Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

[Twoapenny]

G, I think you'd be a great addition and candidate for small town life! Tupp, is your town a summer tourist mecca? If that's the case, the season is close to hand now, when "local community" revs up a bit because all the tourists are gone. You might find some of those new acquaintances becoming friends soon.

Skep, yes, lots of tourists, it's been really nice, I've enjoyed directing people to good places to park and telling them where to get the best icecream!  And I agree, G would be a great addition anywhere Lol xx

[Twoapenny]

Yes yes yes, Tupp.  You're in position to build new habits, and move forward in safety. 

You have room to create, and add worthy relationships.  This is possible bc you've questioned and limited past relationships.
Loneliness is a messenger too.  This part of your life needed attention.

I don't know why growth is painful, but it is, ime

You have good reason to feel optimistic: )
Lighter

I think you see your future with clarity.

Lighter

New habits, Lighter, new habits

Acunpuncturist suggested I write a list of 101 things to do before I die (might have already mentioned this on a thread, I'm not sure).  I wrote it in about twenty minutes flat and could easily have written more; there is so much I have wished I could be doing over the years!  So I wrote it all out and it's a good list.  I decided that I am going to spilt my week into work and play.  I have things I have to do each day; I don't particularly want to but they need doing.  So I am giving myself a working day of eight hours, Monday to Friday, and during the working hours I will do the boring but necessary stuff.  Then the time outside of that, and the weekends, and the 28 days holiday a year I have decided to award myself (apparently 28 days is the national average here) I can spend working on my list of things to do before I die, trying to find ways to do things, find out more about things and so on.  So far, it's working well!  I feel less down trodden and downcast and I've had some nice evenings working on projects of my own.  I want to do a memory book up for my son for his 18th next year so I got started on that, and finally pulled out the jewellery making kit I bought about three years ago and haven't opened yet.  I've dance round the sitting room, chopped the sleeves off a couple of tops to 'customise' them and have started sifting through a pile of resources I've made for son over the years, thinking I might stick them up online and see if anyone else wants to use them.  It's felt better than just plodding through the day until I drop and then watching crap telly until I go to bed.

In less good news, my sister called to tell me my mum knows where we live and is planning to holiday here in the next month.  I really thought she might have stopped with all this crap now.  I kicked myself for telling anyone we'd moved but then thought no, I shouldn't have to live like a fugitive on the run.  I dreamt I was being raped last night, and was screaming with no noise coming out.  I hate that dream so much, I woke at 4am on the verge of screaming for real.  Couldn't get back to sleep.  I hate that just the mention of them both still elicits something that I can't control (how do I control my dreams?  I'm not even conscious).  I have put 'see my mum again' on my list of things to do before I die.  Maybe that will be happening sooner than I think.  I can only keep on doing what I'm doing and just deal with things as they come up but the woman drives me mad.  It has made me realise that my thinking that I could help her out if she ended up alone is probably just nonsense; just the thought of her has thrown me completely off course so there's no way I could go back to any kind of regular contact with her.  She's a royal pain in the arse.

[lighter]

Ahh, sorry about your sister's news, ((Tupp.)) 

I'd like to believe that it's just an empty poke at you, and maybe it is.  In any case, you might want to jot down thoughts about this on a new pad of paper, process what you need to about this, review it, then burn it, or shred, whatever feels best.

Once you process it, you'll have more room to relax into the knowledge these people don't have power over you any longer, and you can take back the power they do have.  The mindful practice, cultivating curiosity, and compassion for yourself and situation, refusing to live with the knee jerk fight or flight reaction you've always suffered..... maybe this event... or the threat of the event, can lead to huge growth, and realizing for you.  And that knee jerk reaction is a terrible way to live.   It was installed by the PDs, and it's necessary to uninstall it, and reprogram our responses. 

These people are elderly, have little time to poison people, they don't KNOW who to seek out and tell lies to, they're elderly and can't sit outside your home for long waiting for you to come and go... they'll likely appear insane if they go to the college, and start spewing accusations that don't jibe in any way with who you are, and what you're doing for your son. 

They're very sad, broken, elderly people, and they no longer have the power over you and your son they once had.  The truth is they certainly did, and you've suffered terribly.  That's your reality THEN, but it's not your reality now.  Your brain doesn't know the difference.  Time to internalize that reality, maybe.

You've broken away physically, and now you can break away emotionally. 

