Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

[lighter]

Ok, Tupp.  That was an experiment. 

Now, see if feeling wonderful and happy gets people's attention too.  I found it was truly magnetic.

Glad you had a good time.  Observer mode is better.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

This sounds like a useful experiment Tupp! I hope you have some fun with it.

[Twoapenny]

Hops, it's not completely shaved at the moment - about an inch long on top and shaved at the back and sides.  But will probably be coming off again this week

I have carried on making an effort - I've only got one dress and one skirt so not that easy to be girlier every day lol, but son is at college tomorrow so I'm going to pop to the charity shops and see if I can pick up a few bits.  But it definitely does seem to make other people friendlier and chattier and I'm not sure if it's me giving off a different vibe or them seeing me differently.  I don't feel different but perhaps I'm giving off something else without realising it.

In other news - I finally got a bed   I had to get rid of mine when we moved because the room's so small it wouldn't fit in and I've been on a fold up bed since then.  But a new bed was delivered today, it's set up with fresh bedding and I got new pillows and duvet as well and I have to say I can't wait to get in it!  Will be interesting to see if I sleep any better now.

Today has been great.  Completely without stress or hassle, we've been home all day, I've pottered about getting on with jobs that needed doing, cleared my bedroom out and gave it a good clean before the new bed arrived and I've put the fold up bed up for sale online.  The whole place is starting to feel more organised and I can see better now what I can change and re-arrange to make it work better, plus I'm clearing out and rehoming things as necessary.  Everything feels easier at the moment and I'm hoping it will stay that way xx

[Twoapenny]

Well guys, great news!  Today has been amazing

New bed is incredible - my alarm woke me at 7am this morning which is the latest I've slept since we moved here.  Sooooo comfortable (the cat thinks so, too).  My back is nowhere near as sore as usual and I was so comfy I would have gone back to sleep if I hadn't had to get up

Bought a dress and a couple of nice tops in the charity shop, very cheap, pretty and summery.  Even looked at heels and hats - didn't buy any but thought maybe a bit further down the line might go for hats to ring the changes as I don't have much hair and might even venture into wearing heels every now and again (not sure if I could walk in them now but might have a go).

The nice mum group - apart from being so nice and welcoming they are setting up formally as a charity and have ideas for various ways to help and support local families.  All very informal, low key and non-snobby.  Without meaning to sound unkind or ungrateful, I've found in the past that some of the people that run groups aren't always very nice to low income families or if there's a family with a relative in prison or something like that.  This group is very different, very down to earth and understand that life is tough and we deal with it as best we can.  Really like them.

They've asked me to be more involved and we had a team meeting today, at which I offered to be Secretary (they need three roles filled to satisfy the Charity Commission requirements).  I explained that I've never done it before but was happy to have a go; one of the guys who's helping ot set it up has worked for charities for years so knows how everything works so is going to talk me through the process and I can send stuff to him to check before it's sent out.  Very excited and it's so nice to be part of a group for a change, instead of ploughing through things on my own.  They've offered to send me on a Safeguarding course, as well as a First Aid one so I've said yes to both.  I'm trying to take opportunities as they come now.  I've been scared for years about sticking my head out anywhere in case my mum causes problems but I need to move forward so I've said yes.  I have explained to the lady running the group about my mum just in case the many false allegations in my past might cause a problem, or if my mum gets wind that I'm involved and starts phoning social services again, but the lady was fine with it, said various members have got various problems in their background and it's all good.  And it is all good

So a nice day, finally!  I don't feel as tired, stressed, run down or demoralised.  Son had a nice day at college and is now upstairs.  I'm going to get the dinner ready and then do some yoga as I slept too late to get any done before we left this morning!  Things are good xx

[lighter]

Well guys, great news!  Today has been amazing Whoo hoo!

