Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
It just started raining! Oh my goodness, Lighter's controlling the weather! Lol xx
lighter:
I wish it would rain here too, Tupp! I spend an hour watering thirsty moss every day, and it seems like it was raining daily here for a year! I want it happy, and amazingly green when company arrives!
lighter:
It rained this afternoon. Out of the blue.
Maybe I can control the weather; )
About the ADD, Tupp. I always knew I had SOMETHING. Knowing what it is doesn't change anything. No one wants to give me a drug, and I'm not asking for one. I'm betting on the neurofeedback to help.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Lol, well if you can control the weather figuring out ADD should be a breeze ;) The thing I've found helpful with son's diagnoses is that it gives you a starting point when doing your own research. It's just a good base to start from when looking into ways of helping yourself and making life work a bit more smoothly.
Speaking of which - I had an awful day yesterday, really down and lonely, felt suicidal again which surprised me because we'd had such a nice day the day before and have generally been having a better time of it. My little brain has been working overtime and I had another lightbulb moment, and I'm starting to wonder if these bouts of me feeling suicidal are some sort of signal that some deep shift is going on, because once the lightbulb moment arrives the suicidal feelings go. Almost like it's the death of some previous thought pattern moving out to be replaced by a new one or something. Weird. Anyway - I was thinking about habits and how we tend to go to old, often unhealthy patterns when tired, stressed, unwell and so on. It's something I do a lot, and something that bothers me a lot. Lack of sleep and rest is a big problem for me; four to six hours a night is average which just isn't enough. And I think tiredness in me is quite subtle; it manifests in my thought processes and overall mood rather than yawning and wanting to sleep.
I decided to try to work on one health problem at a time, with rest and sleep being the first one. I wanted to try to stay in bed for eight hours, even if I wasn't sleeping (I try this a lot and never manage more than a day or two; the stress of all the things not getting done gets the better of me and I get up). But decided to try again and whilst sitting in bed, drinking tea and listening to music, started thinking about supportive aspects of my life - supportive people, supportive places, supportive activities. I started making a list, and it's quite long. I have a good number of supportive people in my life (and by supportive I really just mean people who don't drain me and wear me out, it doesn't even need to be that they do anything for me, just that they don't take too much). We have a good number of lovely places to visit near us, all easy to get to, by bus if need be. And there are many activities I can do and like doing that I can do at home without spending any money. And I was looking at this list and wondering why, when I do have all these supportive aspects, I so often feel so unsupported and alone. And what I realised - here is the drum roll - is that I tend to constantly go back to the things that don't support me. When I'm down I contact people who treat me like shit, or I scroll through Facebook looking at everyone else's wonderful life whilst ruminating on my own. Instead of getting out somewhere lovely nearby, that doesn't cost a lot, I stay indoors punishing myself for not being good enough to be heading off on an exotic holiday or attending some lovely concert or something. Instead of making myself a healthy fruit plate and settling down with a good film or book, I watch crap on telly and stuff my face. And I realised I'm in an abusive relationship with myself. I've cut ties with abusive people and obvious abusive habits - but I've just replaced it with self abuse and an endless round of putting myself down and berating myself for not getting it right. I stopped other people doing it and just started doing it myself instead. I hadn't even realised I was doing it to any great extent but there I am, getting in my own way, stopping myself from getting on with what I want to do and the people I want to do it with. Why oh why do we do this to ourselves??!! It's so maddening when you see something and realise how obvious it is - although you couldn't see it before.
Anyway - with this new revelation in mind, I have got my list of supportive people, places and activities and I am going to try really hard to refer back to it throughout the day to try to get my mind retrained to automatically reach for things and people that help and nurture, rather than heading back to the things that don't time and time again. Amazing that our brains can be so brilliant and so daft at the same time :) xx
Twoapenny:
I'm wondering if the negativity gives me energy in some way? I forced myself to spend three hours in bed and not get up until 9am. Very difficult; I was trying to relax by writing a bit, reading and listening to music. My brain shoots to some sort of argument or imaginary battle, always involving me defending son in some way, listing the way his problems affect him, thinking of ways to get him away from people, imaging a defence in front of a child protection council. None of it necessary or useful right now. But it kept happening and when it did I felt a shot of energy going through me and I wonder if that's what I've been doing; firing myself up to get through the day by giving myself a shot of adrenaline. I've kept pushing myself away from it and tried to refocus on something supportive and nurturing but it does make me feel absolutely worn out and shattered. How very odd. Will keep observing and writing down so I don't forget :) Fortunately we only have four weeks of college left and then ten blissful weeks of being able to focus on us, rather than running around all over the place.
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