As difficult as it is to have criminals come back and attempt to harm you again, which stirs up the original injustice, we have a choice to limit that emotional vomit, IME.

Take back your power.  Even though the PDs have intention to harm and do trauma to you.... they no longer have the ability to do so.  Internalize that, and claim that power for yourself.  With curiosity.  With compassion for yourself, then and now.  No judgment.  Just notice what comes up.

I hope you can reach out to your good friends, get some feedback.  Hit on it, with notes, then put it down.  I find my most pragmatic friends have very good insights, and I always benefit from short discussions about the PDs.

Perhaps visit the local police station, and give them a heads up regarding the possibility your pedophile sf will confront you at your home, or in your community, and ask them to keep an eye out.  MEET your local police officers, and get to know them.  You have court documents alleging those assaults.  The police can be on your side this time if your calm, and to the point, IME. 


Then put the PDs away, and channel peace around the situation.  Maybne write your mum a letter you don't send, but have it clear in your mind what your feelings are now, so you aren't confused if she shows up.  Your wish to see her again might happen, as you say.  What would you truly wish for that moment?  You can't control her, or what she does, but you can do and say the things that are important to you, and that's all that really matters.  What you can control. 


THIS can be a triumphant experience of reclaiming your inner world, and limiting any future harm from your past. 

I love the list of things to do before you die.  We call it a bucket list here, and it's about focusing on what you want more of, and cultivating it, which is the mission, right?

I also love the memory book for son's 18th birthday.  Just the idea of doing that makes me feel relaxed, and happy for you.

You're a hero, and we know that truth about you,  ((Tupp.))  You're an Amazon of the first order.   

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Ahh, sorry about your sister's news, ((Tupp.)) 

I'd like to believe that it's just an empty poke at you, and maybe it is.  In any case, you might want to jot down thoughts about this on a new pad of paper, process what you need to about this, review it, then burn it, or shred, whatever feels best.

Once you process it, you'll have more room to relax into the knowledge these people don't have power over you any longer, and you can take back the power they do have.  The mindful practice, cultivating curiosity, and compassion for yourself and situation, refusing to live with the knee jerk fight or flight reaction you've always suffered..... maybe this event... or the threat of the event, can lead to huge growth, and realizing for you.  And that knee jerk reaction is a terrible way to live.   It was installed by the PDs, and it's necessary to uninstall it, and reprogram our responses. 

These people are elderly, have little time to poison people, they don't KNOW who to seek out and tell lies to, they're elderly and can't sit outside your home for long waiting for you to come and go... they'll likely appear insane if they go to the college, and start spewing accusations that don't jibe in any way with who you are, and what you're doing for your son. 

They're very sad, broken, elderly people, and they no longer have the power over you and your son they once had.  The truth is they certainly did, and you've suffered terribly.  That's your reality THEN, but it's not your reality now.  Your brain doesn't know the difference.  Time to internalize that reality, maybe.

You've broken away physically, and now you can break away emotionally. 

As difficult as it is to have criminals come back and attempt to harm you again, which stirs up the original injustice, we have a choice to limit that emotional vomit, IME.

Take back your power.  Even though the PDs have intention to harm and do trauma to you.... they no longer have the ability to do so.  Internalize that, and claim that power for yourself.  With curiosity.  With compassion for yourself, then and now.  No judgment.  Just notice what comes up.

I hope you can reach out to your good friends, get some feedback.  Hit on it, with notes, then put it down.  I find my most pragmatic friends have very good insights, and I always benefit from short discussions about the PDs.

Perhaps visit the local police station, and give them a heads up regarding the possibility your pedophile sf will confront you at your home, or in your community, and ask them to keep an eye out.  MEET your local police officers, and get to know them.  You have court documents alleging those assaults.  The police can be on your side this time if your calm, and to the point, IME. 


Then put the PDs away, and channel peace around the situation.  Maybne write your mum a letter you don't send, but have it clear in your mind what your feelings are now, so you aren't confused if she shows up.  Your wish to see her again might happen, as you say.  What would you truly wish for that moment?  You can't control her, or what she does, but you can do and say the things that are important to you, and that's all that really matters.  What you can control. 


THIS can be a triumphant experience of reclaiming your inner world, and limiting any future harm from your past. 

I love the list of things to do before you die.  We call it a bucket list here, and it's about focusing on what you want more of, and cultivating it, which is the mission, right?

