OK.
I've percolated on the Frenchman/boundaries/co-dependence/nurturing/attachment involvement...... thing and here's what I'm finding.
I DO get something out of nurturing others. I'm in the kitchen. I cook and feed people, but I noticed I'm not doing it exclusively or needing to do it exclusively. I want to share the duties. I want to let others pick it up and hand it off fairly. IF I DO too much, bc others fail to step up, I'm certainly aware and have CHOSEN to step up or not step up. I'm aware I could suggest someone else step up then go back to what I'm doing. I'm aware there will be discomfort in this, bc I've trained people to expect me to fix, fill in, make things go smoothly, but that's no longer the case for me.
I SHOULD have done what my gut tells me is true and good and right.... stated a boundary and moved past it. IF the Frenchman felt butthurt over being rebuffed he just has to deal with it or go
away.
I'm coo with that and I can't control the guy if he's going to stalk or whine or cry.... and I don't want to control that.
I think men with mommy issues are attracted to me for a number of reasons. One, I'm nurturing. Two. I'm distanced and typically unattainable, bc I'm often not dating or looking for male companionship truly not up for giving any time or attention to a man..... I'm actively dressing like a worker bee and going about my business. That part seems irresistible to a certain type of man and I don't even want to visit that type..... just avoid. My mother used to say that men are attracted to women who're doing SOMETHING... anything... as long as they're busy and engaged. I forgot that until just this moment. I truly believe that's part of this and I'm so IN MY OWN HEAD I miss or outright ignore the signs I need nip something in the bud.
I do have difficulty with men LYING about how they feel, coming back and starting more drama over being rebuffed.... trying to convince me, but that's just more of the initial boundary transgression and has to be nipped and dealt with, sans drama.
I'm
NO
MORE
DRAMA
or men whining in my direction. I really am hypersensitive to whining men I THINK bc women have been cast as whiny, needy, weak, and judged on it generally, which now that I SEE it, bothers me less.
No more being held hostage by the feelings of others though.
No more allowing people to talk AT ME and me just standing there, waiting for a chance to escape.
I know how to DO this. I don't know how to sidestep all the chaos people whip up and present as reason for me to stand there and listen, consider, blah blah. It all seems so simple now.
It doesn't matter if anyone else understands the situation as long as I understand.
I'm the only one who's opinion counts..... I'm willing to consider listening to rational opinions, from people who honor boundaries, but only those honoring boundaries.
Seems simple now.
People presenting reasons for overstepping my boundaries don't get to talk, at least not to me.
People tell themselves stories. They tend to live from places of fear when they tell those stories.
They project.
OK.
I don't have figure all that out and I certainly have more peace if I accept they're confused and struggling and let them have their opinions.
I can state my POV and not require they understand or agree. I state my opinions IF I feel there's something to gain. IF I care about the other person, as in sib...someone my sib cares about. It's lovely to accept what others feel without letting it affect me. Interesting to not have to fix or help anyone understand, grow or learn , unless it's about my boundaries and consequences of overstepping. That takes a lot of energy out of deciding when I interact and what I interact over with those I don't vibe with.
I think stating my POV, in a calm, compassionate manner is super important for me to feel authentic and fine in my own skin.
Waiting till I've lost all patience doesn't work. Never worked.
And people won't understand my level request or demand to have a voice at the table, but I'll be consistent and they'll learn.
And that's OK too.
I'm curious how this will go.... actually looking forward to it.
No dread.
Lighter