New bed is incredible - my alarm woke me at 7am this morning which is the latest I've slept since we moved here.  Sooooo comfortable (the cat thinks so, too).  My back is nowhere near as sore as usual and I was so comfy I would have gone back to sleep if I hadn't had to get up
I'm so happy to read this, Tupp!  Nice bedding, a decent mattress, and kitty tucked in for comfort.  Sounds like bed time's improved a good deal.  That's wonderful: )   Good sleep is so important.
Bought a dress and a couple of nice tops in the charity shop, very cheap, pretty and summery.  Even looked at heels and hats - didn't buy any but thought maybe a bit further down the line might go for hats to ring the changes as I don't have much hair and might even venture into wearing heels every now and again (not sure if I could walk in them now but might have a go).At our charity shop I often find little kitten heel shoes.... often in new condition.  Having a nude pair, a black pair, a red pair, and a blue pair are options to consider.  Just t TINY heel.  I think our clothes absolutely influence the way we feel, sometimes more than others.  A pretty summer dress, on hot days, feels different than our same old run around clothes, IME, and I swear feeling better radiates off us like the sun... people can see and feel that too, IME.   

The nice mum group - apart from being so nice and welcoming they are setting up formally as a charity and have ideas for various ways to help and support local families.  All very informal, low key and non-snobby.  Without meaning to sound unkind or ungrateful, I've found in the past that some of the people that run groups aren't always very nice to low income families or if there's a family with a relative in prison or something like that.  This group is very different, very down to earth and understand that life is tough and we deal with it as best we can.  Really like them.  You might find some of your people, Tupp.  You never know when they'll come along.

They've asked me to be more involved and we had a team meeting today, at which I offered to be Secretary (they need three roles filled to satisfy the Charity Commission requirements).  I explained that I've never done it before but was happy to have a go; one of the guys who's helping ot set it up has worked for charities for years so knows how everything works so is going to talk me through the process and I can send stuff to him to check before it's sent out.  Very excited and it's so nice to be part of a group for a change, instead of ploughing through things on my own.  They've offered to send me on a Safeguarding course, as well as a First Aid one so I've said yes to both.  I'm trying to take opportunities as they come now.  I've been scared for years about sticking my head out anywhere in case my mum causes problems but I need to move forward so I've said yes. Absolutely in agreement here.  Time to come out, embrace the sun, and dance, Tupp. I have explained to the lady running the group about my mum just in case the many false allegations in my past might cause a problem, or if my mum gets wind that I'm involved and starts phoning social services again, but the lady was fine with it, said various members have got various problems in their background and it's all good.  And it is all good   You did what you could do, proactively.  Now it's time to put your mum away, and turn to what's in front of you now.

So a nice day, finally!  I don't feel as tired, stressed, run down or demoralised.  Son had a nice day at college and is now upstairs.  I'm going to get the dinner ready and then do some yoga as I slept too late to get any done before we left this morning!  Things are good xx  Wow, that's a terrific update, Tupp.  You're keeping self care in place, and I think sleeping in wasn't a mistake.  I think extra sleep was a good thing.  You're building more of what you want for tomorrow, seems to me.

[Hopalong]

Awwww, (((((((((((Tupp))))))))).

I just feel joy for you all over.

I'm so GLAD.

Huge hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp,

I really, really enjoyed hearing about that group. That seems so much better (to me) than just a coffee and chat group. I feel energized with groups of people that are gathering for a particular purpose, so I'm very enthusiastic for you! Isn't it funny how when you decide you arent going to continue along trying to build relationships with people who are responsive, and then almost right away this door opens up? I wonder what that is, but I 've seen it before.

Sleep is non-negotiable for me. I can imagine you feel like a million bucks if you don't normally sleep til 7. Lack of sleep can undo my day faster than anything else. Coffee only helps so much.

CB

CB, I'm exactly the same, I can and will do chit chat in certain situations - at the bus stop, sitting in a cafe, waiting at the doctor's surgery - but to specifically carve time out of my day to sit for two hours listening to people talk about nothing that interests me is just not on my list of things to do!  I've been to many groups in the past where I've left feeling exhausted.  People need to talk and offload, I get that (and I am lucky that I have you guys to do that with) but other people (like me!) need to do more than listen to tales of woe.  I just find it tiring.  So yes, it's been a great find, they're very proactive and also very funny (I love funny women!  I think they're great).  One is a very natural story teller and she had the whole group in stiches yesterday with tales of her daughter's antics many years ago.  I come out of there feeling good and I love the fact that they're fighting for change and refusing to sit back and do nothing - I find other people's apathy really draining so it's great to be around that productive energy.   Really lucky to have found them.  And yes, sleeping in a proper bed!  Makes such a difference, my back is nowhere near as sore as usual and coffee does only take you so far xx

[Twoapenny]

Well guys, great news!  Today has been amazing Whoo hoo!