I also love the memory book for son's 18th birthday.  Just the idea of doing that makes me feel relaxed, and happy for you.

You're a hero, and we know that truth about you,  ((Tupp.))  You're an Amazon of the first order.   

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter, for everything you wrote, it really does blow me away that you guys will spend so much time writing stuff to help me level my head out again.  It does help a lot, thank you.

I have heard it called a bucket list as well, some people here call it a f**k it list   Which always makes me laugh.  I have struggled over the weekend; I feel pissed off that my body still reacts so strongly to just the knowledge that someone has told her.  I don't think it's even so much that she knows, it's that once again someone has told her.  And I still don't know who it is.  I think the time has come to cut ties with pretty much everyone from my past.  I didn't want to have to - some are good people who I like and get on well with and who've been good to me over the years.  And I feel it's wrong, so wrong, that it's me that has to keep away from people, me that moves house, me that keeps my info off social media and so on.  So that bothers me as well.  But I think it will have to be done this time as it's clear that there's someone there that I can't trust just to not speak or say "I don't know" if they're asked.  It might even be one of my sister's kids and that makes me uneasy, another generation of children being brought up in this fucked up family and feeling that they have to keep secrets or appease her and keep her happy.  But I did kind of shut down over the weekend, I found it very hard to get anything done or think about anything, I feel like I just do onto auto pilot and there's no connection between thinking and feeling any more.

Anyway - I had scheduled my days off over the weekend as is my new habit so it was alright, I didn't have to do anything anyway.  I have cancelled a meeting I had tomorrow as it just feels too much but that's okay, it was a favour for someone and they can go ahead without me anyway so it's not causing a problem.  My anxiety about college has gone through the roof and I had been keeping a lid on that fairly well.  I just feel like someone throws a grenade at me and then my energy has to go into coping with dealing with it.  I so wish I could get to a point where I just don't have a reaction to any of it - it just flows past me and my body doesn't even notice.

In other news I cleared some overgrown bushes from the front so I have a really good view of the tree with the bird feeders in it so I'm watching dozens of birds enjoying their breakfast as I type this up.  There is a little girl on our street who I don't think has a very good home life.  She comes to visit every day and sat in here yesterday drawing pictures.  It was sweet to watch her.  I had a friend's parents who gave me a refuge when I was a kid and I'm still so grateful to them for that.  It made me happy to think she might look back one day and have nice memories of drawing pictures and talking to the cat.

I hope you're alright after the storm situation and that there isn't too much damage at the island house.  Thank you again, I appreciate it so much xx xx

[Hopalong]

Tupp, I'm so very sorry.
I can completely imagine how that bit of news triggered anxiety and nightmares.

But I have to say Lighter's post even calmed ME down. It was extraordinary and I can just admiringly echo, "what she said." All of it.

I think basically the truth is that an N does wither with age and loses their power. If you want to test it you can agree to have a cup of tea with her. But you sure don't need to have her enter your home. That's the limit I immediately thought of: IF YOU WANT TO, agree to meet her at a cafe of your choosing. But never invite her home. If she asks, here's an answer: "No." She doesn't get control.

As to who betrayed your wish to not have her get the info about where you live...no point. People are gossips at heart and if, as you guess, some young relative has slid into that toxic pattern under your family's tutelage, there is absolutely nothing you could do about that.

I hope you'll soon find a T, a new and present friend to talk to. This is really tough for you and I am so glad you pour it out here.

I have such enormous faith in you, Tupp. Your mother doesn't own the moon or the air or the life in your body or anything else. Her magical powers were removed and she's just a crazy old manipulative lady and it's sad, and even though you have some compassion, you have learned that your FIRST empathy belongs to yourself and your son. That is core life and health preservation. They're simply not going to be given away, no matter what nonsense she imagines.

Big big hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp, I'm so very sorry.
I can completely imagine how that bit of news triggered anxiety and nightmares.

But I have to say Lighter's post even calmed ME down. It was extraordinary and I can just admiringly echo, "what she said." All of it.

I think basically the truth is that an N does wither with age and loses their power. If you want to test it you can agree to have a cup of tea with her. But you sure don't need to have her enter your home. That's the limit I immediately thought of: IF YOU WANT TO, agree to meet her at a cafe of your choosing. But never invite her home. If she asks, here's an answer: "No." She doesn't get control.

