Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
FACING CODEPENDENCE, What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our lives
Twoapenny:
Hopsie, I think you're right about actions speaking louder than words. My last serious partner (long time ago now!) was soooo romantic. He wrote me poems and love letters, bought me flowers, ran me candle lit bubble baths, made me breakfast in bed - all those 'this is what happens in films' type actions. But - he rarely went to work, and therefore rarely earnt any money. Which in turn meant he rarely paid any bills. He didn't deal with any problems, at all, ever, and had basically always managed to get other people to look after him, one way or another. I would see that much, much sooner now. It's very much what people do, rather than what they say (and the flip side of that is my mum, giving one version of a story with her as the victim whilst deliberately creating the drama and the victim role in the first place). It's a good way to sort out what's what, I think.
And Skep, I think 'romance' is a funny thing, because I think films and songs give us a picture of it - similar to what I've written above - but for me, romance is someone who's got my back. They want to hear about my day, they're happy to prop me up a bit when I need it and step back and let me get on with it when I don't. Do you remember a while back I mentioned the acupunture guy, who I have a huge crush on? I was at an appointment at his clinic a while ago (not with him, I was getting something else fixed!) so I was sat in the waiting room reading my book - and he brought me out a cup of tea. Didn't ask if I wanted one, just appeared with it, put it down in front of me and wandered off again. Now that for me is the most romantic gesture in the world - someone making me a cup of tea just makes all my bells ring! But for him of course (and most other people!) it's just putting the kettle on and chucking water in a cup. So I think we have different ideas about romance and I have visions of you and Buck spending romantic evenings looking through seed catalogues and comparing the differentials on tractors :) lol xx
sKePTiKal:
Hahahahaha! Differentials on tractors - most definitely Tupp! (that was genius brilliant btw)
I think I'm in an introspective phase right now - which also means over-analytical, asking myself loads of questions, asking the universe questions, and the whole creative schmear. Hol & I had a good talk about a "thing" that I had no words for, that I couldn't ignore - but I also couldn't speak about without words. It really helped, after I told her I didn't need mothering - just a friend who knows me really well. LOL. My distress wasn't caused by Buck or anything he said/did. It was not being able to make that thing conscious and verbal. My own crap, in other words.
The connection Buck & I have is incredibly strong and steady; I notice any time he goes "off the air" to do something or deal with something he's not ready to talk to me about. He knows what some of my triggers and reactions are and he tries not be the source of tripping those triggers; protecting me. Having my back. He waits until there's an outcome and then tells me. It's not that he can't trust me; it's that he doesn't want to scare me.
I am the flaming romantic in this partnership; he's more the poet and is extremely sweet - in ways a person wouldn't expect from someone of his background (lifelong warrior) and insightful and able to exist in that realm of emotions and talk about them - better - than one expects from an alpha male. He is way DEEP - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually - in an irresistible combination for me. So the swooning that's going on - is something I need to enjoy - but not let the feet leave the ground either.
Things are moving to a deeper level on the wavelength and emotionally, and Hops, I'm craving that logistical, practical planning conversation. I think I base a lot of my internal security on knowing the differences between what he foresees and what I'm mentally creating. Then fusing them, so everyone knows what to expect more or less, and is happy with the arrangement. So this is a flying by the seat of my pants time. It's exciting, anxious, plain old neurotic, and a bit frazzled. Hopefully we laugh a lot at ourselves. So I'm trying to re-center myself again. And that conversation is definitely premature at the moment. SOP right now... is no strings attached... while we both deal with our individual situations and get free of other obligations in order to even MAKE those decisions about a shared path.
On Topic again, I've noticed a great of drama going on with Buck's process and life right now. I was paying attention to see if it was unavoidable or if it was being used to keep my time, energy and attention focused on him. It's not. He is voluntarily able to be vulnerable about how he feels about what he's going through and why; talk about it, without the tsunami of words I suffer & struggle with... and cut to the chase. It's my fantastical bent, that I have to discipline a bit. And possibly where I am susceptible to building a co-dependency.
If I can reassure myself, that if I am truly as happy as I feel... I don't have to look over my shoulder for someone who's going to make me "pay" for daring to be happy. And I don't have to sabotage it, either, with impatience or imagination or anything else. I'm as safe as I can possibly be right now.
Hopalong:
I understand the anxiety, Amber. I think new love at this stage of life goes through (or has for me) a really scary phase, because as we get older we know there aren't going to be many more connections that feel THIS right. The stakes feel higher because there's less time ahead to do it wrong and assume we'll get to try again one day. I had nearly resigned myself to the rest of my life alone but made that one last stab at online dating, and ... a good thing happened.
You're really struggling hard with overthinking. It's only by thinking well and a ton that you've managed so much in your life, including all the projects and the mountain. You have an amazing capacity to build.
But a relationship sometimes needs some stillness. To just be in the moment, and receive time, season, sun, rain. And let nature come up through it and help you to form it. You don't have to impose the form, you'll figure out the details when the season invites it.
My point is just, asking questions is okay. I think you're most worried about whether you're feeling impulses to leap in and treat your shared future like a project you have to manage, thus you are naturally beginning to think of the background research. While at the same time you're sensing that you're premature on this but are having a really hard time controlling those thoughts or the urge to start asking planning questions. Am I getting warm or way off?
I know it's going to be okay. And I know what the anxiety's like. It sucks. Your brain isn't going to fix it though, relaxing is. Getting more present. All your projects are about future...I think you need some pleasant, relaxing, present-moment focus these days, to keep the balance. Can you conjure up what you'd like to do in the present moment, more things that are not so future-directed? Might help?
Big hugs
Hops
PS And your project management capabilities are probably one of the most attractive things about you, especially to Buck. I ain't dissing it. What I mean is, in some ways relationships can slip into becoming all-absorbing projects, to the point that the actual present interactions and discoveries in their own sun and rain and season can get distorted by the subcontracting and measuring and ordering and all of that. I just think you'll be happier if you make sure that Buck doesn't become like another needy house guest in your head (not that he'd ever want to, but that you might accidentally slip into reacting to him similarly, like your project to analyse and fix). You do have the capacity to analyse to try to help folks. And that has great value (certainly you've helped fix me!) but in reality, you might want to plan a little less, manage a little less, even worry a little less. Give yourself a break and some present-focused pleasures that have nothing to do with Buck. That'll help you stay inside your own skin. [End of advice, half of which is probably way off base.]
sKePTiKal:
Yep you're getting pretty warm there Hops! Not so far off base either, but I'll have to pay attention and see I'm trending that direction or not for a while.
Meanwhile.... sorry Lighter, for the derail. Back to the regularly scheduled topic...
lighter:
No worries, Amber. I think Hopsy reminding you to stay grounded in presently moments brings us right back to the original topic: )
I'm really happy for you. Remember to keep your head where your feet are.
Lighter
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