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Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

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Twoapenny:
Just responding quickly, Hops, as what you said made me think but it's nearly bed time and I'm too tired to answer all the replies lol, but didn't want to forget what popped into my head :)

I think with me, when it comes to help, if it is something specific ("can you babysit for me for an hour, could you pick him up from college, can we borrow that new DVD from you") then I can and do ask for help.  I think for me, what I need in my life now are those people who, when I'm up to my eyes in paperwork, struggling with menopause symptoms, detesting my house, feeling lonely, wishing I was ten years younger and just in that doldrum space, say "is there anything I can do?".  Who don't need to wait for me to ask, because they're perceptive enough and aware enough that things are really difficult.  And I think those sort of people who just ring for a chat or send me a silly text message to cheer me up or a link to an article they think I like, those little thoughtful things - I think it's that difference between people who need to be told things are difficult and asked for specific things and people who get that it's tough and just offer an ear or a bit of time without me saying anything.

Anyway I think that is all my thinking for now!  I'll think some more through the night, I'm sure, I'm off to bed now.  Night night and will reply properly tomorrow :) xx

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---what I need in my life now are those people who, when I'm up to my eyes in paperwork, struggling with menopause symptoms, detesting my house, feeling lonely, wishing I was ten years younger and just in that doldrum space, say "is there anything I can do?".  Who don't need to wait for me to ask, because they're perceptive enough and aware enough that things are really difficult.
--- End quote ---

I hear this to my toes, Tupp. I'd say I have one solid, and one almost so, people in my life now who check in. I basically feel as though these are the kinds of people I have a line to, and vice versa. Really, only one of them has that level of sensitivity; the other reaches out from loyalty and habit but isn't very empathetic.

The first one is very likely to move away within a year or so; the second doesn't take care of her health. So I'm very aware that even these kinds of good friends are not permanent nor guaranteed. And I do feel a need to always have more than one or two people in my life I trust at that level.

So...I think my basic thing still applies. My worst isolation developed when I basically didn't ask for what I needed, and I am positive it could happen again. Even now, I think, when meeting new people who might be compatible, there is always the chance to create a new and meaningful connection.

The thing that I believe helps filter those who might say "I've been thinking of you and know what you're going through; is there anything I could do?" is for me to say what I want from the beginning. And that means I need to tell people how I'm doing in my life, including biggest joys and biggest burdens. If that includes one day soon after meeting saying exactly what you said (symptoms, house, son, lonely) then I think I have to do it, rather than hope they'll guess, or hope they'll be that kind of perceptive person.

And then I get information in return. If they pull back, I know they're not looking for the same kind of friendship as I am. If they stay steady or step a little closer, maybe we're going to be able to become real friends and support each other.

All in all, I still think me getting what I want involves expressing it, which isn't necessarily asking one individual directly, would you be that sensitive friend who reaches out? But asking the universe for it by developing a pattern of being open and risking a No, while I repeat what is true for me. Because I have a right to be real.

And so do you. Nobody's all the same and your way of approaching all this will be right for you and true to you. I hope so much that if you do risk vulnerability and a few Nos, you'll soon find a true heart who also needs a friend, saying YES.

Because that would be one of the smartest Yeses that person has ever uttered.

love
Hops

Twoapenny:
I think that's true, Hops, and I am finding it easier with new people to be honest about my life.  One of the things that's always made it hard for me to admit any kind of struggle was the fear of it getting back to my mum, and that in turn getting back to social services.  I think that's underpinned a lot of stuff.  And I find the pain of speaking my truth, and having it dismissed or ignored, so difficult to cope with.  When my son was very ill, possibly terminal, and all I could do was wait to find out, the first two people that I told were so dismissive that I didn't tell anybody else.  I just couldn't cope with my fear that he was dying, the practicalities of his day to day care and the real lack of emotion from other people (not even a gasp of "Oh my God, that's terrible!".  Just almost no reaction at all, and certainly no "can I do anything to help?").  So I think all of those things have contributed but I am having better responses from new people I'm meeting now - more concrete.  I think something else I used to do was just be friends with someone because they wanted to be - I didn't stop to consider whether I wanted to, I was just always so grateful that someone liked me.  I don't feel like that anymore, I can be more detached and take my time and ask myself whether or not this is what I want.  So I think that's an improvement.