As to who betrayed your wish to not have her get the info about where you live...no point. People are gossips at heart and if, as you guess, some young relative has slid into that toxic pattern under your family's tutelage, there is absolutely nothing you could do about that.

I hope you'll soon find a T, a new and present friend to talk to. This is really tough for you and I am so glad you pour it out here.

I have such enormous faith in you, Tupp. Your mother doesn't own the moon or the air or the life in your body or anything else. Her magical powers were removed and she's just a crazy old manipulative lady and it's sad, and even though you have some compassion, you have learned that your FIRST empathy belongs to yourself and your son. That is core life and health preservation. They're simply not going to be given away, no matter what nonsense she imagines.

Big big hugs,
Hops

Thanks, Hops, yes, you're right, Lighter is Mrs Calm   I think the issue for me isn't what my mum may or may not do or say or anything else, it's more that my body still has such huge physical responses to her.  I feel like I've been hit by a truck, despite working so hard to do yoga each day, stay calm, eat well, keep away from toxic people and so on.  And it's not me that's reached out to her, or anyone else - I keep myself to myself and my contact with people who know her is basically limited to birthday and christmas cards now.  I feel like I've had a four day hangover even though I haven't had a drink

It has made me realise that I need to cut ties with my past, completely.  I'm just so done with it all, largely because so many people I know from way back just haven't changed in so many years.  If I met them now I wouldn't go near them; quite frankly, our paths wouldn't even cross these days.  I've always felt bad about leaving people behind, because it's hurt me so much when other people have done it to me.  But, just as an alternative example, I posted something on Facebook about some problems we've had getting hold of my son's meds lately.  Some of my Facebook 'friends' are other parents with poorly kids or work with people with disabilities so I was asking if anyone had any more information about the current situation.  Some friends responded with calm, factually based answers about various things they'd read and heard - useful information.  Others - people from the past - responded with rants about the EU causing shortages and all the bloody immigrants using all our services and I just thought, do you know what, none of these people know how offensive I find this, because none of them have ever stopped banging on about themselves for long enough to ask what I think (and for some reason they all seem to be unaware that my Dad was an immigrant, as is my son's Dad, as is one of my best friends).  And I just thought, how do these people know so little about me?  It's an aside, but it just focused for me that no-one from my past is part of my life now and I just need to toughen up a bit and cut them out.  Really, really time to move on now.  I guess I moved in distance but not emotionally - I need to do that bit now as well xx

[Meh]

Well I think it's good to keep on writing it all out. I think in the process of writing about emotional distance maybe you can get emotional distance.

For me personally I feel in the past month I've had more distance from my mother. After writing it out I then put it out of my mind for a while.

[Twoapenny]

Well I think it's good to keep on writing it all out. I think in the process of writing about emotional distance maybe you can get emotional distance.

For me personally I feel in the past month I've had more distance from my mother. After writing it out I then put it out of my mind for a while.

Yes, definitely, G, writing about it helps, and I find the feedback on here so helpful.  So many people with similar experiences that can share what helped, what didn't, who know you can fall off your horse again and again and don't judge you for it.  Amazing place to be

I've thought about the situation more as well, because my body's very strong reaction puzzles me.  Logically, the most she can do is a false allegation, which she won't get very far with, some untrue gossip to her cronies - don't care, I don't have anything to do with any of them, or leave some crap on the doorstep/post something through the door.  I know that and understand that, so this enormously strong reaction I get puzzles me.  I am wondering if it's more to do with what I see as her rejection of me again - I feel that underlies everything she's done.  She didn't like me as I was, and that's why she made my life difficult.  Most people, after thirteen years of estrangement, would have let water pass under the bridge by now.  There's still no interest from her in how we're doing, whether life is treating us well, whether I'd be interested in trying to have some sort of relationship.  She's still in this weird place of "Tupp keeps trying to get away - I'll make sure she knows she can't".  Which is just fucked up, and I wonder if the fact that she's still rejecting me so completely is what gives me such a strong reaction.  Not sure but will look in to it more. 

[Hopalong]

That's a good insight, Tupp.
That it's not fear of her power to mess up your life any more as much as it is hurt over her longterm rejection.

Well, if you do see her, you could revert to just saying the truth, even if you sit in public streaming tears and she acts cold as an icicle about it. The truth would still be the truth. For that matter, you could pick some place like a public garden or beachside bench -- for YOUR comfort and ease (if that's what would feel better).

