Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
lighter:
Yes yes yes, Tupp. You're in position to build new habits, and move forward in safety.
You have room to create, and add worthy relationships. This is possible bc you've questioned and limited past relationships.
Loneliness is a messenger too. This part of your life needed attention.
I don't know why growth is painful, but it is, ime
You have good reason to feel optimistic: )
Lighter
I think you see your future with clarity.
Lighter
Meh:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on August 24, 2019, 05:19:40 AM ---
All this time alone - the isolation, the endless days sitting indoors, not having a circle of people to talk to (I've got you guys but not similar in real life) - all of which gets me down and makes me feel unwanted, is a result of putting boundaries in place and setting myself some standards that I'm not prepared to back down on (particularly in relation to son being around abusive people and so on). And I have struggled with that for years, because it feels like I'm being punished for standing up for myself and doing 'the right thing'.
--- End quote ---
Well community is a pretty basic human need, I think most people probably suffer to a degree without it excluding those men who go off to cabins deep in the wilderness and they still receive periodic visits from a supplier of sorts. I think it's hard to have a tribe in the modern world. People with large intact nuclear families maybe have a tribe. Seniors at senior centers have their community there. Maybe Amish people and very active churches like Mormons who give each other house visitations are in the midst of a community. Everything else in my opinion feels like pop-up and transient style community, co-workers, volunteering. All the community I've ever found really does dissipate after a while. Whatever the secret to maintaining meaningful community is I don't know. I guess people who are at the center of it being the facilitator, leader always have people revolving around them, business owners or something.
I guess if your relationship to community is to bend to anybody else's wishes in order to get alone then yah some time away from that would be a chance to see it from a distance and sort it out I guess.
Thinking about it made me want to look up books just now on community. First book I landed on when actually reading ends up being about ON-LINE community and marketing for it. I'm definitely at home sitting on my computer right now, I think some people fall into this trap because it is the easy thing to do in the city. Some places community is just easier to get involved in because it just exists already, part of the vibe of an area. Literally I used to live in a town where they were still having square dances regularly and young people went to them. It's bizarre and unheard of where I'm at now.
Frankly I often feel like I am at the wrong place at the wrong time consistently. Like I am just trying to get by someplace I don't really belong.
sKePTiKal:
G, I think you'd be a great addition and candidate for small town life! Tupp, is your town a summer tourist mecca? If that's the case, the season is close to hand now, when "local community" revs up a bit because all the tourists are gone. You might find some of those new acquaintances becoming friends soon.
Meh:
Two I think it's harder when you're single and you're trying to do every single thing by yourself. Maybe because of feminism and a culture of you can do it attitude exist people aren't supposed to admit that it's just difficult to do things alone. I think it when people believe they have help just knowing that gives a person energy because they feel like some burden has been taken off their shoulders that they are part of a team and they're contributing but they're not carrying the whole load of everything. And I think when you've been doing everything yourself for a long time a person can just get used to being tired cuz when it accepts the burden. I'm not saying people shouldn't be single or anything. It's not news. It's just stating the obvious but maybe sometimes we have to be reminded of the obvious. I mean if you're single your time your energy your money is just stretched that much more.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on August 26, 2019, 09:59:28 PM ---Two I think it's harder when you're single and you're trying to do every single thing by yourself. Maybe because of feminism and a culture of you can do it attitude exist people aren't supposed to admit that it's just difficult to do things alone. I think it when people believe they have help just knowing that gives a person energy because they feel like some burden has been taken off their shoulders that they are part of a team and they're contributing but they're not carrying the whole load of everything. And I think when you've been doing everything yourself for a long time a person can just get used to being tired cuz when it accepts the burden. I'm not saying people shouldn't be single or anything. It's not news. It's just stating the obvious but maybe sometimes we have to be reminded of the obvious. I mean if you're single your time your energy your money is just stretched that much more.
--- End quote ---
G, all absolutely, true, and I was nodding all the way through your other post as well, about community and how transient it is and how it can be hard to fit in. And maybe that's why we have transient communities now, because we fit in at a certain time - because we work at a certain place, or we joined an art group, or we're at a parenting group with other people whose kids are the same age - and then when the situation changes the friendships don't survive. Maybe that's it. I do feel that a lot of the time connections with other people are about filling a basic need - an unoccupied morning, a bit of solidarity over a shared issue (moaning about the boss, for example), a sense of obligation to say yes to an invitation - and much less about connecting with people on a deeper level and creating something that can withstand distance, changing circumstances, difficult times and so on. I think I need to continue to focus on people's core qualities, rather than what they do or what they say but also to really focus on my own values now and stay true to them - not to bend to fit in with other people anymore.
And yes, being single. I enjoy it. I certainly couldn't put up with a bad relationship now. But I would really like to meet someone who just ticks my boxes and is just an easy fit, you know? Like comfy trousers (or pants, as you guys would say :) ) Lol xx
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