Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on May 25, 2019, 07:35:44 AM ---Having that quiet time in bed, was recommended to me about 10 years ago Tupp. What I do during that time has changed a lot. Lately, I've been spending the time letting the thoughts rise and drift off and just relax as much as possible into the coziness. Sometimes it's just 15 minutes; sometimes I spend a whole hour that way.
It's just a time-out at the beginning of my day, to connect with ME. And it makes a difference! When I don't have the luxury of that (or healing of it) I'm discombobulated all the rest of the day.
I do get to look out my window, listen to the birds, watch the light change as the sun comes over the ridge... and enjoy the cool thermals that come up off the cliff behind the house. My time to "just be" right there with my self. It's consoling and reassuring and I think, might be assisting my rebuilding of confidence.
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Skep, I think it just comes down to new habits again. I struggle to rest when I'm not exhausted and I think that's what I need to do - make myself stay in bed and read if I don't have to be up just yet, make myself sit down in the afternoon and put a film on, give myself an hour in the bath, before I get so worn out I can't manage anything but that. I think that's where I trip up by getting on with things until I physically can't do anymore. I find it hard not to think about the things that are lacking in my life when I'm resting and I think that's part of the problem - the loneliness and sense of isolation finds a way in and that gets me down. So I think it's practising new habits until they become the new normal for me.
I'm re-thinking how I am towards others as well with things like birthdays. I've been looking at the efforts I've made so far this year for other people's birthdays and again, there is a sense of inbalance, although more along the lines of keeping in touch (and by that I mean I can see I've made quite a lot of effort for people that I realised I don't really hear from anymore and who I've given up phoning because they don't call back). Again, I think it's just habit, I hadn't realised I was doing it so I'm going to need to cut back there and have a bit of a re-think.
In other news - I spent almost all day in bed yesterday (or shared between the bed and the sofa) and then bought fish and chips for tea so I didn't have to cook. Couldn't quite face staying in bed anymore today but have had a more leisurely start to the day then usual and am planning on having a quiet, slow and steady day with a trip to the beach this evening. I am very glad it's half term now and we don't have to be out the door at any set time any day next week. The pressure that creates is quite immense and I'm glad this academic year is almost over so I won't need to be doing it for a good while through the summer.
Twoapenny:
Just jotting things down as I think of them or notice them. I did an hour in the garden first thing this morning - just tidying up but I definitely prefer being outside to in and physical work suits me better than brain work, I think. I spent a couple of hours sorting out 'stuff' indoors last night - just reorganising stuff, sticking things in the loft or shed to free up a bit more space indoors, bagging up a few bits for the charity shop or to turn into something else, found a couple of bits I'd been looking for, organised a few more photos for son's 'This is your life' book for his 18th. I like doing stuff like that as well. Defo prefer that sort of thing to paperwork and day to day housework but seem to spend far more time on the stuff I don't like rather than the stuff I do. So need to work on tipping that balance the other way.
sKePTiKal:
A couple of observations/thoughts/resonating recognitions all whisked together this time, Tupp. As you write things down, get it out of your head... I can see them better. Doesn't mean I'm "right" about what I see; but some of it may be useful to you.
Primary connection
I believe (rightly/wrongly) that for most of us, we grow our connection to ourselves via the connection we have with our primary caregivers. I kinda suspect that our foremothers knew this instinctively and that explains the tradition of moms being practically still physically attached to their infants for the first months of their lives. Think papooses, and how comforting it must've been to still be carried by mom, while making the transition to consciousness of the world around the babe.
I believe our ability to trust ourselves and have a measure of self-confidence also derives from that early imprinting. Attachment theory has a lot to say about that, so I won't expound. But doing the work you're doing now, it might be a valuable research project to you. The operative relationship that transfers being totally cared for and protected by the caregiver - to an internalized sense of "being OK" within oneself, come what may - is called "mirroring". Mom reflects back to babe, what BABE is and feels; corrects things that Babe can't fix for him/herself yet; and slowly lets go the responsibility for that over the toddler years as Babe begins to be able to physically operate the world around them.
Imagine how proud babe is of herself, the first time she can pick up a piece of food herself or finds she can throw snack all over herself, the chair and the floor! Later, she learns - oh, that doesn't get the food where I want it > in my face!!
Now, imagine how babe feels if she is screamed at, or hit, or "punished" by being removed from the food, the companionship of caregiver, and is told she is "bad" - over & over for years as she fumbles her first attempts at developmental achievements.
Imagine what happens to babe, if she's never "seen" as being a separate person from mom - with Babe's own feelings, thoughts, habits, personality - and is constantly told she's "just like - mom, when she's "good" and dad, when she displeases "mom". Babe never has the important "mirror" feedback of WHO SHE REALLY IS and that IT'S OKAY to be HER.
If she's lucky, she finds someone else later in life, who can be a clear mirror for who she is and doesn't complicate things, with their own internal crap. (Yes, probably just like I'm doing right now - but you're smart enough to separate the "me" parts out.)
Should is double-edged sword
There are shoulds that come with consequences attached. "I should pay my bills today" comes with the kicker, if the bills are late or simply unpaid. I try to follow those, but I also have to watch that I'm not making them more important than they really are in the general scheme of things.
