Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Twoapenny]

It's funny how we seem to be experiencing similar sorts of things at the minute, Lighter, with protector parts and figuring out who is doing what. I'm amazed at how much you get done while all of this is going on; I've felt like I'm in some sort of fugue state for weeks now, no energy at all, doing much beyond the basics isn't really happening here just now.  I look down on other people's way of doing things for most things, I always think I can see a better/easier/quicker way.  But if anyone does that to me I explode   Something else to notice and work on.

The mice have outwitted you   You need some of Skep's kitties xx

[Hopalong]

Lighter, absolutely loved your descriptions of your real and present encounters with your "little L."
Beautiful. Illuminating. Powerful.
Bravo.

Tupp, your honesty practically throws me against the wall sometimes. I loved your openness about a "critical spirit" side of your nature. I can have that too. It feels good to forgive ourselves for the parts that aren't lovely and inspiring, but muddy and yuck to wade through. Thank you.

hugs, still in "device desert" but solutions coming...
Hops

[lighter]

Ok.....a couple things have happened recently, sending Whirly Dirvish L into a spin.  Having to do with bossy boot twin, but mostly to do with my part in blindly following, particularly when distracted.

It put many things into perspective, particularly taking a beat before responding to anyone.....and.....how judging others means one judges self, as well.

My parents feel mostly off their hooks....leaving gratitude, mostly. Just byproduct of this process, IME.  I'm left with more curiosity and less judgement.  Sort of feels like observing my children and perhaps those parental parts in me, which are strong, in some cases.

Whirly D has calmed down and changed into a very still 3yo, staring at me, arms at her sides....I won't say relaxed.  More....aware of what's around her.....and what's around her is unknown and unexpected. She's still 50 feet away.....but she's stopped whirling and maybe she didn't understand not whirling was an option.

I haven't noticed feeling on a boat as often, BUT the world has spun a few times when reclining, mostly at the lake, in the bed it began.  I'll perform the maneuver to move ear debris again, with two pillows.  No head to the side of the bed.

There are days of zero symptoms and days with many symptoms.  I'll try to notice what's going on, around them.  Things are a bit busy.

The journey continues.

Lighter

[lighter]

Archangel Michael popped up during meditation session of tending to Boaty L and Whirly L. 

At first Whirly L came closer as I tended to Boaty....then Archangel Michael appeared and began swinging his heavy sword around the 3 of us and everything became that.....silver air in motion, the sword and Archangel Michael which prompted me to look up the prayer to St. Michael.
 
I'm uncomfortable wishing hell on anyone, but can imagine certain harmful elements need to be separated and apart, but hell seems punitive... and suffering seems....
unhelpful, counterproductive, wrong, untenable.

Does that keep those, vanquished to hell, so they can't escape and do harm?  Is it necessary? Really? To what end?  Never made sense to me.

This could be me virtue signaling... someone too nice to wish hell on others, but I don't think so? 
I don't believe so. 

I think Whirly L wouldn't question how the sausage gets made. I think she understands the sausage must be made, sans any need to be seen as "nice."  I think vanquished and unable to harm others is Whirly L's only criteria, sans thought beyond that imperative.

I guess she was the one protecting other children on the playground.  She was always  the one. ...in martial arts, I called her "instincts." In order to fight back, for real, I had to be hurt....and then fighting flowed like water, without understanding follow through, sans pulling a punch or kick.  And we sparred playfully, normally.....more points scoring game than fight.  The children were expected to sparr as hard and were paired with adults, usually me at the end and, to toughen them up.  That doesn't read....."nice," I realize.   I imagine my teacher understood what he was asking of me.  Whirly L would never harm a child. Push and test....yes, bc it was an uncomfortable command....but never follow through, for real. Half follow through, is what I picture.  I know I was reprimanded for going too light.  I assume I learned to go harder on a young teen boy, in particular, who entered our school at my rank....and we tested together.  I remember exchanging glances with him before we broke boards with back spinning kicks...I think we jumped?   We did it, but it was tough. The kid had to rise or fail.  He rose. Our teacher didn't believe in giving children different belts.  They had to earn adult belts or not earn.  It was my first school.  What did I know?



