Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness and codependence thread
Twoapenny:
"It's simply too exhausting to have to keep dealing with these situations, where my response can only be either a rant, ignoring the comments or having to write yet another lengthy explanation about a situation that I didn't raise in the first place"
The above was in my previous post, and is the reason I didn't respond to either apology. As far as I was concerned, the matter was dealt with and I had no inclination to extend my involvement in it.
Yet today I see I have been named in a completely unrelated thread, where I am described as "pummeled", "embittered", and "feeling resentment and fear". Once again, the reality has been rewritten to suit someone else's agenda.
What I am is invisible, appearing only when I can meet a need in other people, online and offline. Sometimes the need is to rescue, sometimes to criticise, sometimes to patronise, sometimes to judge. Very rarely is genuine help, acceptance and useful information extended. When it is, unsolicited or otherwise, it is most gratefully received, and that gratitude is displayed whenever I am able to. People sent me money through this forum when I went through our horrifying drug dealer experience a few years back. Complete strangers, who I've thanked, but who I don't think will ever truly know how much they've helped. I've had good, solid advice on a range of topics over the years, as well as understanding through shared experiences, for which I will always be grateful. People have contacted me privately over the last couple of days to say they have a similar situation in their own lives and that they see and hear me. I'm very grateful for that.
This is a public forum. The readership far exceeds the number of active posters. Some conversations are better had privately. Some thoughts are best discussed in therapy. Knowing one's flaws and tendencies is one thing, being proactive about them is another. I was going to carry on reading other's threads. I have a genuine interest in how others are doing, given the connections we've had over the years. I've stopped posting several times in the past and always come back again, but I won't be doing either now. I would appreciate the courtesy of those who profess to care not discussing me on here in the future.
lighter:
Mother of pearl.
lighter:
Both my girls are in good places, regarding oldest and her bf moving into my bedroom, and my becoming largely nomadic ...walking the earth for a spell....doing grown uppy things that need doing.
DD24's roommate is stricken to be losing DD24 as roommate. I have been assigned blame, as per bf's suggestion to DD24, and the roommate's wicked side eye is better aimed at me, bc I don't have to live with her.... there's 6 months left in current lease, which DD is honoring, of course. Roommate is upset about only having 6 months notice, but it's likely another good friend will take over the lease in 5 months time, with a bonus kitty thrown in. They already spend lots of time together, live in same complex, and roommate plans to move in with her bf in a year.
Details.
The bf has named DD24's introversion as reason for her not joining his merry band of 3.
His mother is suggesting a "ring" be considered.....perhaps just a promise ring, but I'm actually made uncomfortable by the suggestion, as this is for the young people to get to know each other, for the sake of making better informed decisions, when DD24 travels for school, with, or without bf.
Run on sentence, anyone?
TBH, just the word......
ring......
makes it hard to breathe.
My Nervous System might never be comfortable with that word....maybe 8 years down the road? Looks and feels like a trap, to me.
It's rained several days here. I'm going into the moss to plant bulbs, fertilize hydrangeas and figure out porch pots for Easter..... they're a mess. Three baby porch Hemlocks and a maple tree need transplanting. Three baby yard nursery Hemlocks need to be moved to the porch pots, to grow another season. Will shift that to yard thread later, as I found another perfect baby Hemlock in the forest, and the ground is perfect for that project.
I want buy black creeping potato vines..... dig up different ferns and Hostas, from the yard....some Creeping Jenny, also....for the pots.
Will take neighbor with me, to buy potato vines at lovely nearby nursery. Must call her now. She said she'll allow me to help take down Christmas this week.
DD22 has Wednesday functional doc appt.....I have Thursday T appt and early car drop at mechanic, who hired a front office gal, so he can go back there turning wrenches. I will miss our chats....badly, I think. He's a really nice guy... adores his wife.....we have a bit in common with Airbnbs. He's prioritized making sure my vehicles are safe, esp to travel, for the last 24 years. Our children shared similar struggles.
Wow.
That's a long time, and I appreciate that steady male support and energy through the years.
When I found the tracking device, on my truck, he was one of the first calls I made ...and he assured me,
he sees trackers all the time on vehicles he works on,
but for certain,
there wasn't one on my truck in the time he worked on it.
No doubt.
While so many voices wanted to paint me crazy and make me doubt...he was on my side.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Tupp, I've removed all my discussion of you here.
You were right that it was inappropriate to talk
about you in the 3rd person. Unfair, too.
I didn't see it until I re-read it; no wisdom
here, just a person feeling hurt, more than I'd
fathomed.
I wish you and Son every possible good.
Always,
Hops
PS Lighter, sorry for the hijack.
lighter:
Today's T appt was good. T named how I'm wearing my skin in the world....
in self energy.
Something's clicked, for now, at least. Conflict is a very short thing, I deal with, sans dread and circular thoughts. Leaning in, just enough. Able to pivot, without rumination. Not quite seeing everything, but seeing there's more to see.....and it's feeling like a charge went off....blowing imaginary boundaries apart.....expanding vision and possibility, beyond the limits I've known as me.
I've internalized this...
My thoughts will never change.
My relationship to my thoughts is changing, and I'm aware, most of the time, and recognizing.....sitting in nonjudgmental awareness is always going to be a practice. Will always be something I stray from, and return to..... everyone does.
I'm researching a Silent Buddhist Retreat. No writing. No electronics. No speaking. Just thoughts and relationship to them. Yikes.
Talked about father/grandfather energy and thoughts.....lots recently, but with enough distance to see the good, bad and unfortunate parts, without grasping on to on any.....and feeling them behind me. In the past. Nothing in the present. It's good.
Upcoming plans, to go and do, feel...... exactly right.
Big take away, today.......
I notice so many levels of awareness, beyond what I felt in the first months, and years, of practice.
Like a tractor clunking into a higher gear.....
but still an old tractor. Nothing speedy about it, but t that's ok.
I wish, as I might always do, that all cultures would teach emotional regulation, to children, as imperative. Heck, just teach it, somewhere....or the language of it.
SOMETHING, for goodness sake. It seems SO plainly obvious, from here.
The pug, vomiting, woke me at 5am....then she sat on my sunglasses, not at all herself. She's in a stupor, upstairs, with DD22.
I started the truck and it thumped under the hood, like something hit the hood.....then made a whining sound. Couldn't tell you what's going on, but will take it to mechanic when the Honda has new struts and swaybars. I did see the naughty neighbor cat, on my porch, so know he's not involved, thank God.
It's going to rain.
Lighter
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