Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
Lol, thanks, Hops, I didn't know the rolling pin trick! Will try that next time, thank you :)
Just jotting down what I'm noticing about stress today and how it affects me.
Felt very ill yesterday - awful headache, sick, very tired. Didn't have anything to do at a set time which is a much better way for me to work - it takes pressure away and means I can concentrate on how I feel, rather than what I need to do. Did yoga frequently throughout the day, drank lots of water, ate regularly and relaxed in the evening and woke up this morning feeling a lot better than I did when I went to bed.
Got up and did yoga, had breakfast, drank water - and felt lots of anger start to surface. I am wondering if I store anger (repress it?), and if that makes me tense, headachey, sick etc. Then the yoga and relaxation stuff starts to let the anger out. Maybe.
It's Monday so I needed to get on with the work stuff that I avoided all weekend so that I could have a break. Have an ongoing email problem that hasn't been resolved, that is only in relation to the email system the local authority insist we use because it's 'secure'. So secure I haven't been able to access any emails for a fortnight so information I need to my meeting this week is still unavailable for me. That makes me start to feel angry, and stressed (other people causing work). Then my mind snowballs, so fast. Friend hasn't replied to a text all week, sister messaged me to say mum is telling people she's coming to visit me, I wish we hadn't moved, we need to leave the country, I haven't got any money, his dad never supported him - it floods through in seconds and is so hard to stop. The noise from the barking dog next door is incessant at this point, as is the noise from the washing machine and son's screeching that he tends to do when he gets up in the morning. I'm assuming the extra stress increases noise sensitivity but I don't know. My urge is to drink tea and eat biscuits - which seems to numb me a bit and make me start to calm down? I'm not sure why that is but they are two things I'm trying to avoid too much of at the moment because of the sugar and caffeine. So craving them because I'm having less of them? Or craving them because the chemical reactions of the sugar and caffeine will numb my brain a bit and make everything easier to cope with? I'm not sure. Will have to keep observing and see what comes up.
Stomach is very painful now, neck and shoulders very sore (particularly left shoulder) and chest pains have started. Will do yoga when I get home later to try to wind everything back down again but honestly guys, I feel like I just want to go and live in the middle of nowhere with nothing but books and an army of pets around me.
Hopalong:
Morning anger > stress mounting > noise > pain.
How horrid, Tupp. I wish your sensitivity to noise-stress (can't imagine what it does to Son) could qualify to get you on a list for different housing. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you. Just READING it made my shoulders tighten!
I remember when you first moved, there was a plan to be in the house for six months (because you knew it wasn't pleasant or spacious enough) and then move to a better one. Are you still on the list for a change in housing? Or was the information you were given about how the process worked in your new city incorrect?
As to your sister, did you ever manage to say plainly to her: Do Not Mention mother to me. At all. It triggers me into a bad state of stress. (And then if she ignores that request, block her.) I thought that was the plan...
I'm so sorry Tupp. I wish I could help.
Sending comfort, courage (well, you already have that, champion level) and calm...
Hugs
Hops
PS I also think of how incredibly helpful your post would be to a T. Hand it over, give them a few minutes to read it. Can't imagine how meanginful that would be. You write so well that one understands instantly all you're trying to cope with. And then the T can direct the session very intentionally into what might help.
Can you still access a T? You deserve that concentrated help.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 23, 2019, 10:37:43 AM ---Morning anger > stress mounting > noise > pain.
How horrid, Tupp. I wish your sensitivity to noise-stress (can't imagine what it does to Son) could qualify to get you on a list for different housing. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you. Just READING it made my shoulders tighten!
I remember when you first moved, there was a plan to be in the house for six months (because you knew it wasn't pleasant or spacious enough) and then move to a better one. Are you still on the list for a change in housing? Or was the information you were given about how the process worked in your new city incorrect?
As to your sister, did you ever manage to say plainly to her: Do Not Mention mother to me. At all. It triggers me into a bad state of stress. (And then if she ignores that request, block her.) I thought that was the plan...
I'm so sorry Tupp. I wish I could help.
Sending comfort, courage (well, you already have that, champion level) and calm...
Hugs
Hops
PS I also think of how incredibly helpful your post would be to a T. Hand it over, give them a few minutes to read it. Can't imagine how meanginful that would be. You write so well that one understands instantly all you're trying to cope with. And then the T can direct the session very intentionally into what might help.
Can you still access a T? You deserve that concentrated help.
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops :) The original plan to move again in six months was based on my assumption that I'd be working again once son started college. That hasn't happened (at the moment I feel even further away from working than I did before!) so that's caused a money problem. We're on the list for housing but it's a very long one. I could start getting doctor's letters about stress, noise etc but it's a slightly dangerous game to play because once you get past a certain point of need you lose the right to choose. They offer you a place and you either have to take it or go to the bottom of the list again. So we might get offered a place sooner but it could be in a worse area, or up several flights of stairs, or not allow pets. So it's a bit of a gamble. I have learnt my lesson and absolutely don't want to move anywhere now where I'm making do because I don't want to be fed up with it again in a matter of months so we're probably better off waiting until I'm earning again and we can choose somewhere nice - but we'll stay on the housing list in the meantime and something might come up before then anyway.