I knew sparring normally with a teen girl, roughly my size, from a posh dojo I was visiting, upset the female instructor who....challenged me indirectly, to sparr with her? (someone besides the teen).....and I had no idea why she stopped sparring at the time. We all sparred each other.
She meant herself, but  Coddling children in martial arts wasn't in my vocabulary.  I didn't see it as a weakness, bc it didn't exist in my world and I didn't hit hard, bc she didn't hurt me...but I did hit her, so she learned from every choice. 

I remember learning from every choice, while sparring with men, in my early days.  I was the only woman, maybe 107lbs.  I always attended both sparring sessions twice weekly, 4 hours a week....8 hours Total training, bc it was the most interesting and where the pieces became whole. Footwork. Punches. Kicks. Combinations. Distance. Blocks and for some reason we blocked....never bobbed or weaved.  I realize it toughened us up in ways we weren't aware of, bc we were pushed to fail every class. Hard to think, when you're in danger of peeing your pants or falling down from exhaustion.  Not saying we were special, just saying our normal wasn't normal everywhere.

 My first teacher opened a dojo for a Korean master with very high expectations.
 For a long time our class was only 3 students....me and 2 grown men.  We trained up to black belts together where the shorter guy drove his fist through the block the first time. The taller student failed twice, with a very upset instructor announcing he'd "drive his stump through that block if his hand was broken!!!" The shame for tall guy was a stinging, live thing.
I think Wirly L quite agrees with the instructor's  POV, btw.

I'd already fallen in love with another school where a 170 lb gal, roughly my rank and the teacher's pet, beat me so hard, I willed myself to gain 20 lbs of muscle.....and to eventually bob and weave.

I don't know if tall guy ever broke his block,  but it was his mind, not his ability, holding him back.

At the end of the meditation, I held Boaty L. Rain bounced off us.....we struggled to see and breathe. 

Whirly L stood, maybe 10 feet away, also in the rain, more interested in Archangel Michael than me and Boaty L.  I must have drifted off, bc I woke up with the pug sleeping at my side.

The journey continues.

Lighter

[lighter]

My sister edited and organized my closet.  I rarely wear anything outside certain things.
Need to give that some care BUT I've been changing sizes again.  Not sure where I am, but in the middle some where.....30 Seven jeans, with shiny back pockets, almost fit.

Truth be told, I still eat sugar and dairy.  Giving up carbs, with one gf choic once a week, sort of fell into place. 

Giving up sugar and dairy will be the same.  Right now I'm eating tons of fruit SO GOOD!!
I take stevia in my coffee, but don't scrutinize every label......my head's not there yet. The cool thing is....once those things are out of one's system, the cravings for same diminish, IME.  A we say....the worms quiet down, as in parasites. Yuck, but sugar feeds everything bad in the body EVERYTHING.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

If vestibular stuff doesn't go away fully, still hope you'll see a neurologist, but Dr Hops isn't as smart as she thinks she is.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I have acT appointment today and what comes up is.....the places where hard NOs (reactive NOs)used to live are mostly emptying, at least for now.

It's a relief, but then I notice overwhelm pop up, bc........other people's parts.  Feel overwhelming.

I go back to my toolbox.  What can I do in this moment?  I'll do it, then put the story on the shelf......mine the joy in front of me while cleaning windows (sort of like walking meditation) and help sister form better wells around trees.  She's enjoying the physical labor.

Today begins early......but first, to the floss!

Lighter

[lighter]

T appt was hard......there was some overwhelm and regret..... the usual when doing the deeper work. Why did I sign up for this?!?  Like vomiting, during stomach virus. It's a fearful thing, but leads to feeling better.  I talked to Whirly about this....asked if she'd like to feel better.  She did.