I do wonder as well if I'm just over thinking it and it's really more that life just changes and people change (or don't change!) with it.  I was talking to a friend yesterday who's in a similar situation to me (son who will require life long care) and we were both saying that we feel only other people in the same situation really get it.  She said she's just kind of gone off friends as time's gone on; she still sees them from time to time but they're not really on the same wave length any more and that's just how it is.  So perhaps that's just an element of it, things have just changed a lot and other people haven't changed in the same way that I have.  Probably a mixture of all those things.

Twoapenny:
Just writing more things down here so I don't forget it later but boy, I am feeling so tired and drained at the moment.  Had a very frustrating conversation with the new social worker this afternoon - son will turn 18 next year so will transfer to adult services so they set the wheels in motion now, the idea being that the assessments are done in time for his birthday so we aren't left hanging without support (not that we have any support at the moment but that's the theory, anyway).  Which all makes a lot of sense and I'm glad about but I wanted to get a bit of basic information from her about time frames - how long the assessment takes, if it's more than one assessment, does she need other evidence re education and health, how long between doing the assessment until we get a budget proposal and so on - simply because I have got so much else on at the moment that I need to arrange things in the right order to make sure timings coincide and we get things through at the right times (some assessments link in to other assessments and his benefits all change again next year so we need evidence for that which has to be within a certain time frame and so on so making sure things get done at the right time keeps everything moving and avoids drama, which I really like :) ).

Was like getting blood out of a stone; she was very reluctant to give me any information and just kept repeating that she'd be doing an assessment and would tell me everything then - didn't seem to understand that I need some basic information about her role so that I know where she fits into the puzzle.  I got there in the end and the assessment is now scheduled but for five months later than she wanted which just shows that you need these conversations to make sure things are done at the right time - if she'd done it this month we'd have been out of date for some of it and would have to do it again.

That was exhausting and then we had a meeting at college about son's education plan - again, because we're heading back to court, I wanted to check what was and wasn't being provided, see what's still outstanding and who is responsible for it, as well as starting to plan what needs to happen next year because again, it all changes and things that are currently funded by education are taken over by social care so different assessments need to be done.  Found out that something that should have been done hasn't been, not a huge deal but it throws a bit of a spanner in the works and means another email to the solicitor to check their proposal is accurate, and throws out some other assessments I'd penciled in.

I'm not going to throw in the towel in a big huff about it all but it really isn't worth all the work and effort I'm having to put in, or the restrictions on our time because of having to limit what we do ourselves so he isn't too tired for college.  Son is not particularly enjoying it anymore either; I think the novelty has worn off and he's feeling tired and finding it stressful at times.  We've got a number of options so I'm just going to take my time doing research and figuring out possible scenarios and working out what to do next.  But the workload is huge and very frustrating and the stress is taking a real toll on me.  I got off the phone feeling sick, had a banging headache by the time I got to college and then started sweating profusely because my anxiety was up so high.  I think a bit of soul searching and some honest conversations with myself and other people is needed over the next few months :) xx

sKePTiKal:
Tupp, I think all students get a bit stressed and overtired of school at the end of their first year. It's a normal thing when you're ready for a break. College is a big leap into a whole new landscape for freshmen - and for your son, having been homeschooled, he's also navigated a new world. Bet he starts missing his classmates in about a month!

That system of care support you're dealing with sounds like an absolute nightmare. Intentionally obtuse, even. How many assessments need to be done, before the Powers that Be read the previous ones? Not having any experience with that kind of thing that would be helpful, I'll just sit here and marvel at your skills in managing it all.

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