New bed is incredible - my alarm woke me at 7am this morning which is the latest I've slept since we moved here.  Sooooo comfortable (the cat thinks so, too).  My back is nowhere near as sore as usual and I was so comfy I would have gone back to sleep if I hadn't had to get up
I'm so happy to read this, Tupp!  Nice bedding, a decent mattress, and kitty tucked in for comfort.  Sounds like bed time's improved a good deal.  That's wonderful: )   Good sleep is so important.
Bought a dress and a couple of nice tops in the charity shop, very cheap, pretty and summery.  Even looked at heels and hats - didn't buy any but thought maybe a bit further down the line might go for hats to ring the changes as I don't have much hair and might even venture into wearing heels every now and again (not sure if I could walk in them now but might have a go).At our charity shop I often find little kitten heel shoes.... often in new condition.  Having a nude pair, a black pair, a red pair, and a blue pair are options to consider.  Just t TINY heel.  I think our clothes absolutely influence the way we feel, sometimes more than others.  A pretty summer dress, on hot days, feels different than our same old run around clothes, IME, and I swear feeling better radiates off us like the sun... people can see and feel that too, IME.   

The nice mum group - apart from being so nice and welcoming they are setting up formally as a charity and have ideas for various ways to help and support local families.  All very informal, low key and non-snobby.  Without meaning to sound unkind or ungrateful, I've found in the past that some of the people that run groups aren't always very nice to low income families or if there's a family with a relative in prison or something like that.  This group is very different, very down to earth and understand that life is tough and we deal with it as best we can.  Really like them.  You might find some of your people, Tupp.  You never know when they'll come along.

They've asked me to be more involved and we had a team meeting today, at which I offered to be Secretary (they need three roles filled to satisfy the Charity Commission requirements).  I explained that I've never done it before but was happy to have a go; one of the guys who's helping ot set it up has worked for charities for years so knows how everything works so is going to talk me through the process and I can send stuff to him to check before it's sent out.  Very excited and it's so nice to be part of a group for a change, instead of ploughing through things on my own.  They've offered to send me on a Safeguarding course, as well as a First Aid one so I've said yes to both.  I'm trying to take opportunities as they come now.  I've been scared for years about sticking my head out anywhere in case my mum causes problems but I need to move forward so I've said yes. Absolutely in agreement here.  Time to come out, embrace the sun, and dance, Tupp. I have explained to the lady running the group about my mum just in case the many false allegations in my past might cause a problem, or if my mum gets wind that I'm involved and starts phoning social services again, but the lady was fine with it, said various members have got various problems in their background and it's all good.  And it is all good   You did what you could do, proactively.  Now it's time to put your mum away, and turn to what's in front of you now.

So a nice day, finally!  I don't feel as tired, stressed, run down or demoralised.  Son had a nice day at college and is now upstairs.  I'm going to get the dinner ready and then do some yoga as I slept too late to get any done before we left this morning!  Things are good xx  Wow, that's a terrific update, Tupp.  You're keeping self care in place, and I think sleeping in wasn't a mistake.  I think extra sleep was a good thing.  You're building more of what you want for tomorrow, seems to me.

Lighter, it was all good news but today I've had a big emotional crash and all the anxiety and fear has resurfaced.  I think it must be that you take a step forward and all the old fear reflexes kick back in.  I didn't sleep well, couldn't stop thinking about my mum, have been ruminating all day about unsupportive friends (you have amazing friends in your life, Tup!  Focus on them and not the crap ones!) and have generally been in a down place about it all.  I think the only thing I can do is keep on keeping on - keep focusing on moving forward, accept that other stuff will come up when that happens, work on it as it does and eventually it won't be there anymore and it won't keep causing problems?  I guess?

I have got acupuncture next week and I was reading up on emotions and Chinese Medicine - their theory is that different emotions get trapped in different organs so the therapist will work on releasing emotional blockages from different places depending on what they are.  It's interesting to read and I feel very comfortable with this guy so I will have an honest chat with him about the different emotions that I keep finding resurface and see if he can help move any of it along at all.