I took W's hand and asked her to show me what she needed me to see.  Protector part popped up a few minutes in....protector said "she's too sweet...." and was asked into waiting room.  Protector went, but threw "and not supervised well enough" over her shoulder.

T said protector welcome to chime in and stay with us.

Whirly took me to many places at the first house I remember living in.....showed the time she was found patting Grandma Bingo's hand at her mailbox, having had a stroke.  Showed the mouthful of sand, thrown by sib, her heartbreak on the stoop, having been "spanked" and left to think about it.....spanked for drawing on wall, spanked for getting into adult liquor flavored candy, and finally showed herself dressed in bits and parts of many outfits chosen by mom.....never allowed an opinion. There was more, but cutting to chase here.

Asked her what place she needed to be free of ...she chose the entire property and home, so we walked to sacred space....my tomato garden, of course.

Asked where she felt these things she wanted to leave.....bottom of ribcage...like a muscle about to seize.

How did she want to release it?  Water? Light? Fire? Earth? 

Light....with fire. We worked on that till the ball of light caught flame, burned and burned to ashes.  Then we buried them in the tomato garden and enjoyed the sights, smell and feel of the tomato plants.

Asked what I wanted to fill that space with..... assertiveness and joy.

Sat imagining safety, protection and joy for a while.....then onto homework.

Wiring this in.....like getting used to lacing fingers together left thumb over right, instead of vice versa....the way I'd always done ...the way that felt right.

What we experience feels like who we are.  We think that's who we are.  Creating pathways and building them is something I'll spend a little time on over the next 55 days.

Now.... get ing to get distilled water to clean windows.  I think the hard water doesn't help windows get clean.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I love this, Lighter: what we experience feels like who we are.

It's very helpful to ponder. Thank you.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, right or wrong, partially or completely, I think I am NOT just what I experience. LOL.
At the same time, I can also assert that my experiences have helped create who I am. Either through how I felt, or how I reacted... and later, how I felt/reacted differently.

Maybe that's why we periodically deal with the "same old crap", further up the spiral of progress... but this is why I find consciousness to be a fascinating study/meditation. It's mysterious as hell. Always seeing/learning something new about it all.

[Hopalong]

Me, too, I think we're more than just what we've been through.
I used to read Jung and Dibs in Search of Self and lots such. Jung's my favorite.

I don't know if it's about consciousness, which you're delving into so deeply, but I've become a fan in recent years about my "spidey sense" with people. I analyzed absolutely everything and everyone for ages as a survival thing, I believe, because I trusted my mind first and my feelings later.

I could criticize myself constantly for FEELING one way or another. To me, "spidey sense" is intuition and perception, and seems located deeper than consciousness. That's probably why hypnosis worked so well for me at times. And poetry. I think intuition is animal, and that's the part of myself I most need to tune into. In poetry, I open that gate and all sorts of spidey sense (for good and ill) rises up and weaves rhythm and story, letting feeling just arrange itself on top of the words.

In life and in relationships, I'm always happy analyzing to a faretheewell, but I need to shut up my mind sometimes. Or a lot more often.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

There's that'ol neeeeed to, Hops.  And... I think we believe we're what happens to us, sans exploring that belief.  Going through the motions of building new, mindful, beliefs and watering them in with daily practice makes sense in me brain pan. 

I've spent time daily with Whirly and it's been at my little house, where my sacred tomato garden lives....where I lived when my girls were born.  I was free and twirling Whirlie in my arms....in the nursery....both of us laughing and enjoying the joyful movement. Something I did with my girls.  It seemed right. 

Every day I picture rising above the house and yard Twirlie left.....in my mind there's been a shift from Whirlie to Twirley.... she's changing.....but we rise together and look away together, at what's next.  Today we stay in the air, darting about, moving fast....and then she rests on my chest...me on my back, still moving fast through the air.
Content.....moving towards the garden?  Nope, we're flying through the breeze and sun.  Magnificent freedom.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I thought Whirly was your vertigo.