I think Facebook is utterly toxic and have never done it. But my advice for the people who react like idiots is to instantly Hide them (or whatever it's called) so you never see other posts by those individuals again. Should one send you a DM (if that's what it's called)  you can say, Oh yes, I had to Mute you since I found your political comments upsetting. But in the meantime, blissful peace....

You can filter anybody you need to, hon. You're in the driver's seat and you have every right to fill your world with people who are kind.

love and comfort,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

That's a good insight, Tupp.
That it's not fear of her power to mess up your life any more as much as it is hurt over her longterm rejection.

Well, if you do see her, you could revert to just saying the truth, even if you sit in public streaming tears and she acts cold as an icicle about it. The truth would still be the truth. For that matter, you could pick some place like a public garden or beachside bench -- for YOUR comfort and ease (if that's what would feel better).

I think Facebook is utterly toxic and have never done it. But my advice for the people who react like idiots is to instantly Hide them (or whatever it's called) so you never see other posts by those individuals again. Should one send you a DM (if that's what it's called)  you can say, Oh yes, I had to Mute you since I found your political comments upsetting. But in the meantime, blissful peace....

You can filter anybody you need to, hon. You're in the driver's seat and you have every right to fill your world with people who are kind.

love and comfort,
Hops

Thanks, Hops   I won't be seeing my mum (at least not willingly!).  I don't want people who make me feel like this in my life.  I'm in a new place with new opportunities, new people, new places to explore, and that's where I need to look, not backwards or over my shoulder the whole time.  I had to cancel a meeting I was supposed to go to today with the lady who runs the support group - she's very proactive and has been setting up meetings with all sorts of local service providers to work on improving services and so on.  I just felt it was too much for me today, told her honestly what was going on and she was just so lovely, can she do anything, anytime I want tea and a chat just shout, do I need her to have son for a while, if my step-dad turns up do I want her to send her husband over - she was just lovely.  And another friend, who is in this area (also a newer one) immediately offered us a caravan on her farm, either for a holiday or to live if we need to get away from here.  "Come and stay, we'll look after you", she said.  Those are the sort of people I need to be focusing on, not my blooming mum or my gossipy friends and relatives or the ones who don't bother to call when they know I'm struggling.  I'm still focusing too much of my time in the wrong direction so I must keep working to redirect myself.  Only today, we've been out to run some errands.  Two shops for supplies for son - lovely friendly people working in them, nice brief chats with both.  Funny moment when I stopped to let someone on a mobility scooter cross the road - turned out there were loads of them and they all kept appearing from behind a hedge, it just looked funny, as if the hedge were spewing them out   Took son for a haircut, lovely barber, really friendly with a constant stream of daft jokes that son loves.  Health food shop, lovely lady and it always smells so lovely in there.  Charity shop, two friendly assistants and I picked up a beautiful patterned valance sheet to cover the boring beige base of my bed, £5! (about six dollars, I think).  And had an enormously helpful man at the doctors surgery this morning sort out a problem with son's meds for me, so efficient and helpful and has passed all the info on to the GP so that next time we go in it's already written up and I don't need to do anything.  So there are all these good people (I've got you guys as well!) and I must focus on that and not the blooming numpties of the past.

And yes, Facebook is a place where I should have practised much stronger bounders, I've set up a new account and just moved across the half a dozen people I know who I like to chat and catch up with and who have similar views to mine.  I should have done that a long time ago.  So it's kind of settling again, I just find it difficult because it all throws me off my stride so quickly and sometimes I struggle to find a path to walk down again   But getting there now, going to do a bit of yoga before dinner and then might head to the bath to read xx

[lighter]

Oh, your last post had me swooning.  Such a lovely day filled with lovely people, Tupp. 

There are choices, much if the time, about what we focus on.  Yes, please, more joy, more laughter, more seeeeing beauty.

About the little neighbor girl....do you think this kindness circles back around to your experience with refuge, and heals young Tupp, along with providing shelter for this child?  Not sure about that question, but it makes sense for me.

The island is OK as far as I know.  No word today, so maybe electric out. 

Remember to play music you love.  Humm.  Cold water rinse after shower, and to breath when your biology is hijacked.

You can take back your physical safety, and emotional peace.  Sometimes I think we wait for permission, or for things to feel better.  This isn't a passive endeavor, ime.  Banishing the voices.  Taking back the spaces they occupy is hard work, but people do it.  You can do it.  We all can.