Another day, another dollar!  And all that   Lol

PS The charity shops here are great, absolutely awash with all sorts of weird and wonderful treasures.  Some have vintage sections (I got my son some great Superhero T shirts from the 1980s), some have fancy dress sections (which is really big around here for some reason), some even have bridal sections!  A thrifty bride could kit herself out without too much trouble.  I love having a rummage - will keep an eye out for some heels that are unlikely to cause a broken ankle lol xx

[Twoapenny]

Awwww, (((((((((((Tupp))))))))).

I just feel joy for you all over.

I'm so GLAD.

Huge hugs,
Hops

Thanks, Hops!  It was nice to write a positive post for a change   I don't feel quite as positive today - insecurities and old fears resurfacing, I think.  But I will continue to work through it and move forward.  It feels like two steps forward and one back, instead of one forward and two back, so there is improvement Lol xx

[lighter]

(((Tupp)))

Breath, and get curious. 

Feeling down is cause for curiosity.  Right?

No more judging. 

Be compassionate with yourself. 

What would you want me to do?

Do that.

It's going to be OK.

Even if it's not OK.

It's OK.

Lighter
Remember, breathe in 4 seconds, hold it 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds - repeat several times as needed

[Hopalong]

Definitely, always do the math!
2 steps forward + 1 step back = a step FORWARD

Considering how you've taken DOZENS of steps forward lately, don't ever despair over a couple back.

If somebody graphed you, Tupp, the wiggling line would be trending UP.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

(((Tupp)))

Breath, and get curious. 

Feeling down is cause for curiosity.  Right?

No more judging. 

Be compassionate with yourself. 

What would you want me to do?

Do that.

It's going to be OK.

Even if it's not OK.

It's OK.

Lighter
Remember, breathe in 4 seconds, hold it 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds - repeat several times as needed

Thanks, Lighter, things have eased off a bit today.  What I find difficult at the moment is that in the time it happens I'm like a rabbit frozen in headlights so all the self care stuff doesn't come into my mind.  I'm seeing the acupuncture guy next week so I'm going to ask him if there's a point he can work on to slow down that terror response, to give me time to work on the feelings as they come up.  It's like a shutter comes down - perhaps linked to disassociating in the past?  But it's like I can see what's going on but I'm not really part of it.  But today feels better and I can practise the breathing, do some yoga, work through my list (lists keep me going at times like this, I can work through things and feel like I've achieved something), perhaps go to the beach this evening and just sit and watch the waves for a while.  It's okay - we're doing okay xx xx

[Meh]

(((...Hugs...)))

[Twoapenny]

Definitely, always do the math!
2 steps forward + 1 step back = a step FORWARD

Considering how you've taken DOZENS of steps forward lately, don't ever despair over a couple back.

If somebody graphed you, Tupp, the wiggling line would be trending UP.

hugs
Hops

There is definitely upward progress, Hops, do you know what, a graph would be a good idea, wouldn't it?  To stick on the wall and just plot each day where you think you are - an easy way to see quickly how much progress you've made so that the difficult bits are put into perspective?  I think you are on to something there!

I am aware that I've had a breakdown.  It's been a fairly quiet and calm one, and mostly internal - I don't think anyone else would have noticed day to day - but it feels quite complete now.  I did do something quite ridiculous and shaved my head to to the bone one evening last week.  I keep my hair very short anyway, shaved at the back and sides and a little longer on top (an inch or so).  But something came over me and I've taken it all off completely and it looks awful.  But for some reason it has shocked me out of the fog I've been in for the last few months and I can see that a very slow, calm breakdown has taken place and I think that was the pinnacle of it.  I almost felt like I wanted to destroy myself completely?  But, it does feel quite cathartic now (although I do feel very daft and think I will tell people I had a hair dyeing incident and so had to chop it all off.  And will be wearing a hat for a couple of months until it has at least grown back a little bit).  But it has made me see things a little clearly and it's been interesting to me to know there are friends I would tell - because I think they'd be sensitive to it and understand - and friends I wouldn't mention it to because they'd just think I was nuts and gossip about me.  So there's been a slight revelatory notion to it.  And I am so grateful I have all of you, even more than ever right now.  Thank you xx xx xx

[Twoapenny]

(((...Hugs...)))

Thank you, G, it is much appreciated xx xx