Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 30, 2019, 04:09:27 PM --- Seems this is an important piece of the puzzle, (((Tupp )))
Light
--- End quote ---
Lighter, I really think it is! A friend messaged last night to ask a favour - first time I've heard from her in weeks. Even just a few days ago I'd have been so upset and gone into my "see, people only call you when they want something" mode. But it genuinely didn't bother me, I just feel sort of, "okay, this is a 'get together for a coffee and drop in from time to time friend' rather than the really deep connections I want" - and that's okay. I can have friends I don't make a massive effort with, either. I think that's what's changed, I've suddenly realised I don't have to put a lot of effort in, either, and I think in the past I've always put a lot of effort in, no matter what. That's not reciprocated and then I get down. But I can have 'coffee' friends and save my energy for the deep and meaningfuls (and the favour she asked is tiny and I'm doing the same thing for myself anyway so I don't mind doing it for her as well as it's not an effort so all good :) ) xx
lighter:
We file people in our hearts and minds, according to their trustworthiness, and kind of contact we'll have, or not have.
I'm trying to feel more confident about these choices. I don't want to feel I MUST justify them, to anyone. Including myself. There's a certain amount of angst, and internal struggle for me, particularly when .
I can't please everyone. I might as well make sure I'm pleased.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Well the last couple of days have been interesting (and useful!) from an observational point of view :)
We went to visit a council run day centre yesterday, with a view to son spending a day a week there over the summer holidays. It was awful and I wouldn't leave the cat there, let alone him. I then came home and called the care agency we're supposed to be using for support and discovered no-one there has any experience with son's particular type of seizure and no-one is trained to use the rescue meds he might need if he starts seizing when he's with them. They would call an ambulance, who would then decide whether or not to administer or take him in to hospital - all of which is completely unnecessary and could potentially leave him fitting for an hour or more, when the rescue meds stop the seizure within minutes and I carry them in my bag (as should anyone else who's looking after him).
But it didn't make me want to jump off a cliff, as so many things have done over recent months. I gave it a bit of thought and decided that my best bet is to focus on his next review (which is early next year and will change everything because he'll be assessed as an adult rather than a child, which is a whole new set of legislation, different requirements and so on, so everything will change again), rather than continuing to battle through with this one, which has basically been a waste of time so far and I will get everything done just in time for his review to go through when it will all change anyway. So - I let it go. I've asked the social worker if she could try to get us some funding just to pay for days out over the summer holiday but I will focus the next six months on putting together a really good package for him, finding good quality carers who can give him the care he needs and preparing for court (just in terms of knowing what the options are if we have to fight it all again) and from now until his 18th birthday I just want to focus on resting and enjoying the day without any drama. It felt good to refocus, accept that it's not worth battling on now and instead recircling the wagons to prepare for the next stage.
This afternoon we went to see another place that he might be able to go to and it's absolutely lovely. A lovely couple bought a small farm a few years ago and have transformed it into a place for adults with learning difficulties to care for animals, grow food, do art and craft indoors on bad weather days and enjoy picnics when it's sunny. They've got a small swimming pool that the clients can use as well. We're doing a volunteer day there in a few weeks' time and then I'm going to take him over there during the summer holiday to get him used to the place. They need more volunteers so I'm going to find out if I can volunteer with them once son's package is sorted and I don't have to be available all the time. That's the sort of set up I like - it's outdoors, the people are lovely, there's plenty to do and it's just right up my street. So I want to focus more time doing that sort of thing now.
Then we went to feed a friend's pet for them while they're away and the pets haven't been left in very good condition - not animal cruelty stuff but a bit thoughtless. Ordinarily I would have stayed with them for ages, texted friend asking should I do this, should I do that - but I thought, no, it's not for me to sort out. And I came home and I don't feel bad about it. Something in me has shifted and it's very interesting to see!
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 31, 2019, 01:01:10 PM ---We file people in our hearts and minds, according to their trustworthiness, and kind of contact we'll have, or not have.
I'm trying to feel more confident about these choices. I don't want to feel I MUST justify them, to anyone. Including myself. There's a certain amount of angst, and internal struggle for me, particularly when .
I can't please everyone. I might as well make sure I'm pleased.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
You were writing at the same time as me, Lighter :) Lol.
Yes, I think I've always felt very compelled to behave like everybody's best mate and be available for them and do things for them. And now I'm just thinking, actually, it's okay to meet someone for a coffee every now and again and it doesn't need to be anymore than that. And you're right, you may as well please yourself rather than trying to keep everyone else happy lol x
Meh:
That's too bad about the day center. Would have been a social opportunity for both of you maybe.
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