I'm losing the thread, but nothing new....

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Sorry, Boatie is the feeling of being on a boat.  Vertigo is vertigo. Whirly was all teeth and nails..... she's changing.

[lighter]

I woke up in the middle of a dream.  I was inside an armoured Winnebago, parked in a mall lot, I understood I was responsible for driving....I had no vision....was trusting my instincts.....there were items of great value to me.....I spent time gathering one item as I dropped and found money.....bills of different denomination, crumpled....tried to secure them, but was focused on the valuable things, in a bag.

At one point, the others on the bus and I determined we needed to move closer to other people....the entrance to the mall and I backed out of the spot, basically blind then felt relief as someone else took over driving forward and the dream changed.

I was mother to a young 3yo naybe, very thin brown boy dressed in sandals and shorts.  We were outside, at a road and he ran towards a curbed sidewalk with scattered gravel....the curb went from flat to regular height.....it was tricksy for the boy and he fell hard, crying.  I went to him and fixed him up....consoled, was so happy to do that for him. Remained calm through his upset.

Again, he ran to the gravel and curb.....again he fell. Again he cried.....I went to him, but this time I turned both our attention to the place he'd fallen.....he was heartbroken and crying...."help me mama."

I said "let's take a look at where you fell and figure out why that happened."

The child immediately stopped crying and focused on the problem with me.  He was curious.

A couple hours later I met with T and shared my dream. 

Her take:  I was going into my past, even though I can't see it, I trust my instincts and go anyway.  The mall represents the world and people.....the money isn't what I care about......the precious things are the others on board......the child is one of my parts and I met him with self energy..... confident we could figure out what happened, what needed to be learned to move past the pain and trauma.

Moving the Winnebago, (baggage, iho,) was about me dealing with my past, while in the Hermit/healing phase, and deciding to move towards people again as a natural step in that process.

We talked about DD22 and an emotionally charged topic, which is microcosm for our enmeshment and co-dependence.

I noticed remaining very calm during a recent heated exchange, as DD22 became more charged and obviously in her reptilian brain......and I just talked myself through it, rather than talking at her,which lead to her deciding she never went uld have been so upset "had I just said it like that from the beginning."

I explained I'm working on self regulation and was self regulated during our conversation.  I knew she just made an appointment with her T, bc she texted with her out loud to me.  I asked if they worked on self regulation together....DD22 was not happy, felt intruded upon, crossed boundary, but I wanted common ground.

Also, I think her T adores her and futzes about, rather than doing deep painful work, based on DD22's statements after T appointments.  Also, her T tells her "she's her favorite client," which is "a big NO NO on a short list of things Ts shouldn't do with clients" according to my T, who supervised new Ts.

Anyway, I stayed level, set a boundary ....my stuff is my stuff to deal with, regarding oldest DD24, who I very much wanted in school.  DD22 didn't necessarily agree, but she calmed and has been lovely, happily engaged in projects with a friend and emotionally level.....polite, appropriate and joyful.  She had been struggling with this last semester of school, which I was helping her with (art history homework) just before she slid off the edge and became upset.

She went from how she was struggling to why it was the way rld and my fault, frankly.
I remained outside her suffering and it was so much better.  More helpful. To meet her pain with self energy, rather than going down the hole with her, actually experiencing her upset WITH her......was so...very different.  And it just happened, with very little noticing. 

Sea change, y'all.
::nodding::.

DDs have their work to do, and I can't do it for them.  I help no one if I try. I've somehow managed to repeat and try and fail and succeed my way to this place, which feels like creating a mountain and standing with weight properly aligned over my skeleton, instead of hanging on by my fingertips at the edge.....and I can breathe.....and feel the sun..... there's calm comfort and compassion, sure, but no need to protect and fix.

I suspect the valuable things on the bus are my children, all my parts.....and myself.🐦

I guess the little boy could have been DD22's wounded part, as well.

The journey continues.

Lighter