So ride the waves, and expect ups and downs as things plane out. 

Maybe tell your sister only things you want you mum to hear....meaning misdirection, and confusing untruths....maybe a bit of humor.

I love the idea of visiting friends and receiving support.....call friend's I if you feel vulnerable.  Go check out that caravan when mum is expected.  Let your friends feed you, and I know you'll feed them back.

New reciprocal fellowship, YES, please!

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Oh, your last post had me swooning.  Such a lovely day filled with lovely people, Tupp. 

There are choices, much if the time, about what we focus on.  Yes, please, more joy, more laughter, more seeeeing beauty.

About the little neighbor girl....do you think this kindness circles back around to your experience with refuge, and heals young Tupp, along with providing shelter for this child?  Not sure about that question, but it makes sense for me.

The island is OK as far as I know.  No word today, so maybe electric out. 

Remember to play music you love.  Humm.  Cold water rinse after shower, and to breath when your biology is hijacked.

You can take back your physical safety, and emotional peace.  Sometimes I think we wait for permission, or for things to feel better.  This isn't a passive endeavor, ime.  Banishing the voices.  Taking back the spaces they occupy is hard work, but people do it.  You can do it.  We all can.

So ride the waves, and expect ups and downs as things plane out. 

Maybe tell your sister only things you want you mum to hear....meaning misdirection, and confusing untruths....maybe a bit of humor.

I love the idea of visiting friends and receiving support.....call friend's I if you feel vulnerable.  Go check out that caravan when mum is expected.  Let your friends feed you, and I know you'll feed them back.

New reciprocal fellowship, YES, please!

Lighter

Lighter, I'm glad the island is unscathed and hope that is still the case now.  Such devastation, it's so frightening.

I think with the little girl - she's very cute but also very active, very loud, doesn't understand personal space and so on.  The other kids aren't keen on her, they're quite kind and let her join in but it often ends in an argument or her being mean to one of them or vice versa.  I get from the other kids that home life isn't great and another sibling might be in care?  I don't know how accurate it all is but she feels like a little lost soul to me.  My friend's parents, as a child, who used to let me sit round theirs, gave me a security and stability that I didn't understand or appreciate until I was a lot older.  Probably not until I had my own son, to be honest.  I'd like to think that maybe one day there will be a woman who looks back and remembers the single mum on her road who used to let her sit in the kitchen and do drawing and thinks of it as a nice memory.  There is something to little Tupp there now.  What's come up for me over the last year as I've looked into care options for my son is the huge difference between care in terms of someone making sure you eat and take your meds, and care from someone who loves you.  There have been very few people in my life who I have felt genuinely cared about me and I feel with son that I am the only person in his life who genuinely cares.  And knowing how hard I've found it to be surrounded by people who don't care, I kind of feel it's important to maybe be that person to someone else, even if it's only for a few minutes?  Does that make sense?  It's a bit early lol.

Yep, nice people about, I'm trying to focus on that now, and on myself, looking after myself, listening to my body, not pushing myself too much.  Son starts back to college next week, I've organised reducing his timetable so that should help.

I read something yesterday - a meme on Facebook - that said no-one's coming to rescue you.  You have to do it yourself, through self love and making good decisions.  Making good decisions is something I really need to focus on as most of my coping mechanisms are unhealthy and if I don't have stress and drama in my life there's just a big empty hole.  So I need to try to work on that.

Contact with sis is minimal now, I'm just done with the past, I think.  I want a new life with positive, proactive people and people who'll support me, just by not causing me headaches and stress, you know.  A lot of people from my past are very caught up in drama, as I used to be, and I just don't want that anymore.  I want calm.  I think we might go and have a working holiday at the friends' farm - just go for a few days and help them out a bit.  Their boy and my son get on well, I can take his go kart and they can bomb up and down the track through the mud together

[Twoapenny]

Right, I've got two new ideas I'm going to try.

I wake up feeling angry, stressed, not terribly well rested and usually mid argument about something legal or educational in my head - it's like all the stress and anxiety kind of pours out during the night and I wake up in a big puddle of it.  I've tried various ways of starting the day but nothing seems to have helped long term.  So my new idea is to try and spend the evening de-stressing - yoga, warm bath, reading, something light hobby wise - sewing or jewellery or something like that, or even a bit of de-cluttering, which I find relaxing - and see if that makes me wake up in a better mood.  First night of trying it tonight so I'll let you know how it goes.

