, confusion and pain. That's not good. It IS familiar, however, and a struggle not to feel defeat when I'm up against it.
I'm getting better at dropping judgment. Noticing my breathe. Noticing my thoughts, and remembering how to find my framework. I have tremendous peace after my T sessions. The last one was really hard... I dreaded it, then left feeling energized, and relieved... so relieved. To speak my truth, the shame of it, the sadness, and process it with someone who's not judging, and is teachi9ng me not to judge, but to face it. Let it in, examine it, and keep moving. Her revelation, for me, was that under all the emotions, and resistance is desire to feel supported emotionally. To seek it out, and name it. Ask for it.
Feeding negatives into my computer program isn't going to get me more of what I want, IME. It slows me down, and creates a bog situation, IME. Time to stop doing that.
Focusing on the positives... what I want more of.... likely will take me to different places, IME.
I'm trying to do that in everything.... everything. Just drop the judgment, and stop feeling hijacked.
Less hijack, and more autopilot engaging the parasympathetic nervous system... silencing the alarm bells. Just repetition.
::nod::
Yup.
Lighter
Meh:
Fish and chips while watching rain and drinking tea does sound nice.
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