Sis and I did talk about my mum but I did decide that I would prefer to know if she's circling the area. I thought about it and decided I feel calmer knowing she 'might' be around than never knowing when it might be so I've asked her to tell me if she knows she's down this way. It does still trigger me; I think anything about my mum will still trigger me. But we don't really talk about anything else to do with her now. The possible bonus of her coming down here is that, if I know in advance next time, I could go back up there to catch up with old friends knowing she's away :) Lol, that would work well for me :)
No T, I can't afford one at the minute and to be honest the last few I've been to have put me off (as Dr G writes about in his book!). None seem to understand my son's situation and I've felt they take the view that I'm overprotective of him. I remember the last one telling me he wouldn't be in education for ever, which is true, but he will be disabled forever and so will always need education in one form or another - we all do, really. But his education does need to be specific to him and she didn't seem to understand that. So that frustration of explaining things and not being 'heard' (again, as Dr G writes about) really bothers me and sets me back quite a way. I also feel that a lot of counseling now, at least here in the UK, is very centred on mindfulness, positive thinking and all that sort of thing which again, as we've talked about on here, often feels like victim blaming and to me is teaching people to tolerate abusive relationships by changing their responses to abusive behaviour, which I think is wrong. (My thinking here is that dealing with the Local Authority is like being in an abusive relationship - the gaslighting, deceit, tacit abuse of disabled children by denying them education, healthcare and so on). So I don't think parents should be taught how to cope with that; to me that's like teaching a battered wife how to curl up to protect herself from a beating and I think it's wrong. So I don't think therapy is really for me anymore. Have done it on and off for twenty years and certainly in the early days it helped a lot. But these days I think I get much more sense out of all of you than I do from a therapist and you all know my background so I don't have to explain it every time :)
You do help :) You all help, so much, more than I can ever put in to words. I can never say how grateful I am for this forum, it is my rock in a mad world :) xx xx xx
Twoapenny:
Just posting as I think of things again :)
Stress is clearly an issue but I am managing it better and I am starting to feel that I can see an end in sight :) I've started working on the Personal Budget for son (this is what will mean I can carry on getting educational support for him at home and go back to organising a lot of the work for him myself). It is a lot of work to get the budget in place (the paperwork is phenomenal) but I've found some good sources of support, have printed loads of stuff off the internet and have a meeting with someone this week to get advice and get the ball rolling at my end. There's also no rush for it now - I work with him at home regardless, so if this isn't in place when he finishes college it won't make a huge difference, I'll just do it anyway. It will just mean me forking out for things he needs rather than the local authority paying for them but I've done that all his life anyway so it will work. Feel like we have a Plan A and a Plan B, which is good.
I have got various complaints I need to organise and put in; the good thing about those is that working through the procedures for the Personal Budget will mean I do a lot of work for the complaints at the same time (as the complaints are about people not following procedure). So it feels manageable now, which is good.
I am nearing a point where I feel I will need to tell friends that I feel let down by them. The nice lady from group has been reaching out to me for coffee and lunch dates. I realised that I feel reluctant to put any effort into making friends now. I don't feel that I judge situations well enough, as is shown by my constant surprise when friends vanish from my life. I realised that there are two things I want. The first is to be around people who enjoy my company enough to want to make the effort to have it. The second is that, during times when my company isn't so great, because of my situation at home, I want people who care enough about me to reach out anyway, even if it's just by text or email, even when I can't see them and am not up to talking to anyone. It isn't an endless situation in my life - I'm not always down and unapproachable. But I do feel incredibly let down that over this last six months or so - which quite frankly have been the hardest I have been through - I have friends who not only didn't notice I'd fallen off the cliff, but who also didn't care to take the time to try to help me back up again. I do feel I'm getting back up again, but it hasn't been down to any of them (it's been down to you guys and a lot of investment in my health and preserving my sanity). I feel that my anger has lessened. I'm probably not quite ready to talk to any of them about it yet but I feel like the time is coming when I will need to say something. I do feel I need to say my bit and I'm not concerned about whether or not they think it's okay. That's new for me so I'm going to sit with it for a while and see if that feeling stays.
Also feel I need to try and simplify by working on one big thing at a time. I feel that I constantly need to juggle all the balls all the time. All aspects of our life need improvement and I feel like I should try to work on everything simultaneously. It doesn't work, so I feel I need to keep focusing on health (I'm really noticing the difference yoga makes now and am trying very hard to do it morning and evening). I need to deal with this paperwork, sort son's education plan out and do all these complaints - and then put this very unpleasant phase of our lives behind me. Then I need to concentrate on getting some sort of income and once that's in place we can start looking for somewhere new to live. I've seen a beautiful place, a two bedroom cottage with a wood burning stove that's in the middle of nowhere. Huge garden, absolutely surrounded by fields and only £20 a month more than we pay now (about $25, I think). There's no way we could move at the minute, just too much else to do and organise, but that's exactly the sort of place that I love so I'm keeping that in mind as my goal, to give me something to focus on.
The other thing that has crossed my mind is whether, once son's educational provision is finished here (age 25), he and I could house sit globally? I've read about people doing it, just sitting in other people's houses while they holiday or go away for work placements or something like that. I don't know much about it but it occurred to me that we might be able to travel the world that way. Might be pie in the sky but it's something else I'll look into in due course.
That's all for now! xx
Hopalong:
Wow, ((((Tupp))).
In addition to big stress, it also keeps striking me that you have big vision.
That you still dream, have deep imagination, and remarkable resilience (as I sit here comfortably with an iota of the load you carry) is incredibly inspiring to me. Thank you. You'll never know how valuable your story here is to others, but I just want to say it.
I SO wish that beautiful cottage could be yours tomorrow. And more.
When I talked about a T I was thinking of the compassionate one you trusted in your previous city. It seems WRONG to me that a person living with all that you carry isn't helped by access (and financially supported access) to a therapist. But if wishes were horses, we'd all be riding.
I am awed by your determination, your courage, and the fact that when you fall or sink, you get up or swim. There's enormous depth to you. You have character where it counts, in spades.
Be proud of yourself today. Truly proud.
hugs
Hops
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