The other thing I tried today was to re-focus my negative, repetitive thoughts onto more positive matters.  I'm not good with the law of attraction stuff, but this morning when I found myself endlessly running and re-running all the negatives about a friend I feel hasn't been a great friend recently I switched it to talking to myself about a really good friend of mine, as if I were describing her to someone new.  Then I did that with another friend, then with you guys on here, then I went through random people I've met over the last couple of weeks who've been nice.  That seemed to help so I'm going to keep trying to do that.

[lighter]

That did make sense, Tupp.  And the little girl likely has no idea what a boundary IS, honestly.  She might benefit from having a lovely maternal spirit in her life draw pictures of what healthy boundaries are, and how we breath to get hold of our emotions so we get more of what we want, and create healthy lives for ourselves.

No pressure there, but darnit, maybe we were all that little girl, of a sort, and maybe we've all met her too.  I wonder about the little lessons, that are actually VERY IMPORTANT, if we'd been introduced in our young lives.  JUst pointed in a direction, or had a door opened to information we wouldn't become aware of till we were full arse grown, kwim?

I think dropping allll the people who keep you mired is a good plan, Tupp.   I think moving ahead, and not looking back.... giving yourself permission to let the past go..... is amazing and freeing, and I'm trying to do that too.  Even your sister.... for reasons she can't control.  For reasons you can't control.  Release her with love.  Because you have to, for your own good. 

(((Tupp))) Trying new things, to break that negative waking pattern, sounds healthy, and proactive to me.  You're moving out of old patterns, TUPP!  Yes.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

That did make sense, Tupp.  And the little girl likely has no idea what a boundary IS, honestly.  She might benefit from having a lovely maternal spirit in her life draw pictures of what healthy boundaries are, and how we breath to get hold of our emotions so we get more of what we want, and create healthy lives for ourselves.

No pressure there, but darnit, maybe we were all that little girl, of a sort, and maybe we've all met her too.  I wonder about the little lessons, that are actually VERY IMPORTANT, if we'd been introduced in our young lives.  JUst pointed in a direction, or had a door opened to information we wouldn't become aware of till we were full arse grown, kwim?

I think dropping allll the people who keep you mired is a good plan, Tupp.   I think moving ahead, and not looking back.... giving yourself permission to let the past go..... is amazing and freeing, and I'm trying to do that too.  Even your sister.... for reasons she can't control.  For reasons you can't control.  Release her with love.  Because you have to, for your own good. 

(((Tupp))) Trying new things, to break that negative waking pattern, sounds healthy, and proactive to me.  You're moving out of old patterns, TUPP!  Yes.

Lighter

Lighter, when I look back over my life I can see so many times when someone has just said or done something kind - often just an off-hand thing, not a huge deal to them, but years later I could see how that was very significant and poignant for me.  The friend's parents, who I've mentioned before, and a teacher at junior school who told me how sorry she was that my dad had died.  No-one mentioned my dad after he died.  I think that was the way back then, people didn't talk about things, particularly with kids.  She offered me her condolences, in the school playground, the way a grown up would, and it's just stuck with me ever since as being the right thing to do.  I'm not even sure why, but it meant something to me.  So yep, if that little one wants to come round and draw or tell me about her new bike then that's fine by me, it would be nice to think it would help in some small way.

Yes, new habits!  I did wake up feeling less stressed than I normally do.  Not completely without stress and I did find my mind wandering to negative things quite quickly, but I got it back fairly well.  I can feel my neck and shoulders are knotted up so the plan for today is some time at the beach after son's sports sessions, a nice dinner and then I might aim for an evening of yoga?  And see how I get on.

Son's speech therapy and occupational therapy have finally been organised.  It still isn't the right amount but it's in place at last so I can carry on working on the personal budget plan and include that in it now.  I've reduced his college hours (I might have already said that - sorry!) which should make life easier for us.  The speech therapist is open to working with me so that I can carry on with what she does at home, don't know about the occupational therapist yet.

What I do notice is difficult is that, without stress or drama or constant adrenalin surges, there's a big empty space.  I find that difficult, very draining and it affects my mood.  So I think I'm just going to have to work on accepting that there will be a gap between leaving high stress people, situations, circumstances etc and having a healthy and fulfilling life that I find enjoyable and satisfying.  There's going to be a lull between the two so I'm just going to have to keep it in mind and not get too freaked out by it xx