But all the other shoulds are negotiable; and I ask myself: do I really WANT to do that? (regardless of what other people think is important - and that includes the so-called "balance" in my life; what works and is important to others isn't always on my "need" chart right now) I no longer worry about if I'm "normal", because I'm seeing that I'm enjoying how people are different from each other, way more than how we're alike. Sometimes it works that we want to spend time together; sometimes it doesn't. That doesn't necessarily imply that it's impossible to have a relationship with that person or that circumstances might not alter how we both feel at some other time. Just means it's not going to fit the recipe we've been told (conditioned to expect) "should be" what is.
There are some consequences attached to the 2nd type of shoulds. If I choose not to invite someone over... and maybe Holly's feeling social or restless or has an obligation to someone else... I can find myself alone. But that doesn't mean I'm lonely. I might put off doing certain jobs because I'm a bit anxious about tackling it on my own. (I'm trying hard not to hurt myself, and learn my physical limits.) Or I might be bored, with silence... or not being engaged with other people. But "lonely" only comes to visit me occasionally. I'm just weird that way, I guess.
And even when I don't feel I have any energy at all - I CAN still read and learn something new. Or re-arrange some corner of the room, to allow room for new impressions of the space, etc. (Sometimes, I have to move things back, though... LOL.)
It's amazing to me, some days, how comfortable I am with my self now. I used to find being alone the worst kind of torture and deep down believed I was going to go stark raving mad - a drooling idjit - if forced to be alone for any length of time. Then, I started working with actually drawing boundaries between "times I wanted to be alone" and "times I wanted to socialize" - and that was awkward too. I'd just get comfy one way or the other and the shift would be intense.
Having Holly here - and her spontaneaity and her generation's established "hang out" culture - I've adjusted to a smoother transition between both solitude and groups of people. It might just be having the practice, you know? It takes 5000 repetitions before something new feels "normal" to you; before it's internalized; before it's just what you do... and are becoming.
I'm using me as an example... of the choices; not as an example to emulate. I don't know how to talk about things like this a different way. It's just like Hops & I have different goals in mind in online dating. A lot of our experiences and observations overlap; but we're both going to a different kind of solution that works just for us.
PS, I edited the typos more than once. I find I'm skipping words a lot now when I type. Brain's moving too fast these days.
Twoapenny:
Yes that all makes sense, Skep (and I didn't notice any typos! lol), especially all about not being mirrored by a parent and therefore not learning who you really are. I really see that in myself and have done for years now. The example I often use to explain it was when I read Dr McBride's book about narcissism (which was the first time I'd ever heard of the term and before I found Dr G). One of the sections is a quiz about your personal likes and dislikes - food, clothes, the way you decorate your home, what you watch on TV, films, books, holiday destinations - just stuff about your life. I couldn't answer a single question for myself - I couldn't even decide what my favourite food was. But I knew the answer for my mum on every single question. That really brought home to me how invisible I was to myself, as well as to everyone else, and I guess that's what I'm still working my way through all these years later.
I think the thing with being lonely, for me, isn't that I like being around people a lot (I don't) and it isn't that I don't like my own company (because I do) but I think it's the sense of not being important to (many) people - or at least, not important just as I am, as a human being, rather than being important because of what I do for them. What brings it home to me is times like today, when it's a Bank Holiday. Most people are (a) spending time with their loved ones and (b) out and about doing things because it's a public holiday, the weather's nice and there's lots on. It make me very aware that almost everyone else I know is with the people who are important to them - and that isn't me. And it's not that I expect people to make me more important than their husband or kids or their own parents, or other friends - it's just that it really hits home to me that I just don't have those connections with people. And yes, I do think that's a lot to do with never forming a real attachment with myself, because I just had to be sycophant to mother so that she didn't feel crap and I'm still figuring myself out 46 years later :)
But - I have just sat down and planned out our activities for the month! We've got two groups a week now, both of which I enjoy because the people are nice. We've got two meetings with the sustainability people (one I'll go to on my own, one son will come as well). We're going to a drumming circle next weekend, quite a long way away to a place we don't know so I'm looking forward to the drive and maybe stopping at a new beach on the way home. We'll do cinema and beach trips as usual and we're seeing two places this week that son will hopefully be able to go to with a carer over the summer holidays (just waiting to see if we've been awarded the funding but hopefully it will come through). We've also got another couple of beach cleans and son's college are having their own Prom so he will be off out for the evening. Things are starting to move in the right direction and I think we'll continue to meet more people who are into the same sorts of things I'm into and I think it will all start to get better. It's just hanging on in the tough times that's difficult, isn't it? I think if I focus more on what I can do, rather than who I can do it with, then things will start to get better. I will read more on attachment issues as I think it is relevant and yes, making new habits and breaking old patterns is blooming hard work! Lol xx
sKePTiKal:
Well, you're important to US, Tupp! (We start getting worried if you don't post for awhile.)
I've been by myself most of the day today too. But that's about to change when Hol gets back with former house guest. He doesn't have to work; it's warmer in town and the temps are going way up for the next couple days. I think we're going have a little bonfire... Amazon style.
Got burgers for the fire, and sides already chillin' in the fridge... so not a lot to prepare. Just a quiet evening.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version