Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on June 17, 2019, 03:36:04 PM ---Hi Tupp:
DD is doing great. SO much better than I did when I had mine out, for sure. She actually went roller skating today, and wants to go work out. There's a tad bit of bruising on the left side, but the swelling is going down.
I had a wonderful session with new T today. I really liked her. I'll share more about that on a new thread.
Glad you had a nice conversation with the other mom. Taking turns, give and take.... that's the way it's supposed to be.
:: nodding::.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
That's great that she's recovering so quickly, Lighter! Really good news, and about the new T as well, I look forward to reading about that. Yes, nice conversations, I like them, it's nice to come away from people energised rather than feeling exhausted. Turn taking is good :) xx
Twoapenny:
Well, a general update :) I've pared down what I try to do each day and it's amazing how much of the day is just taken up with the mundane, day to day stuff. Very little time for anything else. I'm focusing on cleaning the house at the mo and will hit the paperwork again once that is done (always feels easier to tackle paperwork when the house is clean, for some reason).
Son and I have been talking about next steps and at the minute I/we are looking at him doing another year at college and then switching to a home and community based programme again. He's interested in starting a blog so I've suggested to him that we sort through his room, sell or rehome anything he doesn't use anymore (he's very keen to earn cash so he's up for selling a bit - although not much!) and then using his toys and books for ideas for him to write about things for his blog, maybe making little Lego videos to demonstrate things as well. He's keen to do that so I think that will be our summer project. I've found a great place locally that does tech based courses for kids who aren't in school so I'm going to contact them and see if there's a way of getting son involved with that. We've talked about ideas for his bedroom to free up a bit of space and streamline things a bit and I might see if I can talk him into getting a new bed - his current one is really for a teenage boy, not the great big bloke he now is and I'm constantly worried that it might collapse at some point. He's up for doing things which is good and he has a party tonight, which he's looking forward to.
I'm going to concentrate on getting him sorted out, trying to look after myself the best I can and just putting my feet up more. I'm blooming tired lol xx
Twoapenny:
I've seen the social worker this afternoon. Lots going on in my head at the minute and I am trying to 'do a Lighter' and just observe :) But I wanted to talk through it here and I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions you all have :)
Appointment has been booked since last week. Have spent the last few days feeling awful - agitated, tired, stressed. It's quite subtle and underlying rather than raging through me. Have taken my supplements, CBD stuff, done a bit of yoga, read my book, tried to rest and have feet up which has probably all helped but didn't take it away completely. Was thinking it was to do with pre menstrual stuff as well but most of it has gone since leaving the social worker's office so I think it is more a PTSD type thing (not self diagnosing with that but more trying to make the point that it seems to be a physical reaction to an old trauma that's triggered by a new event, even when the event itself isn't likely to be traumatic).
Not really sure how much else I can do about that. I stopped seeing the previous counsellor because I didn't feel she understood son's disability or the demands of providing such constant care and the cost was crippling me as well (if I felt she'd really got it I'd have tried to find a way through but it didn't feel like it was worth spending the money). I have got my name on a waiting list for local counselling through a charity which is cheaper but obviously there is a long waiting list and with son out of college through July and August it will be September before I can see anyone so still a way to go. Although saying that hopefully this is the last time I'll have to see anyone from SS until November so perhaps it won't be an issue again until then anyway. Waffle waffle.
I find it hard to be friendly and welcoming to them and I'm trying not to force it. I've been polite but I feel that the social worker hasn't been completely open with me about the situation. It has transpired the bulk of the weekly payment is to pay for a carer. I had already explained, more than once, that care really needs to be provided at home but this is not what they do; the government has decided that children must be cared for away from their families, even if that makes them ill. So we can't access what they've agreed funding for. They have agreed to pay for some activities for him over the summer, which is a help, but it isn't a fortune and they will only pay the activity cost itself - there's no help with fuel, parking, or equipment hire, for example, which I will struggle to pay for so that will restrict the activities we do, as will the fact he gets tired easily so activities tend to need to be quieter (which they won't be so much over the summer as everyone's out and everywhere gets busy). So I'm back in my usual situation of (a) feeling like no-one gets it, no-one has listened and no-one has been clear with me about what they're doing and (b) feeling very frustrated that there's a pot of money sitting there that would really help son with at home activities and at home carers but we can't access it.
I don't think there's anything practically I can do about this now; my focus is on the adult services assessment and switch over which is the next thing and I think it best to focus on that rather than worrying about this. I'm not meaning to sound ungrateful either; I am grateful for the help but frustrated that there's more money available, but not for anything that would actually help us. So I am again feeling that I just can't work within this system without it making me sick, which I want to avoid.
And that's probably it! It felt like a lot more than that when I started writing lol, but the stress is going just because it's done now and I'm not thinking about it.
Twoapenny:
I think the main problem is I can't cope with the huge surges of adrenalin that are created when I have to deal with any of this which is then followed by a huge slump that can last for days afterwards. I'm utterly destroyed today - exhausted, sick, my head is pounding, my back hurts, my chest pains are frequent, it's hard to think or do anything other than keep re-running the entire events of yesterday over and over. I've got things I can do today to help me get back to normal but when you take this and the days preceeding this of feeling so ill I've lost about four days overall, from a workload that is enough to keep four people busy. All through having to interact with people who I just can't fathom out. Anyway - nothing more to say. I think I just need to focus on the legal side and the change to adult services when (I think) I can just be given the pot of cash to pay for carers and organise it all myself anyway. That is probably the best way to go about doing things.
sKePTiKal:
About the only way that works for me to deal with adrenalin dump, is to quickly breathe my way to calm, or go do some physical but mindless labor task. Could just be doing dishes, ya know?
I think the worst habit that carries through from the past trauma is the over-active brain energy. Somehow we feel responsible for thinking through to a brilliant solution or outsmarting the difficulties. And flat out obsessed with beating the old head on the same brick wall till we bust it down. Doesn't work that way. Only makes things worse.
But it is possible to learn to "stop thinking" long enough for other brain skills to jump in and take the lead. Could be a meditative thing; could be body-mind work that gets you "in the zone"; some people run to make that shift. Not sure exactly how I figured it out, but I learned to tell myself to stop the hamster-wheel in my head and go to sleep, because the problem would assuredly be there tomorrow. And sleep was the thing I needed the MOST to get back at the next time.
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